Travelling on Buses

The regular reader of my ramblings - Mrs Trellis of North Wales - may look at the title of this post and think 'oh no, not another diatribe against Worst Group' (rants passim) As anyone from Edinburgh will point out by looking at the accompanying photograph, this particular posting is about the other bus company in Scotland's glorious capital city - Lothian Buses, the one that actually does care about people who use public transport.

I was on one of Lothian's spanking new buses the other day - what they're calling a Hybrid bus. Apparently it is cleaner, quieter and smoother than other buses,will cut the carbon footprint of the daily commute and is more efficient, more environmentally friendly and quieter. And, I have to say, I was impressed. It's also a talking bus - a recorded announcement is made for each stop along the route (the next stop is...York Place) and there is a small screen that displays how long it will be until certain destinations are reached. As if this wasn't enough, there is also free wi-fi access which, if rolled out to other bus routes such as Edinburgh to Dalkeith, will be a boon on the long journey trying to ignore screaming kids, drunks, loud students and annoying adolescents...

It's another sign of life in the 21st century. As a child growing up in Aberdeen, I was used to some ramshackle old buses as I made my way to school in the early 1970s. People still smoked on buses forty years ago, the only concession (if you'll pardon the pun) was that one had to sit upstairs if one wished to puff on a cigarette. Thus, the roof of the top deck of an Aberdeen bus invariably became brown coloured through years of cigarette smoke. Conductors were slowly disappearing from the scene in the 1970s but there was something reassuring about a man with a peaked cap coming to collect your fare and rummaging in his black satchel for change before handing you your ticket. On occasion he would, rather like today's Hybrid bus, tell you where the next stop was, although bawling 'Come on, get aff' tended to confuse non Scots visitors to the Granite City...

That brilliant singer/songwriter Paul Weller used to sing about 'travelling on buses' on The Jam's classic number That's Entertainment. Well done to Lothian Buses for at least trying to make public transport an enjoyable rather than just a necessary experience for many.

Now, I can't post about public transport without having a pop at First Bus. While Lothian Buses are going the extra mile, First Bus have done the exact opposite in the area I live. They've amended the bus route meaning my bus-using neighbours and I now need to walk half a mile to catch the nearest First Service 86. Alternatively, we can walk a few yards and catch a Lothian Bus which will be clean, on time and reliable. While the Worst Group buses are now running half empty.

As Lothian Buses will tell you with some degree of accuracy - they're streets ahead in Edinburgh...

Meanwhile, in the Council Chamber...

Chairman: So, fellow Cooncillors, item 3 on the agenda - the installation of a pedestrian crossing on the A68 in Dalkeith. Any comments before I pass the motion?

Councillor A: Aye, I would like to ask why we're installing another pedestrian crossing on that stretch of road when we already have 40 sets of traffic lights.

Chairman: Well, in my view, ye cannae have too many pedestrian crossings.

Councillor A: Aye, but this new one is only ten yards from the last one we installed last month.

Chairman: But we need it for the kiddies. We dinnae want to be sued by Mr & Mrs Numpty when their brats run across the road and are squashed by a number 86 bus.

Councillor B: Ah wouldnae worry aboot that, Mr Chairman, the number 86 bus disnae go faster than five miles an hour...

Chairman: Point taken, Cooncillor B, but we can't take any risks. I've seen some o' thae First Bus drivers when they're aboot tae finish their shift fairly bombing along the A68.

Councillor A: That would be very difficult with all those traffic lights. Anyway, we've already got a pedestrian crossing outside the old Dalkeith High School. I remember we installed it a month before we closed the school.

Chairman: Aye, but wi' obesity levels rising it's asking a lot of the locals to walk roond the corner ten yards just to cross the road. So gentlemen - are we agreed?

All: Aye!

Chairman: Right, motion passed. I'll get the road dug up again - it should nae take that long, it was only resurfaced last week. I'll see if there's any temporary traffic lights left we can use in the meantime. I think we might have used the last set last week. Okay - last one to the pub gets the drinks in...

Millionth English Word Declared

A US web monitoring firm has declared the millionth English word to be Web 2.0, a term for the latest generation of web products and services. Global Language Monitor (GLM) searches the internet for newly coined terms, and once a word or phrase has been used 25,000 times, it recognises it.

From the BBC News Website

Web 2.0. That's a strange one. Or two point zero. There are a few words in Scotland that are used considerably more that 25,000 times but aren't considered 'English'. I'm sure, dear reader, you can imagine what some of these words are. Inspired by Billy Connolly's sketch about pretend swear words, here are a few words and phrases I use you wouldn't find in any Oxford English Dictionary - or US web monitoring firm...

Bassa: a derogatory term used as an expression of anger. As when the number 86 bus fails to turn up for the eighth day in succession 'First Bus, you're nothing but a bunch of useless bassas...

Nade: used when describing someone as particularly slow or even inert. As in jeezo, mate, have you not got the drinks in yet? I've seen Christian Nade move quicker than you. Also used in relation to being lazy, lacking in enthusiasm and general malaise. In Scots terms, cannae be ersed...

Gettaefalkirk: commonly used as a way of declining an offer. As in being asked to work overtime on a Saturday - 'You know what you can do - you can gettaefalkirk'

Pissupinabrewery: a term used quite regularly, particularly when lauding the efforts of local councils. 'I see, Jim, that Midlothian Council are installing another set of temporary traffic lights in Dalkeith while they dig up the road they resurfaced last month.'
'Aye, see thae cooncillors? They couldnae organise a pissupinabrewery...

Jaiket on a Shoogly Peg: a Scots Human Resources term to indicate an employee has been found guilty of a misdemeanour so serious they have been issued with a final written warning.

Yer Tea's Oot: another Scots Human Resources term, used when the employee fails to take heed of the above warning and ends up being dismissed.

That's enough made up words from me.

The Language Of...???

As a fortysomething who sometimes feels his best years are setting like the sun on the horizon with the darkness of old age about to take their place, I occasionally feel my grandad status more acutely.

A younger colleague of mine in the office was chatting excitedly yesterday about going on holiday with her young family. 'So,' I casually remarked, 'You'll be feeling demob happy?' She looked at me with vacant eyes. 'What's that then?' she asked with an expression which suggested the old man's off on one again.

I tried to explain the term demob harks back to the second world war and the decade immediately after when young men and women served their country during conflict and in the post-war years did their national service in the armed forces. Having done their duty, they were demobbed back into 'civvy street', hence were demob happy.

Of course even I am too young to have been subjected to this - my fellow blogger and Jambo Adullamite will probably be able to tell you more, having served his country in both world wars - but the term was still widely used when I first began working thirty years ago. Many of my colleagues 'on the buses' in the late 1970s - pre First Bus when the company actually ran services to published timetables - were approaching retirement age and had served their time in the army. They often referred to going on holiday as being demob happy.

I really ought to make more of an effort to modernise my use of language but I find it increasingly difficult in this age of internet and mobile phone technology and the cursed 'text' speak. Daughter Michaela sent me a text message the other night saying she would give me a lift home - 'Al be over in fifteen minutes'. Quite who Al is I'm not sure but I can confirm my younger daughter has not acquired the services of chauffeur and indeed turned up on her Jack Jones (sorry, younger readers - on her own)

A minor source of irritation in a life I find increasingly irritating is the use of 'lol' not only in text speak but on internet messageboards. I know it stands for 'laugh out loud' but I always liken it to a stand up comic who is about as funny as a trip to the dentist and laughs at his own gags. I struggle with the whole concept. Another fellow Jambo sent me a text recently which seemed to allude to the fact he would see me on the motorway between Edinburgh and Glasgow. But what he actually meant by 'c u ltr M8' was that he would renew his acquaintance with me at a future date.

My elder daughter, the shy and retiring Laura, communicates with her father not so much by phone but through the pages of 'Bebo', the social - or you might say anti-social web site. She occasionally 'sends the love' although this is spelt 'luv' presumably because the energy she saves by typing three letters instead of four can be put to much better use...

I manfully try and accept all this on the premise of if you can't beat them, join them - lol. So until the next incoherent rant, I'll say TTFN.

Park and Grind

Now, I've ranted on here about Midlothian Council before. And, doubtless I'll do it again. But the Park and Ride facility at Sheriffhall - which genius in the Big Pink Hoose in Dalkeith thought of that?

To be fair, the concept is a good one. The daily grind that is commuting to the centre of Edinburgh would test the patience of a saint. So having a facility where you can park your car on the outskirts of the city and use regular public transport to complete your journey seems sound. Less traffic in the city centre, no need to worry about parking fines - the Park and Ride site is free - and less traffic congestion. Excellent. Except for the bit where the Council planners get involved...

Now, one of Edinburgh's main traffic bottlenecks is the infamous Sheriffhall roundabout. During the rush hour you can sit in queues of traffic there for up to half an hour. Doesn't sound too horrific in this day and age but when you sit for that length of time there and back that's an hour of your day. Almost every day. A Park and Ride site would surely ease this congestion. It probably would. But Midlothian Council, in their wisdom, have built the facility someway past the Sheriffhall roundabout - meaning commuters from Midlothian to Edinburgh still have to sit in seemingly endless queues of traffic.

The most logical idea would surely be to have had the park and ride on the Midlothian side of the by-pass - before you head for the notorious roundabout. Less cars, smaller queues, and you get an hour of your life back every day. But then again, logic doesn't sit easily alongside the words Midlothian Council - take a look at the latest location for yet another set of traffic lights in Dalkeith.

I really hope the new Park and Ride facility works. But, unless it's moved, I fear it won't be the huge success the council bigwigs think it will be. Particularly as it seems no one has explained the concept to First Bus - the 7.40 number 86 service to Edinburgh didn't show up this morning. Again...

Worst Group (again)

I think I've figured it out. Worst Bus in Edinburgh have clearly identified the number 86 service between the capital city and Dalkeith as losing money hand over fist. This will be why this morning, when I left the house to get the 7.40 bus to the city centre there was a large queue of disgruntled passengers at the bus stop. At 7.45 a bus arrived. Unfortunately this was the 7.33 express service - although I use the term loosely - which only stops at certain points. The 7.40 was not far behind, presumably once the driver had finished the crossword in the Metro newspaper.

But I can see Worst Bus' ploy. With buses either alarmingly late or just not turning up at all, with drivers who know Krakow well but are clueless when it comes to darkest Dalkeith, and with a timetable that may well be on the shortlist for this year's Booker Prize for best piece of fiction, Worst will feel if they can drive enough passengers on to Lothian Buses they can withdraw the number 86 altogether.

And they can use the money saved on not providing buses for some other persecuted part of the Lothians...