Politicians Cry Fowl...

The fallout from the UK General Election continues to make the news headlines. Austerity, poverty, Europe, independence for Scotland – these are issues which will be at the heart of the new Westminster Parliamentary session. However, there is another question which the people of the UK want answered – just why did the chicken cross the road?

Nicola Sturgeon, First Minister for Scotland & Leader of the Scottish National Party: I think the chicken crossed the road because it wanted change. It just wasn’t going to accept austerity and the cutbacks which this Tory government will impose. Our job is to ensure the chicken’s voice is heard at Westminster and that now it has crossed the road it will be better off there and not subject to savage cuts imposed by this Tory government which the chicken clearly didn’t vote for. In fact, I believe the chicken would have rather voted for Christmas than another Tory government that ignores Scotland.

Alex Salmond, MP, Scottish National Party: It is abundantly clear that chicken flew across the road because it heard the roar of the Scottish lion – a roar that will frighten the life out of David Cameron and this Tory government, a government, let’s not forget, that Scotland didn’t vote for and if they think they can… (contd. page 94)

Ed Miliband, former Leader of the Labour Party: I want to be absolutely clear on this. What’s your name? Well, Mr Auld Reekie Ranter, I won’t lie to you. We in the Labour Party got it wrong. And we let the chicken down badly. We pledged to stand up for the working class chickens but I accept we should not have ignored the more affluent chickens, those who will still be around after Christmas. And I feel an enormous amount of empathy for chickens everywhere – like most of them at Christmas, my career has just been absolutely stuffed…

David Cameron, Prime Minister:  Well, clearly the chicken made a statement last Thursday. It trusted the Conservative Party with its future, the economy and its standard of living. Not that I can guarantee it will be living for much longer as when it crossed the road it obviously was unaware of the great big austerity oven which has been turned up to gas mark 7. There’ll be no benefit for the chicken in crossing the road, particularly as Chancellor George Osbourne will be slashing all benefits in his next budget. I’m disappointed that the Scottish chicken has flown the coop completely and is wanting to go its own way. But it should remember it was asked the question about separation last year and it said no. So the Scottish chicken should now realise it is no different to the rest of the chickens in the UK – it’s going to be completely stuffed in a few months…

Nigel Farage, Leader of United Kingdom Independence Party: Clearly, the chicken demonstrated how fed up it is with the way things are going in this country. It’s time to put a stop to foreign chickens flying into this country, doing nothing but strutting around farmyards all day while the good old British chickens are slaving away laying egg after egg just so those foreign chickens can lie around. I say we should ban immigration of chickens forthwith and you all know I’m a man of my word. Now I’m off for a quick pint before heading home to the wife. She’s German, you know, so don’t mention the war. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.

Jim Murphy, Leader of the Labour Party in Scotland: Well….it’s been….a bad result for chickens not just in Scotland…..but across the United Kingdom. But I just want to say….it wisnae ma fault and I’m no’ resigning. What we’ve got to do is to engage with the chickens again….to offer them…….something different. I’ll be fighting for the Scottish chickens in the Scottish elections next year…..there is an alternative…..oatmeal stuffing or sage and onion? (that’s three references to chickens being stuffed but bear with me)

Ruth Davidson, Leader of the Conservative Party in Scotland: Well, clearly the chicken had no option. It was frightened of staying put and the prospect of Ed Miliband being Prime Minister dancing to the tune of Alex Salmond meant it flew the coop. In fact, it wasn’t just one chicken that crossed the road – all the Scottish chickens crossed. But, frankly, we don’t care as we’re now a majority government and in the best tradition of Conservatism we’ll be ignoring the interests of the Scottish chickens and all things Scottish for the next five years.

George Galloway, Leader of the Respect Party: It has come to my notice there has been widespread malpractice which lead to the chicken crossing the road against its will. I am in the process of compiling information which will form a petition to have the chicken cross back over to the other side of the road again. And I can confirm my intention to sue all those people who didn’t vote for me last week. I know who you are – you will pay for your shameful betrayal to someone who has shown strength, courage and indefatigability and I want you to know I am coming to get you…

Tony Blair, Former New Labour Prime Minister: Listen, I’m a modest kind of guy but speaking as a former leader of New Labour and a man who single-handedly won three general elections, toppled Saddam Hussain and his weapons of mass-destruction (he did have them, you know) and brought world peace and prosperity to all mankind, I just want to say this: Labour needs to target the centre ground for all of the chickens in this country, not just the working class ones. If this means getting halfway across the road before being splattered to smithereens by a passing juggernaut then, hey, that’s life. Or death in the case of the chicken....That will be £1,500 please – just make the cheque out to T. Blair.

Natalie Bennett, Leader of the Green Party: What’s that? Why did the chicken cross the road? Well….I don’t think….well….I don’t know. Did it cross the road? Why shouldn’t it cross the road? Perhaps it…..no, sorry, my mind’s gone completely blank.

The MP Who Went to Hell

Three weeks today the UK goes to the polls for the General Election. The various political party campaigns officially began just after Easter but it seems to the poor beleaguered electorate as if it began at Christmas.

Tonight on BBC1 there was yet another ‘leader’s debate’ - the third one on a matter of days although this one didn’t feature Prime Minister David Cameron. I’m biased, of course, but the SNP’s First Minister – Nicola Sturgeon – won the debate hands down. She is intelligent, articulate and passionate.

Enjoyable as the debate was, one can fully understand if the electorate start to become rather weary with the election campaign. Yes, it’s important that everyone who can vote does vote come May7th but sometimes I wish the political parties would stop to draw breath – and gie us all a break!

No matter where your political allegiance lies, this story may make you smile. An MP dies and heads up towards the Pearly Gates. There, the MP is greeted by St. Peter.

The MP knows the reputation of many of his colleagues has been tarnished somewhat so he asks St. Peter if it is right he should be allowed into Heaven.

“Well, my son” says St. Peter, “What happens for MPs is that we ask them to vote where they want to go when they die. This way you decide for yourself. You can have five minutes in Heaven and then five minutes in Hell. Then, you come back to me and put a cross on this piece of paper indicating where you would like to go”The MP was somewhat bemused by this but didn’t dare question the words of St. Peter.

He tried Heaven first. It was pretty much as he imagined with peace, tranquillity and kindness – although he didn’t see many ex MPs there…

Then returned to the Pearly Gates and went downstairs to Hell. With some trepidation, he walked in rather gingerly. However, to his astonishment, all he could see was people drinking wine, dining on fine food, partying, having a great time. ‘Wow’ thought the MP who returned to the Pearly Gates after his five minutes were up.

“Well, my son” asked St. Peter, “Here is your voting slip. Put a cross next to either Heaven or Hell, fold it and place it in the box over there.

“Oh, there’s no doubt” the MP thought to himself. “It has to be Hell. They’re all having such a great time down there!” He put his cross next to Hell and put his voting slip in the box as instructed.

“Very well” said St. Peter. “You’ll need to wait here until I come back tomorrow” The MP lay down by a harp and settled down for the night.

In the morning, the MP was taken downstairs to the entrance to Hell. The door opened and he stepped inside. All he could see was desolation, a wasteland with poor, weak people in heavy chains, barely able to walk. He turned to shout to the departing St. Peter.

“What’s this?” he shouted. “Yesterday this was pace was full of joy, merriment and laughter. What’s happened?”

“Ah” said St. Peter, “Yesterday I asked for your vote. Today, I have it…”