Breakfast in the Darling household. Mr Darling cooks breakfast
Alistair: What would you like for breakfast, darling?
Mrs D: Well, I think I’ll have some bacon.
AD: I’m afraid you can’t have that.
Mrs D: Why not?
AD: It’s simply not possible.
Mrs D: But surely the bacon is as much mine as it is yours.
AD: It’s not logical for you to share the bacon with me.
Mrs D: Why ever not?
AD: It simply wouldn’t work. And now that I’ve said you can’t have the bacon, you’ll have to choose something else. Have got a Plan B?
Mrs D: It’s in my best interests to share the bacon with you. As I’ve already said, it’s as much mine as it is yours. And if I want to have the bacon I shall have it.
AD: So, you don’t have a Plan B? How about a Plan C, D, E or F?
Mrs D: I want what’s best for me. You shared some bacon with one of your former treasury colleagues the other morning – he said it was perfectly plausible and you said it was logical and desirable.
AD: My words were taken out of context. Can’t you not consider, just for a moment, that you are wrong and you can’t have the bacon?
Mrs D: I want what’s best for me. You can’t stop me having the bacon.
AD: No, I can’t but it’s just not practical. You sharing the bacon means you’re not really independent and you’re relying on me to set the breakfast agenda. That’s very much like having you cake and eating it.
Mrs D: Or bacon roll…
AD: You simply can’t stand there and say ‘I’ll have the bacon’ You have to have a Plan B.
Mrs D: There’s no need for a Plan B – that bacon is as much mine as it is yours.
AD: Have you considered the consequences if you can’t have the bacon? Will you opt for the Euro Sausage? Or create your own cereal?
Mrs D: You’ve changed your tune. You once supported the idea of us having a shared breakfast. I think you’re trying to create a climate of fear by telling me I can’t have the bacon and will have to use something like muesli instead.
AD: You seem to forget that I helped saved the local butcher when he faced bankruptcy by buying his stock of bacon. And now you expect me to share this with you?
Mrs D: Yes, and you bought the bacon when you were in charge of the breakfast budget. You put all your eggs in one basket so to speak.
AD: I must also warn you that the fine coffee you enjoy won’t last forever. There’s only so much coffee left at the local corner shop.
Mrs D: There’s a plentiful supply of coffee which will serve us well for years to come.
AD: It’s going to run out at some stage. And then what will you do?
Mrs D: What about the fresh new coffee that’s been discovered in the new supermarket?
AD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mrs D: Yes you do. Mr Cameron was there just the other week but didn’t want anyone to know about it.
AD: You know I’m right and you’re wrong. You can’t share the bacon and the coffee will soon run out. Why don’t you consider eggs for breakfast?
Mrs D: There’s one reason why I can’t.
AD: Which is?
Mrs D: The yoke’s on you, Darling…