Roger Lloyd-Pack 1944-2014

Another Customer Survey

The customer is always right, so the saying goes. Of course, they aren’t always right but in these days of self-assessment and corporate image, the views of ‘the customer’ is of paramount importance to the vast majority of big and not so big businesses (BT and First Group being the obvious exception – see Rants passim)

 

I am used to using particular products and services and then receiving an email a few days later from the company concerned asking for my opinion. It’s human nature to only respond to these customer satisfaction surveys if you have something ti complain about. And, as you all know, I’m not one to complain…

 

The hotel chain Travelodge have done this for several years now. Whenever I stay in one of their hotels, I am usually asked for my opinion. The last time I stayed in one was in May last year when I stayed overnight in Aberdeen. The location was always going put a dampener on Travelodge’s effort to seek praise for their services. The hotel was clean enough and served its basic purpose of having a comfortable bed on which to crash out after a indulging in a couple of half pint shandies after watching Hearts play at Pittodrie. My grip with this particular visit was with the lass on reception who was about as welcoming as Aberdonians can be (there was never any danger of her face breaking out into a smile and she advised me the lift was ‘doon the hall there’) Naturally, I referred to this in my ‘customer satisfaction survey’ which I received a couple of days later. The point I am rather labouring here is Travelodge would have been none the wiser about their surly employee – if they hadn’t rather inconvenienced me with one of their damn surveys.

 

While I’ve been used to Travelodge’s ways of gauging customer satisfaction, it seems to me more and more companies are now following suit. I ordered something from Amazon a couple of days after Christmas. Their customer focus is second to none and upon placing the order on-line, I immediately received an email advising me when I could expect delivery. In fact the goods arrived the day before the expected delivery date so I was a happy chappy. I fully expected the ‘customer survey’ email from Amazon and this was duly received yesterday. However, to my puzzlement, the survey wasn’t asking about the delivery process; it was asking if I was satisfied with the way it was packaged. This is a new one on me. As long as the goods were intact and they were delivered on time, it’s a fair assertion that I couldn’t give a monkey’s toss about the packaging.

 

Last week, I ordered a printer from John Lewis. I opted for the ‘click and collect’ service which their Edinburgh branch operates. I ordered the goods on-line and received the now customary email advising I could collect it the following day, which I did on my way home from work. It was not a particularly memorable experience – two fellas behind a desk, one of whom went round the back of the office and returned with my printer two minutes later – but then again, collecting an item from a shop is hardly designed to be memorable. Nonetheless, John Lewis have seen fit to email me a survey asking for my opinion on their ‘click and collect service’.

 

Now, I realise the importance of gauging customer satisfaction and evaluating customer service. Good God, I work for an organisation which falls over itself at times to prove it provides excellent customer service. But, I suspect I’m not alone in becoming rather weary at receiving countless customer satisfaction surveys, particularly for nondescript, routine things like how your goods from Amazon were packed.

 

I’m like any other person in that if I’m unhappy with a service I’ll damn well complain about it (and this worked to good effect with BT in September). I really can’t be bothered with survey after survey about how my ‘customer experience’ was.

 

Unless I’m sent a survey about the customer satisfaction survey. Then I may let loose…

The Mating Game...

Now that Christmas and New Year have been and gone, there are countless television and radio adverts for dating agencies - 'a new year, a new you...' Here's one you might not have seen advertised...

Easytoplease Computing Dating Agency

Name………………………………......................................

Address………………………………..................................

Date of Birth………………………………..........................

Male/Female……………………………….........................

Introductory Section

1) Would you prefer your partner to be:

a) the opposite sex
b) the same sex
c) both
d) any sort of mammal
e) not fussy really

2) Would you prefer your partner to be:

a) alive
b) dead
c) dead but still warm
d) doesn’t matter

3) How many legs should your ideal partner have:

a) two as a bare minimum
b) one
c) none
d) doesn’t matter

4) In the event of Easytoplease Computing Dating Agency being unable to match you with your ideal partner, which of the following would you be prepared to make do with:

a) a milk bottle
b) a bar of soap and a radiator
c) not fussy really - anything will do


Now, more detailed information:

Before sex do you:

Crack your knuckles?
Roll up your sleeves?
Crouch down on starting blocks?
Give your little brother a Cadbury’s Cream Egg?
Smother your body in ‘Vick’?


During Sex Do You:

Blow your nose?
Play a harmonica?
Smoke a pipe?
Think about camels?
Whistle?
Wear Ear Muffs?
Talk about the drought in Somalia?


After Sex Do You:

Get up and go home?
Put a notch on the headboard?
Turn up the sound on the television?
Break wind?
Notice a difference between your two big toes?
Finish your toast?

Men: If you answered yes to each of those questions, I’m afraid you are a lousy lover and the Easytoplease Computing Dating Agency is unable to help you.

Women: If you answered yes to each of those questions, I’m afraid you are a lousy lover and the Easytoplease Computing Dating Agency is unable to help you.

However,if you two ever get together would you mind if Easytoplease Computing Dating Agency came along to watch?

That Was the Year That Was

So farewell then, 2013. Two years ago I wrote on this here blog that 2012 would be a year of change for the Auld Reekie Ranter. And so it proved. 2013 has been another significant year. Here are my highlights – and some lowlights…

The Good Times:

Getting engaged to the lovely Marion at Loch Lomond in July. I know the ink on my divorce papers was barely dry when I proposed but she has given me so much support and made me a happy chappy (but don’t tell her I said so…)

Daughter Michaela announcing she is expecting her first child in April. Of course, I’m thrilled and it’s something we’re all looking forward to. Number one child for Michaela; grandchild number four for the Auld Reekie Ranter. My family is fast turning into the bloody Waltons…

Meeting the Hearts legend that is Rudi Skacel and his girlfriend in Edinburgh in August. Eva is hoping to write Rudi’s life story and I was humbled she asked me for some advice. Star struck was the phrase that sprang to mind – but Rudi got over it…

Selling the former family home in Dalkeith in March. We didn’t quite get the asking price but a quick sale was necessary. This was soon followed by my divorce in May. The end of an era.

Marion meeting daughters Laura and Michaela and grandchildren Jack, Hannah and Ava. Apprehension was understandably in the air but all the occasions went well. Marion and I spent Christmas Day at Laura’s and a great day marked a fine end to the year.

My mother moving to Leith in August. It’s good to know she’s now just a few minutes away. With my mother and I both living in Leith and Michaela’s partner Sean being of the Hibernian persuasion – meaning if the baby is a boy he’ll be dragged to Easter Road for the football – there is a school of thought which suggests I’m crossing the great divide. Fear not – I’m a Jambo for life.

My book Hearts 50 Greatest Games continuing to sell. Sadly, it might be some time until the next 50 is written about…

The Not So Good Times:

Both my mother and Ava breaking their arms in separate incidents in the second half of the year. Because she is so young, Ava recovered in no time at all. However, my mother’s break is taking some time to heal and it’s an on-going process.

Hearts losing the League Cup final to St. Mirren at Hampden in March. A driech, miserable afternoon and a long train journey back was scarcely much fun for Marion and I. Hearts went into administration in the summer meaning a 15 point deduction for this season – and almost certain relegation. A 7-0 tanking from Celtic in the Scottish Cup didn’t help either.

My Uncle Jack died in Aberdeen at the beginning of the year. Although I had not seen him in years, I still remember him with some fondness. Marion’s elderly aunt also died a month before Christmas.

Best Gig:

Eclectic is probably the best way to describe the gigs/concerts Marion and I attended this year. From Donny & Marie Osmond in Glasgow in February to The Osmond Brothers, The Selector, Billy Bragg, Colm Wilkinson and Caro Emerald, they were all pretty good. And I fulfilled a life-long wish by seeing Paul Weller perform live at Edinburgh Castle in July (I never thought I would ever see the great man sing That’s Entertainment in the flesh) However, my vote for gig of the year goes to Bad Manners in Edinburgh a few days before Christmas. Ska music as its best!

Edinburgh Fringe:

This year we saw comedians Craig Hill and Reginald D Hunter as well as the magician Paul Zerdin. They were all excellent.

Musical (not so) Youth:

Oliver, Dirty Dancing and White Christmas were enjoyable in varying degrees. I’ve never been a huge fan of musicals but Marion is slowly converting me…

The Year Ahead:

So another eventful year draws to a close. 2014 promises to be a landmark year for Scotland. The Independence Referendum; the Commonwealth Games; the Ryder Cup. The spotlight of the world will shine on our country frequently next year. For the Auld Reekie Ranter, 2014 also promises much in the way of change – mostly positive as I intend to take charge of my life. Some things simply can’t continue as they are but with the love and support of the lovely Marion, I’m confident I shall be able to make the changes which will make a real difference.

Happy New Year, folks. Here’s to a truly momentous 2014.

 

A Seasonal Greet

 Gie us a cuddle, Jack - it's Christmas. No, Papa - I'm too old for this now...

 

  

 Gie us a cuddle, Hannah - it's Christmas. Here I am, Papa!

Sky Blue Thinking?

I posted a wee while back about my disillusionment with Virgin Media and how they didn't seem perturbed when the lovely Marion (thereafter referred on this blog as The Guv'nr) decided to change our cable television, Internet and telephone provider. After a wee bit of research, the Sky TV deals seemed particularly attractive and we changed provider about a month ago.

So far, so good as far as Sky are concerned. We opted initially for the basic tv package but found that despite the dozens of channels available, it would be beneficial to pay £5 extra each month for a much greater choice. Thus, we decided during the week to go for Sky Entertainment.

Now, The Guv'nr and I have not been blessed with much luck recently when it comes to new technology. Our new 'smart' tv wasn't smart enough to pick up our Wi-Fi connection when we purchased it last summer and the smart mobile phone I purchased towards the end of last year - admittedly at the lower end of the scale - wasn't so much smart as clueless (it confirmed to me the old adage of you get what you pay for as being absolutely true)

It was with this in mind that The Guv'nr and I decided, with some trepidation, to upgrade our Sky TV package. We opted for the sadly all too common form of communication to enable this action - we did it on line (remember the days when people actually spoke to each other?) However, our fears were completely unfounded. Seconds after clicking the mouse to confirm we accepted the terms and conditions, Sky Entertainment was on our not so smart television screen. As easy as clicking the mouse.

Which, as Virgin Media may wish to note, is how it should be

Storing up Trouble

When I moved away from Dalkeith last year, most of my worldly goods were packed into black backs and transported to my new abode on a gradual basis. So many things accumulate over the years and it's quite staggering to come across old forgotten items which were bought on a whim with the idea being 'that will come in handy some day'. It seldom does, of course, and it was small wonder the loft of my old house was creaking with the weight of such junk over the years.

Even today, having moved all my stuff out and having sold the house, there are things of mine now ensconced in my daughter's loft. What would be ideal, of course, would be somewhere to store such things - somewhere easily accessible, safe and secure.

I'm sure my beloved elder daughter will be talking to me about my rubbish valuables now taking up space in her loft. The trouble is, I've already forgotten much of what is there - and in my new abode in Leith, I don't have a loft.

What's that? Why don't I just throw these things out? Well, that's a consideration. However, when I do eventually get round to looking at them again, I have a strong suspicion I'll be keeping such and such for sentimental reasons; and, I can't really throw this out because it reminds me of; oh, and I simply can't chuck this....

Which begs the obvious question - if they aren't going to be thrown out, what are they doing in my daughter's loft in the first place?

Answers on a postcard, please. Which I'll store in my daughter's loft...