Park and Grind

Now, I've ranted on here about Midlothian Council before. And, doubtless I'll do it again. But the Park and Ride facility at Sheriffhall - which genius in the Big Pink Hoose in Dalkeith thought of that?

To be fair, the concept is a good one. The daily grind that is commuting to the centre of Edinburgh would test the patience of a saint. So having a facility where you can park your car on the outskirts of the city and use regular public transport to complete your journey seems sound. Less traffic in the city centre, no need to worry about parking fines - the Park and Ride site is free - and less traffic congestion. Excellent. Except for the bit where the Council planners get involved...

Now, one of Edinburgh's main traffic bottlenecks is the infamous Sheriffhall roundabout. During the rush hour you can sit in queues of traffic there for up to half an hour. Doesn't sound too horrific in this day and age but when you sit for that length of time there and back that's an hour of your day. Almost every day. A Park and Ride site would surely ease this congestion. It probably would. But Midlothian Council, in their wisdom, have built the facility someway past the Sheriffhall roundabout - meaning commuters from Midlothian to Edinburgh still have to sit in seemingly endless queues of traffic.

The most logical idea would surely be to have had the park and ride on the Midlothian side of the by-pass - before you head for the notorious roundabout. Less cars, smaller queues, and you get an hour of your life back every day. But then again, logic doesn't sit easily alongside the words Midlothian Council - take a look at the latest location for yet another set of traffic lights in Dalkeith.

I really hope the new Park and Ride facility works. But, unless it's moved, I fear it won't be the huge success the council bigwigs think it will be. Particularly as it seems no one has explained the concept to First Bus - the 7.40 number 86 service to Edinburgh didn't show up this morning. Again...

Til Death Us Do Part

The story about a woman who laced a cake with rat poison and gave it to her husband reminded me of a story from a few years ago when I was in Tenerife with my wife.

For the first three nights we walked along the beach front, passing the endless row of restaurants where men of dubious honour would prowl outside trying to seduce passers by to try their food. There was one particular restaurant where the 'prowler' was quite insistent, to the point he was becoming a pain in the rear. On the fourth night, however, Mrs Smith clung, like grim death, to a fruit machine in an amusement arcade and I opted for a stroll on my own. Sure enough the Spanish prowler approached me.

'Ola, my Scottish friend! Where is your wife? Have you killed her?!'

I looked at him with glazed eyes and, chewing my lip, fought back the tears. He could see I was upset.

'What ees wrong my friend?'

'You have offended me with that comment' I replied.

'How so?'

'That woman is my third wife - my first two wives died in tragic circumstances'

'Oh, my friend' said a now concerned Spaniard, 'I am so sorry. What happened?'

'Well,' I began, 'my first wife died of food poisoning. She ate some poisoned mushrooms. There was no hope - she was dead within hours' I shook my head.

'Oh my friend - I am really sorry. And what about your second wife?'

I gave him a pitiful look. 'She died after receiving a severe blow to the head'

His jaw dropped as he tried to find the words 'Oh no! How did that happen?'

I went over and put my hand on his shoulder. 'She wouldn't eat the mushrooms...'

Happy Birthday The Modfather

Some of my rants have had a theme of growing older (dis)gracefully and how the older I get the grumpier and more irritable I seem to be (my two daughters will testify to that!) And today is one of these days when, yet again, I feel my age with the news that Paul Weller is 50 years old today.

The original angry young man of the punk era of the late 1970s is no longer young and quite possibly no longer angry (unlike some of us from that era) Weller first came to national attention in 1977 with The Jam, which he had formed four years earlier in Woking with his friends Steve Brookes (lead guitar), Rick Buckler (drums) and Bruce Foxton (rhythm guitar). Weller himself took lead vocal duties and bass guitar. When Brookes left the band, Weller and Foxton swapped guitar roles.

The Jam's single "In the City" took them into the UK Top 40 for the first time in May 1977. Although every subsequent single had a placing within the Top 40, it would not be until the band released "The Eton Rifles" that they broke into the Top 10, hitting the No. 3 spot in November 1979.

From then on their blend of pop melodies and politically conscious lyrics made them hugely popular, and in 1980 they hit number one for the first time with "Going Underground". Legend has it that hitting the charts at all was in fact an accident for "Going Underground": it was supposed to be a double A side with "Dreams of Children", but a mistake at a French pressing plant meant "Going Underground" was given 'A' status on the label. Whether this is true or apocryphal is not known, but whatever the case, after "Going Underground", The Jam - and Weller in particular - were UK superstars.

Weller was strongly influenced by 1960s bands such as The Kinks, The Small Faces and The Who. However, that did not mean that he was averse to finding inspiration in the works of many other artists. For example, The Jam's second number one single, "Start!" lifts the bass line from The Beatles' "Taxman", while the chord progression of "It's Too Bad" from All Mod Cons is heavily based on "She Loves You". The group's third chart topper, "Town Called Malice", which has a bass line taken straight from one of Martha Reeves & the Vandellas' less-remembered hits, "I'm Ready for Love."

By the early 1980s, The Jam had become one of the biggest bands in Britain. They became the only band other than The Beatles to perform two songs ("Town Called Malice" and "Precious") on one edition of Top of the Pops (the feat would later also be equalled by Oasis and Manic Street Preachers). The Jam even had one single, "That's Entertainment", reach No. 21 in the UK singles chart despite not even being released in that country - it got there purely on the strength of the huge number of people buying import sales of the German single release. Weller, however, was eager to explore other musical avenues he felt he could not follow with The Jam. Later Jam songs such as "The Bitterest Pill (I Ever Had to Swallow)" - often described by critics as "a Style Council song pretending to be a Jam song" - were written in a more melodic, soulful style.

In 1982, Weller announced that The Jam would disband at the end of the year. Their final single, "Beat Surrender", became their fourth UK chart topper, going straight to No. 1 in its first week, which was still a rare achievement at the time. Their farewell concerts at Wembley Arena were multiple sell-outs. Their final concert took place at the Brighton Centre on the December 11, 1982.

Like thousands of others, my early adult life was influenced by the music of Weller. I was never particularly keen on The Style Council, Weller's successor to The Jam and it wasn't until Weller went solo some years later that I began listen to his new compositions again.

Happy 50th Birthday Paul Weller - it isn't the bitterest pill you've had to swallow!

Diversity

The organisation I work for is part of a group that has its head office in England. I recently received an e-mailed memo about diversity and the pitfalls of talking to groups of employees. An excerpt of this memo is below:

It is also important to be aware of your body language. Some cultures are very formal and do not appreciate animated gestures and smiles. Gestures that are acceptable in one culture may be considered rude in another, for example a ‘thumbs up’ sign means ‘I’m OK’ or ‘everything is great’ in the UK but is an extreme insult in Iraq. Similarly, some cultures regard strong eye contact as a sign of honesty and credibility, while others find it arrogant. Audience participation is something to bear in mind as well – some audiences are willing to engage with the speaker, while others prefer the opposite. A British audience may nod their heads to show understanding, while a Japanese audience may listen with their eyes closed until the end. Doing a little background research will help to ensure that these reactions do not faze you.

This is part of the political correctness that has enforced itself on this country. I remember six months ago a school in Edinburgh deciding not to hold a Nativity play for fear of offending non Christians. I've read other stories such as the office where staff are banned from displaying Happy 40th/50th/60th birthday banners for colleagues as this is ageist; a coffee shop telling customers they could have coffee with milk or coffee without milk as saying black or white coffee could be deemed racist; and an organisation banning the term 'brainstorm' as this may upset people who are epileptic.

I do think, at times, I'm getting too old to work in the HR profession.

Old Money

At the office the other day I was checking over an invoice from our advertising agency and noted the usual one per cent production charge. This particular job advert was not placed in the usual national newspapers but in the local 'rag' and therefore was a fraction of the usual cost, at just £33. The production charge was, therefore, £0.03. Displaying my grandfather status I remarked that once upon a time you could go to the corner shop and buy three penny chews for 'thruppence'

This drew looks of bemusement from my younger colleagues.

'Old money' I went on, 'pre-decimalisation'

'You what, Granddad?'

Most of my colleagues had never heard of 'old money' and the situation was compounded when a senior manager came in shortly afterwards and said 'Ah, yes, I remember LSD' The young 'uns immediately inferred I had been talking or perhaps had been dabbling during my lunch break in drugs before I struggled to put them straight. 'No, no, shillings, sixpences, ha'pennies - they were British currency before February 1971' The looks of bemusement changed to looks of pity and a shake of the head or two.

I was only nine years old in 1971 but I well remember the confusion and indeed trepidation among my mother and her ilk at the thought of the change in monetary system in this country. Shopkeepers - we had them in the early 1970s before the likes of Tesco began their world domination plan - had to change their tills, banks were on hand to explain the new system to the confused public and a quite unsettling period ensued. But, being British - well, Scottish - we soon got used to the idea although the demise of the ten bob note - fifty pence - was quite sad.

As is the increasing amount of pity being shown to me by my so called colleagues.

Call Centre Conversations

I've been told these are genuine - and I've no reason to doubt it...

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling
in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.


This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organisation for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (I can see why these conversations are recorded...)

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing?'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Face Like Thunder

Enforced smiling in the workplace puts health at risk

Smiling too much at work can seriously damage your health, German scientists have claimed. Researchers at a university in Germany - where the right to be surly is almost a national pastime - now claim enforced jolliness on the job is much more likely to make people fall ill.

Researchers said 'professional smilers', such as flight attendants, sales personnel, call centre operators, waiters, and others in contact with the public for extended periods of time, were at risk of seriously harming their health.

Speaking at the end of the two-year study, Professor Dieter Zapf, a researcher into human emotions who led psychologists at Frankfurt University, said that fake friendliness led to depression, stress, and a lowering of the immune system.

This in turn can trigger more serious ailments, such as high blood pressure and other cardiovascular problems, he claimed.

"Every time a person is forced to repress his true feelings, there are negative consequences for his health," Zapf added.

Taken from Personnel Today

Now I have a perfect excuse for going into work tomorrow with a face like thunder...