Cooncil Rant No. 94

As a resident of Midlothian, I received the council's latest newsletter today. As usual with this publication, some of its content is comedy gold.

On the front page is a plea from those at the Big Pink Hoose asking for the good people of Midlothian to come up with ideas on what should be cut from the council's budget. Midlothian anticipates it will need to save £25m over the next three years. They have published a questionnaire for people to complete and have arranged several public meetings in which the council's Chief Executive and councillors will attend to listen to what the public have to say.

Some might say this is consultation and ought to be encouraged. My view is this smacks of a lack of leadership, of passing the buck and shying away from decisions that will affect us all. The Chief Executive appears to be wanting to ask the public how to do his job. Here's my suggestion on how to save some money. Scrap the public meetings and questionnaires. The cost in arranging these token gestures must already be considerable.

In the same newsletter there was another article on how the council was ready for the onset of winter and gave 'top tips' on how Joe Public could be ready too. These included:

Keep paths and pavements outside clear of snow as ice increases the risk of falls.
When clearing footpaths always dress warmly in waterproof clothing
Check the council website for information on adverse weather conditions http://www.wehaventgotascooby.com/

Here's another suggestion. Scrap the council newsletter. Better still - scrap the council and merge with neighbouring East Lothian. Think of the money that would save...

School's Out

Regular visitors to my ramblings will perhaps realise my opinion of Midlothian Council is not very high. Local government bureaucracy is something that affects many councils and having worked for Midlothian's local authority a few years ago, I know it's rife in the Big Pink Hoose in Dalkeith - otherwise known as the Council Headquarters.

My grandson Jack turned five years old earlier this month and will attend primary school for the first time in August (after the teaching profession enjoys its customary six week summer break) For the past year he has been attending a nursery school in the centre of Dalkeith which has the primary school attached - and where the progression of nursery children to primary school is made seamless. He has made a few friends at this nursery, the teachers say he's doing very well and - most important - he loves it there. So, no problem come August when Jack and his pals make the first of many big steps in childhood - going to primary school. No problem until the council bureaucrats stepped in...

Midlothian Council have reviewed the catchment areas of eight primary schools in the area. You can perhaps guess what's coming, dear reader - Jack is one of those children affected. His mother received a letter today advising that Jack will need to go to another primary school than the one previously advised - because he lives in a certain part of Dalkeith that is to be covered by another school. The many friends Jack has made in the last year will still head to the primary school they expected to go to - while the wee man will have to start all over again at a new primary school. A new school, new teachers, new schoolmates.

Daughter Laura will try and persuade the education people at the council to change the rules to let her son go to the primary school she wants - but she's not holding her breath. As is the norm with Midlothian Council there are consultation meetings and questionnaires to the parents asking for their opinions - but these tend to be token gestures. I suspect decisions have already been made.

One of the reasons I no longer work for Midlothian Council is because when I was there they were an utter shambles. When Laura and Michaela were at school not so many years ago, I was regularly locking horns with the education section. There was one occasion when St. David’s High School telephoned me at the office to advise that Michaela had not turned up for school. My heart sank as she had left the house in the morning as usual. I tried unsuccessfully to contact Mrs Smith and spent an uneasy couple of hours before the school phoned me back to say they had made a mistake - Michaela was there as usual. My opinion of St. David’s High School had never been high in any case - that day it sank to a new low. It sank further still when I received a report card for Michaela with her English teacher writing the words ‘Michelle lacks attention to detail…’ St. David’s High School was, occasionally, comedy gold.

However, this latest wheeze isn't funny. Starting school for the first time can be quite daunting for a child. Until today it wasn't something Laura or Jack were concerned about, given his progress at nursery this year. Now, it's a different matter.

As someone once said 'that's another fine mess you've gotten me into...'

Snow Laughing Matter...

Well, I never. Heavy snow and plummeting temperatures. In January? Who would have believed it? Not, it would appear, those champions of local government, Midlothian Council.

Having not been out since Saturday - when my bus got stuck in the snow about a mile from home meaning I had to get off and walk the rest of the way - today I ventured out into the Siberian conditions that Dalkeith has become recently. We've had snow here for more than a fortnight now but, thus far, people have carried on relatively unscathed. Today was a different story. Buses are only going part of the way in Dalkeith. For people like me who live at the top of a hill this presents difficulties. After standing for around twenty minutes at lunch time today it became clear to me and the half dozen other hardy souls that no buses were heading our way. So a fifteen minute walk beckoned towards where the buses were terminating some distance away. It seems this will be the way of things for the rest of the week and for who knows how long as the forecast is for the worst winter to hit Scotland for thirty years to continue in its present state for at least another fortnight. However, I don't blame the bus companies for the lack of public transport. Not on this occasion. The state of the roads in Dalkeith are quite frankly shocking. And for this I blame Midlothian 'it's no 'oor fault' Council.

I eventually made it into the centre of Edinburgh this afternoon. The centre of the capital city is fine. There are some patches of snow and ice but for the most part the roads are clear and traffic is moving. It's a different story in Dalkeith. I did see a gritter/snowplough on my way home - that was the only time I saw such a vehicle all day. Yet the traffic in the town is slithering and sliding and crawling to get anywhere. Pedestrians are having to walk on snow covered roads because the pavements are more suitable to Torvill and Dean. There are accidents waiting to happen - and are probably happening as I type this.

The story from local authorities across Scotland is they are concentrating on the major roads and will tend to minor routes when the snow relents. Fair enough. But it seems Midlothian Council aren't even managing that as anyone heading into the town on the A68 today would testify. Of course, today is a public holiday in Midlothian. Perhaps the Council bosses are mindful of this and are counting the pennies. Or it could be they didn't expect snow and ice in the first few days of January (this is Midlothian Council after all...)

Either way, I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I reckon I'll need to set aside at least an hour and a half to get into the office. I may just lob a snowball at the Council's Big Pink Headquarters on the way...

Council Rant No. 94

The good citizens of Hawick aren't best pleased with Midlothian Council's spelling or proof reading abilities...

Meanwhile, in the Council Chamber...

Chairman: So, fellow Cooncillors, item 3 on the agenda - the installation of a pedestrian crossing on the A68 in Dalkeith. Any comments before I pass the motion?

Councillor A: Aye, I would like to ask why we're installing another pedestrian crossing on that stretch of road when we already have 40 sets of traffic lights.

Chairman: Well, in my view, ye cannae have too many pedestrian crossings.

Councillor A: Aye, but this new one is only ten yards from the last one we installed last month.

Chairman: But we need it for the kiddies. We dinnae want to be sued by Mr & Mrs Numpty when their brats run across the road and are squashed by a number 86 bus.

Councillor B: Ah wouldnae worry aboot that, Mr Chairman, the number 86 bus disnae go faster than five miles an hour...

Chairman: Point taken, Cooncillor B, but we can't take any risks. I've seen some o' thae First Bus drivers when they're aboot tae finish their shift fairly bombing along the A68.

Councillor A: That would be very difficult with all those traffic lights. Anyway, we've already got a pedestrian crossing outside the old Dalkeith High School. I remember we installed it a month before we closed the school.

Chairman: Aye, but wi' obesity levels rising it's asking a lot of the locals to walk roond the corner ten yards just to cross the road. So gentlemen - are we agreed?

All: Aye!

Chairman: Right, motion passed. I'll get the road dug up again - it should nae take that long, it was only resurfaced last week. I'll see if there's any temporary traffic lights left we can use in the meantime. I think we might have used the last set last week. Okay - last one to the pub gets the drinks in...

Millionth English Word Declared

A US web monitoring firm has declared the millionth English word to be Web 2.0, a term for the latest generation of web products and services. Global Language Monitor (GLM) searches the internet for newly coined terms, and once a word or phrase has been used 25,000 times, it recognises it.

From the BBC News Website

Web 2.0. That's a strange one. Or two point zero. There are a few words in Scotland that are used considerably more that 25,000 times but aren't considered 'English'. I'm sure, dear reader, you can imagine what some of these words are. Inspired by Billy Connolly's sketch about pretend swear words, here are a few words and phrases I use you wouldn't find in any Oxford English Dictionary - or US web monitoring firm...

Bassa: a derogatory term used as an expression of anger. As when the number 86 bus fails to turn up for the eighth day in succession 'First Bus, you're nothing but a bunch of useless bassas...

Nade: used when describing someone as particularly slow or even inert. As in jeezo, mate, have you not got the drinks in yet? I've seen Christian Nade move quicker than you. Also used in relation to being lazy, lacking in enthusiasm and general malaise. In Scots terms, cannae be ersed...

Gettaefalkirk: commonly used as a way of declining an offer. As in being asked to work overtime on a Saturday - 'You know what you can do - you can gettaefalkirk'

Pissupinabrewery: a term used quite regularly, particularly when lauding the efforts of local councils. 'I see, Jim, that Midlothian Council are installing another set of temporary traffic lights in Dalkeith while they dig up the road they resurfaced last month.'
'Aye, see thae cooncillors? They couldnae organise a pissupinabrewery...

Jaiket on a Shoogly Peg: a Scots Human Resources term to indicate an employee has been found guilty of a misdemeanour so serious they have been issued with a final written warning.

Yer Tea's Oot: another Scots Human Resources term, used when the employee fails to take heed of the above warning and ends up being dismissed.

That's enough made up words from me.

New Year, Same Old...

Deciding to turn over a new leaf in the new year could do more harm than good, a mental health charity has warned. 'Mind' has urged people not to feel they must start 2009 armed with resolutions for self-improvement.

The charity said resolutions which focus on issues such as the need to lose weight or job worries create a negative self-image. And if the plans fail to materialise, that could trigger feelings of failure and inadequacy, the charity said.

Mind chief executive Paul Farmer said focussing on problems or insecurities can lead to feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem and even mild depression. "We chastise ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and set unrealistic goals to change our behaviour, so it's not surprising that when we fail to keep resolutions, we end up feeling worse than when we started," he said.

From the BBC News Website

Who said the UK was becoming a nanny state? Like so many other people, I made the usual list of things aimed at improving my life in 2009. Lose some weight, Smith, I told myself. I declare this every year at this time but ultimately do nothing about it, blaming the stresses and strains of life for 'comfort eating'. Cut back on the alcohol intake. This I did do in 2008 although I'm far from tea-total. Try cold turkey on the gambling front - apparently there isn't a law that says I can't pass Ladbrokes fine establishments without going in. Take more exercise. Well I do use public transport and walk a bit extra to work in the morning. Although that just has the effect of making me even more tired when I get to the office...

But with 2009 now upon us there's no better time to start my new regime. And, as my daughters point out, there's no point in blaming others for my shortcomings. So here I go. Except....

...today being January 1st, much of Scotland is closed. There is a limited public transport service in Edinburgh but as my abode comes under the Disneyworld sponsored Midlothian Council there are no buses at all in Dalkeith today. While City of Edinburgh, East Lothian and West Lothian Councils have all provided a level of subsidy to the bus companies in the name of public service, Midlothian Council have decided not to bother. And with many people having had a bevvy last night, the streets of Dalkeith are deserted. I could walk a mile to the nearest local shop but it will be closed. And anyway, it's too damned cold to walk today...

So I'm stuck on me Jack Jones. Watching the horse racing on Channel Four. And my first two horses have come nowhere (Ladbrokes website is too damn accessible!) I'm picking the leftovers from last night's Chinese takeaway. And my cup of coffee (real coffee, none of this decaffinated nonsense) tastes all the better with a wee drop of Jack Daniels in it...

Can I start again on January 2nd?

Recycle This...

Recycling is everywhere nowadays as people finally think about trying to save the planet. I have to confess I'm not exactly a champion at recycling and I admit I really have to change some of my habits. For years, I've simply chucked everything into a big black plastic bag, tossed it into my wheelie bin and forgot about it. Much the same way as the council binmen forget about it when it comes to emptying...

I've ranted before about Midlothian Council's shambolic attempts to get its citizens to recycle. Red box for papers (but not envelopes) and black box for bottles, jars and plastic (although plastic cartons mustn't have the lids on) And remember to wash the rubbish before you put it out...

But here's something to consider:

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been £16.50 £1,000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less £5

If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

I'm off to hug a tree...

Something Different

I knew when I went out this morning there was something different about today. Aside from the fact this is the last of my three days leave from work (back to the office tomorrow, ochone, ochone...)

The streets looked cleaner than usual. There were no roadworks near where I live and no sign of any temporary traffic lights so beloved of Midlothian Council. No noisy binmen taking half the rubbish away and leaving stuff they can't be bothered emptying or making up new rules about recycling (can't take that empty plastic carton, mate, the cap's still on it...)

No screaming infants being dragged to nursery school, no older children smoking at the bus stop and generally taking the Michael out of anyone passing by. No telephone call from some spotty YTS kid from the Council HQ telling me I haven't paid my council tax when it was paid a fortnight ago.

Today, local authority workers - not necessarily an oxymoron - went on strike. To protest about poor wages, many of them have decided not to work today.

Any chance this dispute could be prolonged...?

Park and Grind

Now, I've ranted on here about Midlothian Council before. And, doubtless I'll do it again. But the Park and Ride facility at Sheriffhall - which genius in the Big Pink Hoose in Dalkeith thought of that?

To be fair, the concept is a good one. The daily grind that is commuting to the centre of Edinburgh would test the patience of a saint. So having a facility where you can park your car on the outskirts of the city and use regular public transport to complete your journey seems sound. Less traffic in the city centre, no need to worry about parking fines - the Park and Ride site is free - and less traffic congestion. Excellent. Except for the bit where the Council planners get involved...

Now, one of Edinburgh's main traffic bottlenecks is the infamous Sheriffhall roundabout. During the rush hour you can sit in queues of traffic there for up to half an hour. Doesn't sound too horrific in this day and age but when you sit for that length of time there and back that's an hour of your day. Almost every day. A Park and Ride site would surely ease this congestion. It probably would. But Midlothian Council, in their wisdom, have built the facility someway past the Sheriffhall roundabout - meaning commuters from Midlothian to Edinburgh still have to sit in seemingly endless queues of traffic.

The most logical idea would surely be to have had the park and ride on the Midlothian side of the by-pass - before you head for the notorious roundabout. Less cars, smaller queues, and you get an hour of your life back every day. But then again, logic doesn't sit easily alongside the words Midlothian Council - take a look at the latest location for yet another set of traffic lights in Dalkeith.

I really hope the new Park and Ride facility works. But, unless it's moved, I fear it won't be the huge success the council bigwigs think it will be. Particularly as it seems no one has explained the concept to First Bus - the 7.40 number 86 service to Edinburgh didn't show up this morning. Again...

Council Binmen

Recycling. That's one of the buzzwords these days. Everything must be recycled to reduce the 'carbon footprint'. Fair enough. Naturally, politicians fall over themselves to show how they can 'do their bit'. Also fair enough. But when it filters down to local authorities actually trying to implement recycling then the whole thing falls apart.

Take Midlothian Council for example (please, somebody) The good citizens of Dalkeith have been given one black wheelie bin for 'normal' rubbish (Council manifestos and the like), a brown wheelie bin for garden refuse such as hedge cuttings (but for God's sake don't put these in a black bag first), a wee blue box for paper and a wee red box for glass.

So we make the effort - as we feel we should - of sorting out our rubbish, seperating the papers and bottles and putting them in their proper boxes. Only for our esteemed Cooncil binmen to leave the bottles and jars on the premise that 'they were dirty'. Of course they're dirty, they're rubbish that's being thrown out. Apparently the people who run Midlothian want us to wash our rubbish before putting it out. It's bad enough that we have to cart our wheelie bins and boxes about half a mile on to the street ('cos they won't come to collect) but now we're expected to wash the bloody stuff too.

Well, here's my message to the people in the big pink hoose in Dalkeith. Until you come even close to resembling having the ability to be able to organise a p**s up in a brewery, all my rubbish is going into one big, black bag.

Sort that lot out...