January - Don't Be Angry With Me

The first full working week of 2019 has now been done and filed away. The time of peace and goodwill to all is but a distant memory as the frantic pressure of working life takes hold once again. The build up to Christmas gets earlier and earlier with each passing year and before you know it the festive season is over – until the frenzy starts all over again in a few months.

Yet, there is something strangely comforting about the return to a routine. Not working for a couple of weeks is something I usually look forward to, but my mindset changes and I become lethargic. Like so many others I usually eat far too much rubbish and consume more alcohol than is good for me. I lapse into cannae-be-arsed mode (some people may say they don't notice any difference)

Therefore, returning to the discipline of getting up at the same time every day, going to work, dealing with the everyday pressures of life brings a normality which is akin to being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold winters day.

By George, I’ve even returned to the gym this week – for the first time since November. This took a huge amount of effort at first but come Friday it was becoming routine once more.

Work is frenetic and with nothing happening for more than two weeks there has been a plethora of meetings, conference calls and objective settings. Everything is, of course, extremely urgent with the world being threatened with coming to an end if certain tasks are not completed IMMEDIATELY. And, among the many ‘buzzwords’ are ‘there’s no ‘I’ in team; going forward; thinking outside the box, setting long-term objectives and looking at the wider picture’

There’s no ‘I’ in team but there is a ‘m’ and an ‘e’… (can you sense my cynicism?

Christmas was less than three weeks ago but it seems ages now. That said, Leith still seems to be clinging on to the wreckage of the festive season. At the foot of Leith Walk (the thoroughfare that links Edinburgh to the old port) the burgh’s Christmas tree is not only still standing but remains fully lit – 12 days into the New Year. Which merely adds to the winter fuel where Leith folk believe they are neglected by their big city neighbours who run the council services for Scotland’s capital.

Or perhaps, as my good pal Gary suggested after a few pints of foaming ale last night, every day is Christmas in Leith…

It's That Time of the Year...

...when little people like to pose....

...some more than others.....

while some are too busy growing up fast....

But from the Auld Reekie Ranter and his clan...

...young and, er....

 ...that wee bit older....

All the best for the festive season. And one final thought...

Christmas Carols - A Health & Safety Guide

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; 
We will lend a coat of fur, 
We will rock you, rock you, rock you, 
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells - Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O ' er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around he/she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVBand the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load 

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ' little ' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star 

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ' cash for gold ' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RACroutefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed -
This is definitely one for Social services

Boxing Day

Mind Your Language, Plze. Ty.

Today's society does like to use acronyms in everyday language. In an age of instant communication there seems to be an almost over-bearing laissez-faire attitude to the use of the English language. Perhaps it's yet another sign of my aging process but I received an email from someone the other day which they ended with TY and their name. Folk of my daughters age do not hesitate to tell me this is 'shorthand' for Thank You. Now you may think I'm being old fashioned here but this irritated me greatly. Any appreciation I may have had for this person showing a molecule of gratitude disappeared when I realised they couldn't be bothered to type the words 'thank you'.

Among the many banal comments on the social networking site Facebook, the tendency for people to type omg seems to be growing. Some people use it twice as in 'omg omg I can't believe what's happening in the X Factor.' Now to me  - and I suspect I'm not alone - this may well as well be a foreign language. My younger daughter Michaela tells me omg is an acronym for Oh My God. This appears to be yet another Americanism to have crossed the pond to our shores and is another that irritates me greatly.

Not so long ago when someone told you good news, you might expect to say "congratulations". This would be the polite way to react if, for an example, someone said that she was going to have a baby. Now it seems not only acceptable but a requirement of young people to shriek 'Oh My God!!!'  

Although the phrase has the word "God" in it, it has now become so frequently used that most people don't associate it with religion. This means people use it whether they're religious or not. Now, I'm not a religious person by any manner of means but the use of the word God in everyday language with it not having any religious meaning is another abuse of the English language. For which I blame the Americans...

Add to this the fact that most towns and cities in Scotland now have their Christmas lights adorning their High streets - six weeks before Christmas - and you may appreciate why a part of me yearns for years gone by. I write this rant after a hard day at the office, having consciously avoided heading towards the thronging masses of Edinburgh's Princes Street. Some people Leith already have their Christmas trees up and lights blazing in their windows – I kid you not, dear reader. We have not yet reached the halfway point in November. How many of those so eager to scream Happy Christmas from their houses will actually go to church services on Christmas Eve? In fact, how many go to church at all? It seems to me that many people are not celebrating the birth of Christ but the time of the year when they can spend money they haven't got, scoff food that isn't particularly good for them and guzzle copious amounts of alcohol which will inevitably lead to unacceptable and in some cases embarrassing behaviour.

I know this will come across as yet another rant from a grumpy old man. And it is. Or as my daughters may put it on Facebook 'OMG, Dad is in one of his moods again. Hope I don't c him b4 I go Xmas shopping. LOL'

But if anyone out there has a degree of sympathy for me, I would like to say thank you. Or, in today's language TY......

Christmas in Scotland - Part 2

Christmas in Scotland

A Scottish Christmas Fairy

I am a little fairy
On tap o' the Christmas Tree
It's no' a job I fancy
Well how would you like tae be me?

A'm tarted up wi' tinsel
It's enough to mak ye boak
An a couple o' jaggy branches
Rammed up the back o' your froack.

An' wi'a' these lights a'roon me
I canna get my sleep
An' there's the yearly visit
Fae Santa - Big fat creep!

On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
While you're a a'wirin' in
An' naebody says "Hey you up there,-
Could you go a slug o' gin?

It's nae joke bein' a fairy
The job's beyond belief
Ye go 'roon and 'roon the bairnies beds
An' lift their rotten teeth.

But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets
An' I've mentioned only some,
The very worst is up a tree
Wi' pine needles up yir bum.

When a' the fairies meet again
By the light of' the silvery moon,
Ye can tell the Christmas fairies -
They're the wans that canna sit doon.

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
As the firelight softly flickers
But think o' me,- A'm stuck up here
Wi' needles in my knickers !

So soon as Christmas time's right by
An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
I'll get awa back tae Fairyland
An' Ah'll see yous a' next year.

An Apple and an Orange...

In a desperate attempt to get me to partake in some Christmas spirit, my daughter Michaela bought me a ticket to see the classic Frank Capra film It's a Wonderful Life, shown in Edinburgh's The Filmhouse on Christmas Eve. My loathing for what Christmas has become - a commercial festival lasting a minimum of twelve weeks rather than twelve days - is apparent in the pages of this blog. However, It's a Wonderful Life harks back to a time when Christmas brought out the best in people rather than the opposite. It remains one of my favourite films and I still smile when, towards the end of the film, I hear the despairing James Stewart snap 'Why did we have so many kids?!'

I spent Christmas Day with my daughters, grandchildren and my mother and, like most other families that day, spent the afternoon eating too much, drinking too much and thanking family members telling them they shouldn't have spent so much money this year. Pretty much the same as every other year. With the recession biting hard and thousands of people facing the very real risk of unemployment, I do despair when I see people spending money they evidently haven't got. When the credit card bills drop through the letter boxes of thousands of homes a few weeks from now the spirit of Christmas will be a distant memory, replaced by the high anxiety of having to pay for it.

My grandchildren, Jack and Hannah, were thrilled with their presents although, as ever, they found it difficult to know what to play with first. Their low attention threshold meant they were eager to move on to something else - simply because it was there. My mother, bless her, still speaks of being a child in the Second World War when she and her sisters received an apple and an orange. Seventy years on, getting an Apple and an Orange means you're more likely to get a computer and a mobile phone...

Christmas in my own childhood in the late 1960s/early 1970s meant the latest publication from D.C. Thomson - The Broons or Oor Wullie Annual; The Beezer, The Dandy or a football annual such as Shoot! or The Topical Times. Electronic gadgets were a no-no - not even Rolf Harris's innovative Stylophone (thankfully...) We didn't have turkey for Christmas dinner, we would have chicken. A small chicken, so small it was still in its shell....

Now New Year beckons and a few days off work to recharge the batteries (or sober up, whichever you prefer) Soon it will all be over, the daily grind will return - to those of us lucky enough to still have jobs - and those who think it's tasteful to have hundreds of flashing lights adoring the outside of their house will be switching them off. Darkness and the gloom of January will soon be upon us...

Happy New Year, folks!

A Tough Year

It's almost upon us. The time of year when people get together, exchange gifts, eat too much, drink too much and try to forget about work and the stresses and strains of everyday life. For some, however, Christmas can be a difficult time, particularly for those who have lost loved ones during the year.

My youngest daughter Michaela lost her fiance in tragic circumstances last April and this has been well-documented in this blog. She's a bit like her Dad in that she'll put on a front and not want people to fuss over her. 'I'm fine and I can cope' is her forthright message to anyone who shows concern. This doesn't stop me worrying about her. She'll be feeling her loss acutely as Christmas Day approaches. It'll be the little things like not having to look for a present for Billy; not sharing Christmas Day with him; not wondering what he's bought her as a present. She'll see other couples radiate happiness and simply be with each other at a time of the year when being with one another means everything. Michaela won't want me saying this but I'll be giving her an extra hug this Christmas Day - I can only try to imagine how tough it will be for her but she knows her mother and I will be there for her.

I know some readers of this blog have also suffered personal loss this year and my thoughts are with them too. To everyone who has read my ramblings this year, thank you for doing so. I wish each and every one of you a wonderful Christmas and hope 2010 is everything you want it to be.

Christmas Songs - A Health & Safety Guide

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells - Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O ' er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around he/she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ' little ' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ' cash for gold ' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed -
This is definitely one for Social services

The Twelve Days of...

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four Babychams, three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me FIVE BARLEY WIIIIIINES......four Babychams three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the Sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six Carlsberg specials, FIVE BARLEY WINES.....four Babychams, three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the Seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven rum and cokes, six Carlsberg specials, FIVE BARLEY WINES..... four Babychams, three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the Eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight nips of whisky, seven rum and cokes, six Carlsberg specials, FIVE BARLEY WINES.... four Babychams three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the Ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine vodka and limes, eight nips of whisky, seven rum and cokes, six Carlsberg specials, FIVE BARLEY WINES.... four Babychams, three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the Tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ten creme de menthe, nine vodka and limes, eight nips of whisky, seven rum and cokes, six Carlsberg specials, FIVE BARLEY WINES.... four Babychams, three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me ,eleven Blue Lagoons, ten creme de menthe, nine vodka and limes, eight nips of whisky, seven rum and cokes, six Carlsberg specials, FIVE BARLEY WINES.... four Babychams, three black and tans, two nips of gin and a wee heavy and a half-pint...

On the twelvth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve alka seltsers, eleven Blue Lagoons, ten creme de menthe, nine vodka and limes, eight nips of whisky, seven rum and cokes, six Carlsberg specials, FIVE BARLEY WINES... four Babychams, three black and tans, two nips of gin and....A WEE HEAVY AND A HALF PINT.....

Hic!

All I Want Is...

You have to feel for poor, harassed shop assistants at this time of the year.

Today, I was browsing in the excellent Fopps Record Store in Edinburgh's Rose Street and asked if they had anything by The Doors.

“A fat security guard and a Big Issue seller,” replied the assistant.

As I said earlier, wake me up when it's January...

'Tis the Season...

...Edinburgh's Christmas lights were switched on tonight - and we're still in November.

Wake me up when it's Boxing Day...

Ye Cannae Make This Up - Part Two

It hasn't been the best of days -returning to work after a week off, I feel like I need another break! On returning home, cream-crackered, ready to collapse into a chair and looking for my old consoling mate Jack Daniels, I had to check the date while opening my mail. For, among the plethora of junk and election leaflets (do the Tories and the bloody BNP seriously think I'm going to vote for either of them?) was a catalogue. With a huge picture of Santa Claus beaming out from the cover with a snow-covered background.

Yes, some company called 24studio clearly believe we should be thinking about Christmas when we haven't even reached the end of May yet. The Christmas Book 2009 screamed from the cover that 'everything was half-price'.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what it is that's half-price as I've thrown it in the bin. And for the tree-huggers out there, that's the recycling box before you accuse me of destroying the planet.

Is it me????

A Seasonal Greet

So, here it is....

Chaos in the kitchen

Screaming grandchildren wreaking havoc

Mountains of wrapping paper which, having been carefully pieced together just days before, now lie in a crumpled mess all over the house

Inordinate amount of boxes of Celebrations, Roses, Quality Street and sweets you don't get at any other time of the year. No Brazilian nuts this year please...

Pairs of novelty socks or a novelty tie which you wouldn't be seen dead wearing

A woolly jumper which is too small and quite hideous

Wearing a bloody stupid paper hat and trying to keep the cheap plastic inserts from the cheap Christmas crackers away from the brats - sorry, loveable grandchildren (still wreaking havoc)

Inedible turkey covered in gravy which is too rich and accompanied by brussel sprouts that are as hard as bullets

Roast potatoes which will crack laminated flooring if they fall off your plate

Christmas pudding which looks and tastes like something you wouldn't give to the dog

Listening to Granny's woes and how Christmas isn't what it used to be

Repeats of Morecambe and Wise and The Two Ronnies on the telly (because even the BBC recognise that much of today's comedians are frankly rubbish. David Mitchell? Jimmy Carr? Little Britain? I've had more fun visiting the dentist)

Thinking of many other places you would rather be (or is that just me?)

To those regular visitors to my rants, thanks for taking the time to visit the blog. I sincerely hope your Christmas will be a darn sight happier than mine. And may 2009 be everything you want it to be.

Mike Smith

And So This Is...

Tis The Season (Christmas Rant No. 95)

Regular readers of my rants may have gathered I'm not a fan of this time of the year. Here are just some of the reasons why...

Christmas Cards

Nothing says "I don't really give a feck about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Far worse is the Christmas newsletter: "Hi, I can't be bothered to write each of you a personal letter, so here's a computer-printed newsletter to brief you on my boring year." And in this internet age, Christmas e-mail postcards. If anyone e-mails me a snowball this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork that will make their eyes water...

As an aside, I saw someone open an advent calendar from Woolworths on Monday. Sadly, all the windows were boarded up and there was nothing inside...

Christmas Shopping

The insanity begins shortly after Guy Fawkes Day, when anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from anything resembling a retail store. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in force every year. And there's no let-up until at least the second week of January, because even after Christmas, people return their shitty gifts (see below). And it's not as if the Christmas shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and store decorations as early as October. Which brings me to...

Early Christmas Shoppers

The only thing worse than the moron who waits until December 24 to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug bitch who has all her shopping done by July. That's not misogynist: It's always women who shop this far in advance. (Name three guys who have their shopping done before December.) Now, so as not to irk those (women) who conscientiously buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year, I am speaking here of the ones who can't resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping done before July." In other words: It's fine by me if they do it; I just don't want to hear it. Because it makes me want to divide such people into 17 asymmetrical pieces. So for those people, some advice: If the topic comes up ... lie. Claim that you're even farther behind on your shopping than the rest of us. That's the best gift you can give your friends.

Christmas Gifts

The whole giving-and-getting thing makes me sick. When you exchange gifts with someone, you feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you; you also feel bad if it's the reverse. "Wow, a DVD player! Er... thanks. I got you...a pair of gloves." You calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you're basically putting a price on your love. How much is Mom worth? £150? £200? How about your cousin? One great reason to stay away from romance is the agonising over what to get your boy/girlfriend that first Christmas. And what to get his/her parents, siblings, etc....And of course he/she (usually she) will say, "You don't have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together." This, let me tell you, is bullshit...

Christmas decorations

Why the hell are so many are so tacky? No one would ever stick a plastic blow up doll of a red fat man on the front lawn at any other time of the year. What is the point of Santa Claus anyway? Is he a substitute for Jesus? Or is he just an excellent marketing tool for retailers? Whatever the case, if a big fat man tried to enter most peoples' houses in the middle of the night, half the population would blow him away with the shot gun they keep stashed under the bed for such purposes. The other half would lock their doors and ring 999. The point is- we tell our children constantly to beware of strangers and intruders, then for one month of the year we demand they go sit on some fat man's lap and accept his offer of candy and gifts. And when he breaks into our house we leave him biscuits and milk.

And finally (for now)

I hate sanctimonious people - like myself - who cynically whine constantly about how Christmas is so consumer driven and everyone is selfish and the music is tacky etc etc. We seem to think we are the only ones who see the real truth behind the day.

Is it January yet?

A Good Reason To Head to Croatia

The Croatian government has banned Christmas and New Year parties in the public sector because of the global financial crisis. State-run firms and organisations have also been told that they won't be allowed to dip into their funds to buy Christmas presents.

The ban follows a proposal to freeze public-sector salaries next year. Prime Minister Ivo Sanader said there was no need for panic, but the country had to be serious.

"For that goal we forbid buying of Christmas and New Year's gifts as well as organising of Christmas and New Year's receptions," said Mr Sanader.

From the BBC News Website

I can't say I've ever entertained any thoughts about visiting Croatia. Until now. Cancelling Christmas parties is an excellent idea in my bah-humbug book.

I have opted out of my office Christmas Party this year as have some of my colleagues. Like most other organisations ours is a corporate bash where all the different departments attend. I simply no longer have the urge to sit in a room full of people who either give you grief or simply choose to ignore you if you pass them in the corridor the rest of the year. Trying to make small talk to someone who you don't really give a toss about whilst wearing a stupid paper hat, eating barely edible turkey and having bloody Shakin' Stevens singing Merry Christmas in the background isn't my idea of fun. And paying way over the odds for the privilege merely adds insult to considerable mental injury.

'So what are you doing for Christmas? Are you having the family?' Sorry, I'm not going to answer your ridiculous questions because then I would feel obliged to ask you the same and I really couldn't give a Jonathan Ross about you or your family. No offence...

Enduring the meal and the smalltalk is bad enough; there's the 'disco' afterwards. Middle aged women who in normal circumstances barely give you the time of day are suddenly transformed by a couple of glasses of cheap red wine and drag you on to the dance floor 'because it's Christmas'. Strangely enough, come Monday morning they're back to their non-communicative ways and looking quite sheepish as they try to remember what they were up to on Friday night.

So (paper) hats off to the Croatians. Christmas becomes more and more of a commercial festival with each passing year. And for this grumpy old ranter more and more tedious.

Wake me up when it's January...