So I Hit Him Again...

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes.These are new (mostly), and are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag..... but they escaped...

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of ahazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it"

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. "

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Customer Service Rant No. 94

Fate has decreed that I must follow the fortunes of Heart of Midlothian Football Club. As fellow blogger Adullamite will testify whenever Hearts are concerned it's a case of expect the unexpected. With one notable exception - customer services. The week after next Hearts are due to play Dunfermline Athletic in a League Cup tie that isn't covered by one's season ticket. However, Hearts have displayed, with some prominence, on their website that season ticket holders had until 5.00pm on Saturday 12 September to purchase a ticket for their existing seat. For convenience, Hearts add, why not try the all singing, all dancing official website and purchase your ticket on-line?

A grand idea, I thought, so I tried on-line this morning to reserve my seat. Having struggled with the Hearts website before it was perhaps inevitable that it wasn't showing as available. So I telephoned the ticket hot-line....

Thank you for calling the Heart of Midlothian Ticket Centre. Please choose from the following options:

Press 1 if wish to be kept on hold for ten minutes

Press 2 if you wish to be thanked for your patience

Press 3 to be told all our ticket operators are busy right now but someone will speak to you as soon as possible

Press 4 if you want a patronising message stating you can purchase tickets on-line at http://www.cannaebebotheredansweringthatbloodyphone.com/

Press 5 to speak a less than helpful sales person who didn't appear to be working from Tynecastle and gave the impression she didn't know where it was.

Me: I wish to buy a ticket for my existing seat for the Dunfermline game next week. I sit in the Wheatfield Stand.

HoMFC: The what stand?

Me: Wheatfield.

HoMFC: Weet?

Me: No, Wheatfield. Shall I spell it for you?

HoMFC: No, it's okay, I've got it.

I gave the girl with the English accent my seat details.

HoMFC: No, that seat is not available. I can give you one four rows away.

Me: What do you mean my seat isn't available?

HoMFC: It's been sold.

Me: Sold, eh? Your website states season ticket holders have until five o'clock tonight to buy their own seats. So why has mine been sold?

HoMFC: It's a case of first come, first served.

Me: So you lied on your website?

HoMFC: No, I didn't lie. I don't make the rules...

Not for the first time Hearts have shown complete disregard for their supporters. The seat I do have a ticket for isn't a million miles away from my own seat but this isn't the point. Heart of Midlothian FC have stated one thing and then gone and done another. Hardly likely to encourage fans to go to Tynecastle during these difficult days of recession.

It seems to me that customer service skills at Tynecastle - or wherever the ticket sales office is based (I have my suspicions it isn't Gorgie) are like goals from Christian Nade.

In short supply...

When There Are Clouds in the Sky

I know I shouldn't really do this but I feel the need to confess something today. Last night, at tea-time, I joined the thronging hordes of people heading for Glasgow. But while around fifty thousand of them were heading for Hampden Park to witness Scotland's latest failed attempt to join the world's elite, I remained in the city centre and headed for the Royal Concert Halls in Buchanan Street. To see Engelbert Humperdink.

At one time I would have qualified a confession like this with the reason that I was accompanying my mother who has been a life-long fan of the Leicester crooner who now spends much of his time in Beverley Hills. And, as a passing pedestrian remarked as we spilled out on to the pleasant September evening after the show, the majority of the audience were of 'the blue-rinse variety'. But, I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed the show. Engelbert is now 73 years old but the old-timer hasn't lost his knack of putting on a show. He has always known how to wow his audience who were there to hear his classic hits such as The Last Waltz, Am I That Easy to Forget and, of course, Please Release Me. And he gave his adoring fans a special treat with his rendition of I Belong to Glasgow which damn near took the roof off the Concert Hall. But, given the events of this year in the Smith family, his version of an old classic, the music composed by the star of the silent films Charlie Chaplin, was sublime. I must admit to feeling a lump in the old throat when I heard these words and thought of my daughter Michaela:

Smile tho' your heart is aching,

Smile even tho' it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by,
If you smile thro' your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow,

You'll see the sun come shin-ing thro' for you
Light up your face with gladness,

Hide ev-'ry trace of sadness,

Al -'tho a tear may be ever so near,

That's the time,You must keep on trying,

Smile, what's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worth-while,
If you just smile...

Michaela's fiance Billy would have celebrated his 22nd birthday on Monday had he not been taken away so tragically five months ago. Now I've teased my mother about her adoration of Engelbert for many a year and the ribbing I've had from work colleagues and friends about going to the concert last night has been incessant.

But those lyrics and the powerful style with which old Bert delivered them sent a tingle down my spine.

Either that or the old dear sitting behind me dropped her dentures down the back of my shirt...

A Glasgow Poem

Slaggy Senga fell in love
She planned tae marry Joe
She wis so happy aboot it
She telt her faither so

Faither telt her 'Senga, doll
You'll huv tae find another
I'd just as soon as yer Maw don't know
But Joe is yer half brither

So Senga put aside her Joe
And planned tae marry Wull
But efter telling Faither this
He said 'there's trouble still'

'Ye cannae marry Wull, ma doll
And please don't tell yer mither
But Wull and Joe - and several merr
I know is yer half brither

But Mither knew and said 'Ma doll
Just dae whit makes ye happy
Marry Wull or marry Joe
Cos yer Faither's no yer Pappy...'


Brings a tear to a glass eye, doesn't it...?

Gonnae No...

The last letter ever written by Mary Queen of Scots is to go on display for the first time in 30 years. The 422-year-old manuscript - written six hours before her execution - will go on show at the National Library of Scotland in Edinburgh on 15 September. The letter, which will be displayed for seven days, was written on 8 February, 1587 to the King of France, Henri III.

King Henri III was the brother of her late husband, Francois II. The letter revealed that, just hours from death, Mary asked Henri to ensure her servants' wages were paid.

From the BBC News Website

This will be a fascinating piece of literature and well worth a look. Letter writing today, sadly, appears to be a dying art with the internet, e-mail and text taking over our lives as the craving for instant communication intensifies. And with it, arguably the wanton destruction of the English language. If Mary, Queen of Scots had been around today she would have likely been given computer access to send an e-mail in her final few hours...

Hi Henri

How's tricks across the water? Hope you're well and not getting too much jib from that Sarkozy bloke. LOL.

Things aren't going so well here. The Edinburgh binmen have come out on strike again and the place is full of bloody tourists. And the trams? Jeez, don't get me started on that...

Anyways, I thought I'd better tell u that my tea's oot, so to speak. I'm sitting here in Northamptonshire just surfing the net and trying to chill. Which is difficult 'cos I'm for the chop in a few hours. That bitch Betty has finally decided to get rid and so I'm for the offski. I've just updated my Facebook page with Mary, Queen of Scots heading for the executioner's room and she's added Elizabeth I likes this...

The execution is live on Living TV. I don't think they get irony on that station. RAFL!

Could you do me a favour, m8? Could you make sure my servants get their wages? You know what the bloody Council's like and I would appreciate your help. Oh, and could you text Max Clifford? I thought he was sending the photographers from OK! magazine but there's no sign yet.

Anyways, I'm off now. Or at least my head will be in a few hours. LMAO!

TTFN

Mazza

xx

Gentle Persuasion

PUPILS are being given "get out of class free" cards that allow them to leave lessons if they feel they are about to become disruptive.

The measure has been introduced at Wester Hailes Education Centre in Edinburgh as part of a bid to cut down on the number of children being excluded and could form part of a wider policy in the city. Pupils are given cards they can hand to a teacher giving them permission to leave lessons and calm down.It also emerged that across the city, teachers are being given training in how to defuse heated situations by talking to youngsters in calming voices, introducing "distraction techniques" and using "gentle persuasion" to prevent trouble erupting.

Alex Wood, headteacher of WHEC and a member of the working group developing the new council policy, said the move would not replace exclusion for persistent bad behaviour. He said: "Teachers will be given advice in how to deal with situations like avoiding eye contact, keeping their voice low or removing a kid from class."We can also give kids get out of class cards so if a kid knows they are about to lose it they can give their teacher a card to leave the room to calm down."The policy has been drawn up by the working group, which included headteachers, social workers and educational psychologists, and the information is being sent to schools to establish a "consistent" approach.

From The Scotsman

I look forward to reading about how a teacher had a knife held to their throat by a yobbo but defused the situation by using gentle persuasion and offering them a card. Something I'm sure the thug will appreciate when he's up in court getting a finger wagging from the judge and being told not to do it again...

Now I realise my views will be out of sync with the do-gooders in society. But, instead of handing out cards and using gentle persuasion, how about bringing back corporal punishment - including the use of the belt at school - and national service? That would establish one kind of consistent approach...

Real Time

Ambling my way through Edinburgh's near deserted Cameron Toll Shopping Centre at 8.40 this morning, contemplating another fun-filled day at the office, I looked up at the rather impressive electronic board above the exit. This technological wizardry listed all the Lothian buses serving the shopping centre, where to get them and how long they would be (I can hear the smart-arses among you saying 'about twelve feet')

Impressed though I was with this information, there was one service which has a little asterisk next to it with the disclaimer 'this is not a real time bus'.

I contemplated that statement for a moment. What did they mean by that, I wondered? Had Edinburgh been taken over by aliens overnight and we were now travelling back in time? As we commemorate the 70th year since the outbreak of World War Two, were we heading back to the times of the blitz? Or further back to a period when Hibernian last won the Scottish Cup? Or even further back to when Adullamite was a child? Was this bus a figment of imagination? Would it ever appear in real life? Then it struck me (the answer, not the bus)

Edinburgh's Lothian Buses operate a bus tracker system where you can see an electronic display at many bus stops in the city centre which advises how long the next service will be. The bus that 'wasn't a real time bus' must have been an older vehicle that did not have the technology fitted. Therefore, one would have to resort to old fashioned methods and consult the timetable. I should point out that only Lothian Buses use this technology as they appear to put the needs of their passengers above all else. Worst Group (Rants passim) don't bother with such ethos although it's rumoured they are replacing their timetables with a calendar...

However, it got me thinking about the proposed high speed rail link between Edinburgh/Glasgow and London which was announced last week. With trains travelling at 200 miles per hour it's envisaged the journey times between Scotland and the old smoke will be cut to little over two and a half hours - by the year 2030...

I harbour suspicions that - particularly if Worst Group are given the franchise - will never be a real time train...