2Ib new potatoes (the small ones mind)
3oz frozen peas
1 steak and onion pie
Can of John Smith's Bitter
and that spicy stuff in your cupboard which is nearly out of date, so you'd better use it with everything from here on in.
Wash spuds, put them in a saucepan full of water, on full heat. Go into the living room (or lounge if you live in Fairmilehead...) and catch the first half of The Simpsons. Open can of bitter and consume. When the ad break comes on, turn the potatoes down, say to them, 'No, I'm not ready for you just yet' What you do is turn the heat down and fill another saucepan with water for peas.
On the packet of peas it states that you should wait until the water is boiling before you throw in the peas. I don't believe in this method, I think it's a Government ploy to pacify the voters. Their reasoning being if the people are busy they won't revolt. I say dunk the peas in straight away and don't worry about the simmering business. Open another can of bitter and return to the living room/lounge and watch the rest of The Simpsons.
Check the potatoes by sinking a fork in one, or if you have noticed there is no water left in the saucepan, they should be about ready. Drain if necessary.
At this stage, the peas should be flying all over the kitchen, turn off heat as they are just about ready.
Take pie out of fridge, undo the wrapper and eat cold (the pie, not the wrapper) Place pie in the middle of the plate, letting the potatoes circle it and pour peas over in a pot-luck kind of way. You can daub a bit of butter on the plate for taste (to taste the food, not the plate...)
Open another can of bitter. Take a mouthful, close your eyes - and treat yourself to a meal out some time....