Medical Notes

I am led to believe these are sentences typed by medical secretaries in NHS Hospitals in Greater Glasgow. I found numbers 21 and 26 particularly amusing...


1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in casualty, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

English Mars Bars...and Scottish Mars Bars

Scots aren't quite supporting the makers of Mars Bars idea of getting behind England in the World Cup...

School's Out

Regular visitors to my ramblings will perhaps realise my opinion of Midlothian Council is not very high. Local government bureaucracy is something that affects many councils and having worked for Midlothian's local authority a few years ago, I know it's rife in the Big Pink Hoose in Dalkeith - otherwise known as the Council Headquarters.

My grandson Jack turned five years old earlier this month and will attend primary school for the first time in August (after the teaching profession enjoys its customary six week summer break) For the past year he has been attending a nursery school in the centre of Dalkeith which has the primary school attached - and where the progression of nursery children to primary school is made seamless. He has made a few friends at this nursery, the teachers say he's doing very well and - most important - he loves it there. So, no problem come August when Jack and his pals make the first of many big steps in childhood - going to primary school. No problem until the council bureaucrats stepped in...

Midlothian Council have reviewed the catchment areas of eight primary schools in the area. You can perhaps guess what's coming, dear reader - Jack is one of those children affected. His mother received a letter today advising that Jack will need to go to another primary school than the one previously advised - because he lives in a certain part of Dalkeith that is to be covered by another school. The many friends Jack has made in the last year will still head to the primary school they expected to go to - while the wee man will have to start all over again at a new primary school. A new school, new teachers, new schoolmates.

Daughter Laura will try and persuade the education people at the council to change the rules to let her son go to the primary school she wants - but she's not holding her breath. As is the norm with Midlothian Council there are consultation meetings and questionnaires to the parents asking for their opinions - but these tend to be token gestures. I suspect decisions have already been made.

One of the reasons I no longer work for Midlothian Council is because when I was there they were an utter shambles. When Laura and Michaela were at school not so many years ago, I was regularly locking horns with the education section. There was one occasion when St. David’s High School telephoned me at the office to advise that Michaela had not turned up for school. My heart sank as she had left the house in the morning as usual. I tried unsuccessfully to contact Mrs Smith and spent an uneasy couple of hours before the school phoned me back to say they had made a mistake - Michaela was there as usual. My opinion of St. David’s High School had never been high in any case - that day it sank to a new low. It sank further still when I received a report card for Michaela with her English teacher writing the words ‘Michelle lacks attention to detail…’ St. David’s High School was, occasionally, comedy gold.

However, this latest wheeze isn't funny. Starting school for the first time can be quite daunting for a child. Until today it wasn't something Laura or Jack were concerned about, given his progress at nursery this year. Now, it's a different matter.

As someone once said 'that's another fine mess you've gotten me into...'

World Cup Notice

The authorities in South Africa have just issued this quite useful guide to those who may not be aware the footy is about to start....


Dear Wife/Sweetheart/Girl Friend/Partner/whoever it may concern,

1. Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup of Soccer and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. Therefore, DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will run the risk of our relationship ending.

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game I won't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....it just won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please - if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time"". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game ; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them, I want to see them again, many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my
attendance because:

a) I will not go,

b) I will not go, and

c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because the reply will be, "Refer to Rule 2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words because before and after this comes the Champions League, SPL, Scottish Cup, Premier League, Italian League....


Thank you for your cooperation.

The A-Z of Not Being Very Well...

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H high blood pressure-I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L's for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,

just give me a pill and I'll be good as new

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, now what's going round?

X is for X ray and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have-in my mind.


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed...

Happy Birthday Laura

My elder daughter is 24 years old today. I still remember the day she was born as if it were yesterday - now she has three children of her own, the latest addition arriving less than a week ago.

Have a great day, darling.

Got it Taped

Technology has advanced so much in recent years it can be hard for old fogies like me to keep up. IPods, MP3s, MP4s, multi-media tablets, Bluetooth, Internet, Intranet - it's easy to get lost in a world of must have gadgetry. As I hurtle towards the half-century of my life, occasionally I hark back to more simpler times when email was something someone from Yorkshire would greet the postman with and high-definition television meant turning the contrast button on a black and white set...

Clearing stuff out from the loft the other week, there was - among the plethora of dust covered junk that I just couldn't bear to throw out - a large cardboard box full of cassette tapes. Most people under the age of twenty-five years will not have a clue what I'm talking about (okay, I know that can be said for the majority of my ramblings on this site but that's another matter) There were dozens of tapes covered in enough dust to threaten airspace in the skies above Edinburgh. Some dated back to the mid 1970s when I was but a teenager. Back then there were no MP3 players, the Internet was something American scientists spoke about and the term download hadn't been invented yet.

The tapes contained music I had taped from the radio in my formative youth. The 1970s version of 'downloading music' involved setting up a small cassette tape recorder next to a transistor radio in my bedroom and recording music  - I use the term loosely for that decade - from the sometimes crackly sound of 'Wonderful Radio One' on the 247 frequency. Sunday evenings between 6.00pm and 7.00pm was when the Top 40 was played on Radio One. This was best time to record the best selling hits of the day although as Radio One joined Radio Two once the show was over - no 24 hour pop music then, younger reader - you ran the risk of recording Sing Something Simple immediately after. However, this was eminently cheaper than buying records - large black vinyl round things, young 'uns - although the downside was you had to try and cut out the inane cackle of disc-jockeys such as Tony Blackburn, Dave Lee Travis and Noel Edmonds (three decades and more later I'm still trying to avoid the smug bearded one on television)

I pored over the tapes and my mind drifted back to simpler times, growing up in Aberdeen, falling in love for the first time and leaving school to begin my first job. I realised, to my considerable anguish, that I no longer had anything to play these tapes on. It looked like their contents would be lost forever - until I saw something advertised on the Radio Times magazine's Home Shopping catalogue.

There, among the cheap garden ornaments, carpet cleaners and miniature ovens was something called a T2-MP3 hand held converter/player. It looked like an early version of a Sony Walkman, the cassette playing contraption that you could actually walk about with (hence the name - smart, eh?) that came out decades ago and was the forerunner of today's MP3 players. Not only does it play cassettes  but the converter - as its name implied - actually converts tapes into MP3 format which, in turn, allows you to play them on an IPod.

For less than £20 it was too good an offer to resist and my small but perfectly formed package - I can hear your innuendo from here - arrived the other day. I have made a start on the mammoth task of transferring my old tapes to MP3 format and expect to complete this task by the time baby Ava leaves school...

Regular readers of this blog  - Mrs Trevis of North Wales - will already know that I'm a sad old geek. Something to which my daughters will readily testify. If you see a fella wandering the streets of Edinburgh, headphones plugged in, smiling inanely, there's a fair chance it will be me listening once more to the 'happy, happy sound of Radio One' and music from decades gone by. Do what you can to help. Call the Care in the Community helpline without delay...

Women - A Formula

Thanks to my good friend Peggy for this!

When a Child is Born - Part 2 (well, 3 actually...)

My third grandchild - Ava - was born at 5.18pm on Tuesday 11 May 2010 at Edinburgh's Royal Infirmary. She is - like her big sister Hannah and her even bigger brother Jack - a little diamond. Then again, I'm biased...! I thank my daughter Laura and her partner Nicol for bringing another little bundle of joy into my life. I am proud of each and every one of them...

And Now The End is Near...

...and so Gordon Brown, the unelected Prime Minister of Britain faces his final curtain. At 10.00pm on Thursday the polls will close on the UK general election  - and I strongly suspect it will be the end of the line for Brown. If - or should that be when - it happens little time will pass before the Labour Party will be holding a leadership election of their own. Brown will be shown the door and, having seen the impact of David Cameron on the Conservatives and Nick Clegg on the Liberal Democrats, the smart money will be on a younger, more media savvy person to lead the party. Andy Burnham? David Miliband? Ed Miliband Or how about Glenn Miliband? (he's not been seen for years though....)

What all this will mean, however, is the near certainty the Tories will return to power in the UK for the first time in thirteen years. Even if they have to rely on sharing some of that power with the Liberal Democrats. Scots remember all too well what happened the last time the Conservative Party was in government - Margaret Thatcher tried her damnest to destroy Scotland.

It may prove significant, however. Few people in Scotland want more years of Tory rule. If David Cameron is elected as Prime Minister on Friday the impact may well start the final push towards independence for our country.

Every cloud and all that...

Happy Birthday Jack the Lad

It's hard to believe my grandson is five years old today. Just a few more years before he's taking his Papa to the pub and buying him a pint. It's a Scots tradition you know....