Don't Panic...

The strike planned for this Sunday by workers at Scotland's only oil refinery at Grangemouth has illicited a response from the Scottish government of 'Don't panic'. And this serves to highlight what the ordinary working man and woman feel about our beloved politicians - thousands of Scots are now doing credible impressions of Corporal Jones of the BBC comedy classic Dad's Army. I'm a huge fan of First Minister Alex Salmond - I firmly believe the Linlithgow Jambo will lead Scotland to independence before long - but when he urged Scots not to panic but then asked them to either make essential trips only or use public transport he did come across as a tad contradictory.

Some petrol retailers have done nothing to banish the image of the tight-fisted Scot by hiking up prices. This has, quite understandably, angered many who perhaps weren't inclined to panic buy but are now assessing their options after considering what the price of a litre of petrol may be this time next week.

As someone who prefers to use public transport anyway, I was alarmed when news broke this afternoon that Lothian Buses had not received a delivery of fuel as expected and they would not be able to run buses after this Sunday. The Scottish Government realised the implications of this for Auld Reekie and immediately guaranteed the bus company that they would receive their fuel - it would just be a bit late. So hopes of a day off work on Monday have rescinded for the time being.

This 'crisis' emphasises just how crucial the Grangemouth refinery is to Scotland. A two day stoppage threatens to grind the country to a halt. In this day and age that's difficult to accept. But what crossed my mind tonight was even more alarming. Nearly a year on from the attack on Glasgow Airport, any would-be terrorist may be seeking temporary accommodation in the Falkirk area at any moment...

Coping

This Friday the mother of a good friend of mine in Seattle goes into hospital for a major heart operation. Her daughter, one of the most caring and wonderful people I know, is flying to Kansas City to be by her side. My thoughts are with them both and I hope they both get the strength to come through.

It's when things like this happen, events that affect those you hold so dear, that one tends to switch on to automatic pilot. My own mother had a health scare eighteen months ago. She was living in Aberdeen at the time which only made me worry all the more. Thankfully she recovered but this was a huge influence on her decision to move to Edinburgh to be closer to her immediate family. She doesn't see Aberdeen FC so much now but that's merely an added bonus!

Life is tough enough with the daily grind at work, the never ending battle to make ends meet to keep a roof over your head and problems that having two adult daughters and two grandchildren bring. As I get older it seems to me that life is one constant worry. But when something major happens, when someone close to you has to go into hospital for a major operation, all your other worries seem to pale in comparison. You do tend to focus on the main source of anxiety - and while this doesn't make your other problems go away they are put into some kind of perspective.

A crap day at work when the whole world seems to want a piece of you can be frustrating and very tiring. But in the wider scheme of things, the health and well-being of the people you love are infinitely more important.

Definitions of the Sexes

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to the cinema? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Eighties Music

I have a confession to make. I bought a cd today (yes, I know we now live in the download age but I still have a penchant for actually going into a store and buying music). In this case it was 100 Hits of the 80s.

Now the very title of said cd infers it must be an oxymoron. The 1980s were, to many, the decade that taste forgot, certainly in musical terms. The case for the prosecution lists Wham!, Duran Duran, Adam and The Ants, Haircut 100, Dollar and bloody Rick Astley and his Stock Aitken and Waterman cronies. And, worst of all, the metamorphosise of angry young man Paul Weller in The Jam to a cardigan wearing , pretentious lead singer of The Style Council.

But the case for the defence is not as weak as one may think. The cd contained some memorable tracks from Altered Images (I'm still in love with Claire Grogan), The Beat, The Steve Miller Band, Aztec Camera, Echo & The Bunnymen and The Stranglers.

So perhaps the decade that is remembered for Thatcherism destroying whole communities and a way of life, mullet hair cuts and rolled up jacket sleeves wasn't all bad. Some of these tracks brought back memories for me of getting married (the day after Brazil humped Scotland 4-1 in the 1982 World Cup), the birth of my two daughters and Hearts last day nightmare in Dundee in 1986.

But as Everything But The Girl sang - I Don't Want To Talk About It. Unless your name is Claire Grogan...

Unusual Sighting in Dalkeith

LOCALS SHOCKED BY BUS 'ON TIME'

By Our Transport Reporter Stan Dingages

Residents in Dalkeith, Midlothian, spoke today of their shock of seeing the 8.10 First Bus service to Edinburgh leave the Mayfield terminus on time. Disillusioned passengers have long since given up on First Bus providing the service it says on its timetables and have been resigned to hanging around the bus terminus for long spells in the hope that a Number 86 will eventually make an appearance after the driver has read his paper and consumed a flask of tea.

But today, shocked passengers trooped down to the bus stop to find the Number 86 not only there waiting for them but actually leaving at its designated time of 8.10. Said one astonished resident 'I couldn't believe it when I left the house and saw the bus sitting there. I thought I was still dreaming and had to pinch myself to make sure it wasn't a mirage'.

A First Bus spokesperson apologised to passengers for the confusion. 'It appears there was a misunderstanding which meant the driver actually turned up two minutes before the scheduled time and departed as per the timetable. We're all aware that passengers don't expect many of our buses to turn up at all, let alone leave bang on time so I can only apologise on behalf of the company. Passengers can rest assured that normal service will be resumed tomorrow when we don't expect the 7.40 and 7.55 buses to turn up at all and the 8.10 to be ten minutes late.'

Inspector Blakey is 94.

Great Subbuteo Matches of Our Time

With the end of the football season now in sight, the thoughts of Hearts supporters are elsewhere, anywhere but on the football field after what has been a disappointing season. But the premature end to Hearts season brought to mind the days when I was a lad (no, not the war years) in the early 1970s when Hearts often struggled in an eighteen team First Division (the top flight in those days) and an early exit from the Scottish Cup meant tedious end of the season fixtures against the likes of Arbroath and East Fife with nothing to play for.

In order to relieve such turgid fare, my cousin George and I would arrange our annual Subbuteo Challenge Cup match, a game that would take on unhealthy significance for both of us. Subbuteo was then, and probably still is, the world’s best table football game and was the saviour in the Smith household on many a Saturday evening.

It says much for my nerdiness that I still recall the 1974 Slade Album to the Winner game that was to become not so much the Battle of Santiago (younger readers ask your grandfather about the 1962 World Cup) as the Battle of South Aberdeen, where I was living at the time. The game was my first experience of the class war that still exists in today’s society. While I had just two Subbuteo teams, a set of two goalposts and a brown ball, cousin George had a dozen teams – one of which was Ajax of Amsterdam – a green baize pitch with markings, a dugout, plastic figures of a manager and an assistant and, the piece de resistance – floodlights. It was at this grand arena (George’s house) that this classic encounter took place one Saturday thirty-four years ago. After the football results had been read out on Grandstand, George and I retired to the spare room.

Typical gamesmanship followed when George decided to use his England team after I had won the toss of the coin and selected Ajax, whom Hearts had somewhat bizarrely modelled their strip on that year. While George played a 4-4-2 system with Mick Channon and Martin Chivers up front, I was steadfastly sticking to Donald Ford and co. In a bid to add spice to the occasion we both agreed that our substitutes would contain two pop stars from that era. That George elected for Elton John and Gary Glitter to sit on his bench tells you all you need to know about him. I opted for Noddy Holder and Alice Cooper but as the away team we didn’t have a bench so the glam-rockers had to make do with Uncle Norman’s ashtray - used in later years for Nicky Butt...

Now with all the smart-arse gear, George was naturally more experienced at the game than I was. As The Undertones sang so memorably in My Perfect Cousin, he flicked to kick and I didn’t know. After ten minutes, England were 3-0 up and my cause wasn’t helped when in a fit of rage I picked up Kenny Aird and threw him across the room only for the diminutive winger to be trodden on by George’s mum as she came to tell us supper was ready. After a half-time break that lasted an hour – Dr. Who was on BBC1 – the match resumed in a tense atmosphere. After Jeff Astle scored a fourth goal for the home side, I brought on Alice Cooper, a move that was to have devastating consequences for the game. As I was re-arranging the team’s formation so that Cooper was playing just behind Bobby Prentice, cousin George raced up the pitch and scored a fifth. When I protested that I wasn’t ready George merely smirked which provoked me to swing a right hook that landed on my cousin’s nose. As George rolled on the floor in agony, he inadvertently sat on Gordon Banks and as Alice Cooper and Drew Busby combined brilliantly to grab a goal back, the floodlights were switched off and the pitch was being rolled up in a vain attempt to avoid the drips of blood oozing from George’s nose.

The ensuing wails from said cousin brought a rapid appearance from his mum and I was immediately ejected from the room by the ear and told to wait for my mother who was on her way to pick me up. The subsequent four-week ban from my cousin’s house was probably for the best.

So while many of us wish to forget the season that is just about to end there are still some things worth recalling in the Smith household from tedious end of season eras. England 5 (Chivers 2, Channon, Astle, Moore) Heart of Midlothian 1 (Alice Cooper) – match abandoned after 60 minutes – remains etched on the memory even though I was only twelve years old at the time. I know, there can be few people as sad as me.

But at least Alice Cooper and Noddy Holder are still going strong…

Jokes That Only Work in Scotland

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?' asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter. 'That's affa deer,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. 'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. 'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel...'

Aw, come on, it's Sunday night and I've ran out of brandy...