The Joke-O-Motive

I was at the Tim Vine show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival last night. The Punmeister was on top form as usual although he did seem narked by someone in the audience who thought it smart to film him. Vine had a new array of gags which I won't repeat here (go and see his show before it ends this weekend!) but below is a selection of some of his material from previous gigs:

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . . . dicing with death!


Albinos - you can't say fairer than that.


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'


So I said to this train driver: 'I want to go to Paris.' He said: 'Eurostar?' I said: 'I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.'


Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.


I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'


A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
Black Beauty - he's a dark horse.


I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle


I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'


So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'


This bloke says to me: 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought: 'That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness.'

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.


I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags - he's bisatchel.


So I went down the local supermarket. I said: 'I want to make a complaint - this vinegar's got lumps in it.' He said: 'Those are pickled onions.'


I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I used go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl.


During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling. He got hit by a Doodlebug.


I've got a front door made from sponge. Don't knock it.


I've played football on a plane, you know . . . there I was, running up the wing!


I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.' 'I'm not gambling,' I said. 'The steaks are too high.'


I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift.


Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors.


I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back.'


So I went down my local icecream shop and said: 'I want to buy an icecream.' He said: 'Hundreds and thousands?' I said: 'We'll start with the one.'


When I left home, my mum said: 'Don't forget to write.' I thought: 'That's unlikely - it's a basic skill, isn't it?'


Velcro . . . what a ripoff.


I went to the record shop and I said: 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket...'


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said 'parking fine'. So that was nice.


I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula's house . . . I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.


When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

So I...

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

"This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told a friend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,"You've got cholera."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar". I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Steve McQueen.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"