Creative Journalism

Hearts had the best chance. A Calum Elliott effort in the first half was cleared off the line by Gary Caldwell. The only other moments of danger to Celtic were when Christian Nade, on as a substitute, raced through on goal in the second half and fell over. Christos Karipidis also had a shot in the first half that Artur Boruc countered in the way my mum used to pay for a new settee. He saved in instalments.

From The Herald

Now Hugh Macdonald is a fine journalist. But I'm wondering if he compiled his report on the goalless affair between Celtic and Hearts yesterday during the game or did he wait until he opened a bottle of wine or two in the evening? Either way, my congratulations to him on being the first writer to use the words Christian Nade and raced in the same sentence...and the five hundreth to use the words Christian Nade and fell over in the same sentence...

Escape To...A Monday Holiday

Now, I'm not one to complain......but today is a local holiday - in fact it's a holiday for much of the country - and, for once, the weather is half decent. The sun is out, the temperature is in double figures and Edinburgh resonates to the sound of grass cutters, hapless attempts at d-i-y and screaming kids. But, I'm still suffering from the effects of that near fatal disease known as Man Flu. I'll spare you the gory details but suffice to say I wouldn't be at all surprised if shares in Kleenex tissues and Lemsip have quadrupled over the weekend...

Feeling sorry for myself, I tuned in to a bit of telly this lunchtime and stumbled upon yet another showing of Escape to Victory on Channel Four. It's one of the corniest films ever made but it's one of those where, despite having seen it several times before, you sit down and continue to watch the antics of Michael Caine and co. build a football team from prisoners of war in Nazi Germany with the intention of making good their escape from the camp.

I switched on at the point where the likes of 1980s Scotland star John Wark - in his cameo role in the film - runs about like a headless chicken but still impresses coach Michael Caine. The ball then trundles off the pitch to a bunch of soldiers sitting watching when one of them collects the ball and demonstrates a hugely impressive display of keepie-uppy.

In awe, Caine asks 'Where did you learn to do that?'

'Oh, on the streets of Trinidad' replies the legendary Pele, temporarily forgetting the fact he's Brazilian and the most famous player the world has ever produced. Of course, as the film is set in the Second World War, Pele would, in reality, have been but a baby but it all adds to the daftness of it all. Least not the role of Sylvester Stallone as the heroic goalkeeper, despite his assertion that 'soccer is not a proper sport and is for fairies'. I could mention Hearts present day 'striker' Christian Nade but that would be vindictive...

But, alas, I had to leave Caine and his boys and attend to my small but rapidly over-growing garden which has taken on the appearance of a Burmudan jungle. Well, I will as soon as I've finished this glass of 'toddy' and stuffed another half box of Kleenex up my over-sized beak.

Have I mentioned I have Man Flu...?