Are You?

A fella goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

'Do I know you?'

'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' she replies.

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

Trembling somewhat he asks 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my backside with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly.........
















'No, I'm your son's teacher.




Thanks to June in Seattle!

A Misunderstanding

My dear friend from Seattle, the lovely June, creased me up when I read her latest e-mail. Part of it read:

Right now I am watching a few interesting shows on Hitler on the history channel, I was thinking of you while I was watching it..........not that you remind me of Hitler, just that I know how much you are interested in this time period.

Now I've been called and compared to many things, but Hitler is a first! I wonder if the fact I was out to the pub last night wearing knee length black leather boots and a brown shirt and am growing a small moustache may have had anything to to with it...? I know what June really meant and she alluded to it in her e-mail but I have to say it brightened my normally miserable Sunday.

My dear old mum is the person who I associate most with misunderstandings. A few years ago there was a spate of threatened anthrax attacks and she was telling me how concerned she was about opening any suspect looking parcel that may be delivered to her (although quite how she thought she would be a target for any terrorist activity is rather beyond me) As she put it, she was quite concerned about the threat of Andrex...Rather fittingly, the following day I took her to the Hearts-Aberdeen game at Tynecastle (she's an Aberdeen fan) and the kick-off was held up for a couple of minutes after the Aberdeen fans threw a multitude of toilet rolls on to the pitch. So, perhaps she had a point all along...

Her piece de resistance, however, was when she thought about getting one of those new 'George Formby Grills'.

At least her eggs would turn out nice again...

Trampolines Can be Dangerous...

Thanks to June in Seattle!

Films I Never Tire of Watching

Despite the multi-channel world we live in these days, there was nothing on the television last night that I considered worth watching. Watching Z list celebrities fall on their collective arses on ice was a non-starter; the cringe-inducing Jonathan Ross hosting the British Academy Film Awards was another. However, the latter did make me consider sticking on an old film and set me thinking on films I never tire of watching.

People tend to ask what your favourite film is. I don't have a particular favourite but there are a few that I have watched several times and will doubtless watch again. In no particular order these are:

Schindler's List: An epic and one of the most powerful depictions of the Holocaust. This film was in my mind last July when I visited Auschwitz in Poland, one of the most moving experiences in my life.

It's a Wonderful Life: James Stewart was never better than in this, a tear-jerker usually shown at Christmas. I know my good friend June in Seattle also loves this film.

Fever Pitch: It's not often a film version matches an outstanding book but author Nick Hornby - one of the best there is - must have been delighted that the big screen version captured his story perfectly. A film I can relate to in so many ways.

Comfort and Joy: Bill Paterson is quite superb in this humourous story of an ice-cream war in Glasgow. Memorable for the scene where Paterson - playing the part of a local DJ - is chased by a baton wielding thug shouting 'It's you, isn't it? It's Dickie Bird! Gonnae play us a request on yer show? Montovani, something like that?' Also memorable for me is the appearance of the gorgeous Clare Grogan. I wonder what's she doing now?

Gregory's Girl: Like Comfort and Joy, this is a charming film by Bill Forsyth. Set in the place I spent my early childhood, Cumbernauld, this film has a special place in my heart. And it also stars Clare Grogan. I wonder....

Monty Python's The Life of Brian: The Pythons at their best. 'All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health.........what have the Romans ever done for us?'

The Fly: Not the gruesome Jeff Goldblum remake but the original 1958 film with Vincent Price. Quite magnificent.

The Incredible Shrinking Man: From the same era, when Scott Carey is exposed to a combination of radiation and insecticide he begins to shrink - his encounter with a spider in the basement is the stuff of horror legend!

There are other films which take my fancy including most of the Carry-On films and many of the British black and white dramas from the 1960s such as A Taste of Honey, Saturday Night Sunday Morning and This Sporting Life.

It's Monday morning, it's snowing heavily and I have a day off work. I'm off to dust off another dvd...

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

UK scientists have developed a drug which may halt the progression of Alzheimer's disease.
Trials of the drug, known as rember, in 321 patients showed an 81% difference in rate of mental decline compared with those not taking the treatment. The Aberdeen University researchers said the drug targeted the build-up of a specific protein in the brain.

Alzheimer's experts were optimistic about the results, but said larger trials were now needed.
Presenting the results at the International Conference on Alzheimer's Disease, Professor Claude Wischik said the drug may be on the market by 2012.

From the BBC News Website (for full story click on the blog title)

Alzheimer's is a soul destroying - as well as mind destroying - illness. I had close hand experience of it a few years ago when two elderly relatives took it. The couple had been married for over sixty years but age took its toll and the old man died after a long illness. His wife had been struggling with the onset of Alzheimer's for some time but the traumatic effect of losing her beloved seemed to intensify her illness. She stood motionless at his funeral and asked me the heartbreaking question - 'who has died, son?'

A couple of years ago there was a television documentary about former Scotland football manager Ally McLeod, famous - perhaps some might say infamous - for leading Scotland to the ill-fated World Cup Finals in 1978. In his twilight years, Ally was affected by Alzheimers and the documentary showed an ailing Ally sitting at home with his wife watching old videos of Scotland losing to Peru. Strikingly, Ally could not recall what had happened. He has now since passed away.

A very dear friend of mine in Seattle is anxious about her mother who has recently been diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimer's. I hope this news item will give June and millions of other people in her situation some hope.

Perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...

We live in an age of instant communication. Computers, the internet and mobile, wireless technology mean we can communicate instantly with almost any part of the world at the press of a touchpad or click of a mouse. Satellite wizardry has changed the world and made it a much smaller place. But naturally there has to be a down side to all this.

Spam. Unsolicited e-mails from all parts of the globe (although mainly, it has to be said, America) It's a blight of the communication age and a constant irritant. Why don't you fit a spam filter I hear computer experts cry? I have - through those bastions (no, that's not a spelling mistake) of communications, BT. I pay the princely sum of £1.50 per month for the chaps and chapesses at BT to divert rogue and sometimes malicious e-mails from my in-box to the bulk mail box. And to be fair to BT it usually works with as much as sixty junk e-mails heading my way every day. But occasionally, e-mails that aren't spam are read as such by BT and are deposited in said bulk mail box. Which is as much as an irritant as having to deal with the damn spammers in the first place.

My good friend from Seattle, the lovely June, cheers me up no end with her thoughtful and compassionate words. But sometimes the BT filter gets suspicious and diverts her e-mails in the same direction as dubious messages offering everything from Viagra to valium. Which means I have to check the bulk mail to ensure there isn't anything of value there. I made the mistake of just emptying the bulk mail folder the other week without checking and thereby deleted an important e-mail from Heart of Midlothian FC about plans for my contributions to next seasons programme.

So, I have to wade through reams of rubbish just in case something has slipped through. At this time of the year I'm receiving dozens of junk e-mails about what I ought to do for Father's Day which, apparently, is this Sunday (if my daughters are reading this, that's this Sunday) Given my father has been dead for more than eleven years it's not something high on my priorities but this is a stark example of my privacy being invaded by unscrupulous companies who show no consideration for the feelings of others.

As for the companies constantly screaming at me to buy Viagra, I have considered taking legal action against them.

But then a good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, told me it would never stand up in court...