Hilda Ogden & The Google Search

The other day I was contemplating writing an article for my column in the Hearts Matchday Programme about Scottish football in the 1970s. For an accompanying image, I thought I would try and search for a photograph on the old tin’ternet. The best web search engine - so I've been told - is Google so I typed the words 'Scottish football in the 1970s' and clicked on the image icon on my computer toolbar. I waited for hundreds of images of Scottish footballing icons of four and decades and more ago - but some of the results which flashed on to the screen were rather perplexing.

In no particular order, alongside the likes of Graeme Souness, Kenny Dalglish and Denis Law were:

Alf Ramsay - that Scottish football icon

Gordon Brown (a long haired Brown from the early 1970s)

Jimmy Reid, former Trade Union leader

Daybreak presenter Lorraine Kelly (so my wife tells me)

Bart Simpson in a Rangers top

German legends Franz Beckenbauer and Gerd Muller

A team photograph of Elgin City - from 1936

Richard Branson in a swimming costume  (honest!)

Hilda Ogden, once a character in the popular soap Coronation Street

Penelope Keith

Elliot Gould

John Cleese as Basil Fawlty

Tony Curtis (God rest his soul) and Roger Moore as television's The Persuaders and, perhaps most disturbingly of all, porn star Linda Lovelace (I had to find out who this person was - honestly, mother...)

Interestingly, alongside a photo of an Aberdeen player who was a hero of the 1970 Scottish Cup Final - Derek 'Cup-tie' Mackay - was a black and white photo of a Soviet Union nuclear warhead.

Now, I find Google a useful tool for research purposes. But when I type in the words Scottish and football I don't expect to come across Hilda Ogden and Penelope Keith. Yes, they were stars in the 1970s - but I can't recall them performing at Tynecastle (although given some of Hearts performances back then, they probably would have provided a more useful defensive partnership than the one we had in Gorgie at that time…)

It may well just be me, of course. When I typed in 'Scottish heroes' I got a photo of Clint Eastwood and Donald Sutherland - Google had ignored the Scottish bit and gone for an image from the film Kelly's Heroes.

For some mild amusement I typed my name into Google and got numerous results about Mike Smith, the late television presenter and Mike Smith, the late lead singer of The Dave Clarke Five, a popular music combo of the 1960s. Interestingly, they both also share my middle name which perhaps indicates that Google is smart after all. It didn’t come up with ‘George Clooney lookalike’ though which is rather disappointing…

Alarmingly, when I clicked on images of my name one of the photos was titled ‘alien abduction’ while another was of a middle aged bearded gentleman with a naked beer gut holding a pint of beer. And, no, it wasn’t me…

The next time I conduct a search, I think I'll try and outsmart Google by typing in the word Morrissey i.e. the ex-lead singer of The Smiths. One of his famous lyrics went 'please, please, please let me get what I want - this time...'

A Morrissey Classic

This song reminds me of my days in Aberdeen....

The Coastal Town They Forgot to Close Down

Such is the emotional power of music that certain songs remain etched in the memory and remind you of places and people, some you remember fondly, some you may try to forget. Whenever I hear The Four Tops classic number 'Reach Out I'll be There' for example, I'm instantly transported back to Cumbernauld, just outside Glasgow in the late 1960s. As a child in my formative years, for me, this song is forever linked with the new town. To this day when I hear the song I close my eyes and for a couple of minutes I'm back in simpler times when there were no personal computers, no internet, no mobile phones, I would be out playing with my pals - and my mother and father would be in the house keeping a beady eye on me.

Similarly, years later when I lived in Aberdeen there were a couple of songs that summed up my less than happy time in the Granite City. The Proclaimers burst on to the scene in the late 1980s and penned a few memorable ditties, none more so than 'I'm on My Way' (from misery to happiness today) This was a song I never tired of hearing - for obvious reasons - when I left Aberdeen for Edinburgh nearly twenty years ago. But I heard the other song a a few days ago for the first time in years - Morrissey's Every Day is Like Sunday. I had forgotten what a wonderful song this is and it's hard to believe it's twenty-one years since he wrote it. Living in misery in Aberdeen at the time, the lyrics hit a resonance with me which few other songs do:

Trudging slowly over wet sand

Back to the bench where your clothes were stolen

This is the coastal town that they forgot to close down

Armageddon - come Armageddon! Come Armageddon! Come!

Everyday is like Sunday

Everyday is silent and grey

Hide on the promenade scratch out a postcard

How I dearly wish I was not here

In the seaside town...that they forgot to bomb Come! Come! Come - nuclear bomb!

Morrissey was,of course, the lead singer with The Smiths back in the early 1980s before he embarked on a solo career. The Smiths were one of the best bands around in a decade which taste forgot and blandness and greed took over. You may try to imagine how wonderful it felt hearing that song - living, as I did, in the coastal town they forgot to close down...

Here's to 2009

Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time


Say what you like about Morrissey but he could write damn fine tunes...What I want for 2009 is world peace - but that's bollocks so I'll try for some other wishes.Such as...

...Health and happiness for my family. That daughters Laura and Michaela and grandchildren Jack and Hannah will continue to bring joy into my life. Did I really say that? Okay, substitute ‘continue to bring joy’ with ‘bring me less grief‘. I sincerely hope 2009 is a better year healthwise for me. 2008 was a catalogue of ill-health (keep this to yourself but I'm not a well man) and is ending in much the same way as it began with a visit to my doctor. I've now been struck with a chest infection but, if the doctor's surgery was anything to go by this morning, so has the majority of the population of Dalkeith.

…Health and happiness for those people outside my family who mean so much to me. To Colleen in Aberdeen who has given me new purpose in life and whose re-acquaintance was something I never thought would happen. (btw if Colleen’s daughter Nicola reads this - Jeezo yer maw can talk for Scotland!) Also health and happiness to June in Seattle and to Gary in Aberdeen - neither of whom has had the best of years in 2008. To Rob in Norway, however - I hope 2009 brings you as much happiness as 2008 did (and I’m not just talking Fabio Capello!)

...Hearts to start the year with a 10-0 victory over Hibernian. For a match report to say Csaba Laszlo says we still get just the three points, the same as any other win over the wee team but he’s disappointed with the number of missed chances from his team. Mixu Paatelainen says his team played all the football although to be fair no one told the Finn the game kicked off at 12.30pm… A week later Hearts are restricted to just five goals in the Scottish Cup triumph in Lochend.

...Independence for Scotland. Unlikely to be in 2009 I know and the downturn in the global economy makes this particular dream look to be a bit further away than this time last year. But Scotland has, on the whole, made a damn fine job of its devolved parliament. There's no reason why we can't go it alone. If only fellow Scots could take that next brave step...

...The breakthrough for Scots singer/songwriter Ally Kerr. He is such a talent it beggars belief why he isn't such a star in his homeland as he is in Japan. Hear some of his brilliant music at www.allykerr.com.

…Likewise Carolyn McGoldrick. http://www.carolynmcgoldrick.com/ Carolyn, like me, spent her formative years in Cumbernauld and has written a powerful song about her home town. I wish her and Ally every success in 2009.

...For my Hearts-supporting friend and fellow blogger Adullamite - here's hoping 2009 brings you success on the job front. With such a gift for words you could try writing a book, my friend. And next time you're in Auld Reekie you'd better buy me and Lady Muck a drink...www.adullamite.blogspot.com

…To win a substantial sum of money. Seeing as I don’t play the National Lottery and have given up on the football pools, this would appear the least likely of my wishes to come true (well, apart from putting ten goals past the Hibees) So I’m relying on the generosity of my darling daughters and good friends - or winning a million on the fixed odds coupon at the bookies. Nae chance on either count, then…

…and finally to all the visitors to this blog. Jeez, have you got nothing better to do?! Seriously, I hope that 2009 is everything you wish it to be. The signs aren’t exactly promising what with the world hit by financial calamity and insecurity, fear and pessimism over-riding much else in life. It will be hard to have a positive frame of mind with so much bad news going on. But there are good things going on in life. There are good people around. Love and respect for each other does exist - it just doesn’t get the publicity it deserves.

To all my friends and to those who read my rants, I give you words of wisdom from the wonderful Mr. Pete Wylie:

Let's have another drink and let's talk about the blues. Blues is about dignity, it's about self-respect, and no matter what they take away from you - that's yours for keeps. I remember how it was, how every medium - T.V. and papers and radio and all those people were saying: 'you're on the scrap-heap, you're useless', and I remember how easy it was to start believing that. I remember how you'd hear people take it for granted that it was true - just 'cause someone with an ounce of power said so. And that's a problem now, too many oddballs, too many pocketbook psychologists and would-be philosophers with an axe to grind. But there's a solution, it's not easy, but it's a matter of coming to terms in your heart with situation you're in, a matter of choosing how things go for you and not having things forced upon you. There are plenty of forces against you, forcing you against your will, your ideals - you've got to hope for the best, and that's the best you can hope for - you've got to hope against hope... I remember something Sal Paradise said, he said: 'the city intellectuals of the world are debauched from the full body blood-of-the-land and are just rootless fools'. So listen, when the smile, the condescending pat-on-the-back comes and says: 'we're sorry, but you're nothing, you've got nothing for us and we've got nothing for you', you say: 'No', and say it loud: "NO!", and remember, people who talk about revolution and a class-struggle without referring explicitly to everyday life, without understanding what is subversive about love, and what is positive in the refusal and constraint...with situation you're in, a matter of choosing how things go for you and not having things forced upon you. There are plenty of forces against you, forcing you against your will, your ideals - you've got to hope for the best - and that's the best you can hope for.

A Very Happy New Year to Everyone - here's to good health, peace and happiness in 2009!