Life Before the Computer...

Memory was something you lost with age,

An application was for employment,

A programme was a show on TV,

A cursor was someone who swears a lot,

A keyboard was a piano,

A web was a spiders home,

A virus was the flu, (manflu that is)

A hard drive was a long trip down the motorway,

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,

And if you had a 3-inch floppy .....










well you just hoped and prayed no b*****d found out!

Bat out of Hell

Thanks to my good friend Peggy for the photo - it's a belter!

FLM Loans...

My youngest daughter Michaela took out a personal loan last year in order to pay for her new car. Like, I suspect, many fathers across the country I agreed to be the guarantor. Michaela has made all her payments on time - she gets paid on 28th of each month and the loan repayment is due on 29th of each month. Until August  - when FLMLoans.co.uk thought they would be smart and try and deduct the amount due two days early. With insufficient funds in my daughter's bank account - being the day before payday - inevitably FLMLoans found that pushing their luck had failed. Cue two text messages from them to me today - and an email which I have reproduced below - along with my reply.

May I respectfully suggest, dear reader, if you are considering taking out a personal loan you give FLMLoans a wide berth. I've known loan sharks who are less threatening...


------------------------------------------------------------

From: tom@flmloans.co.uk

To: may1998@talk21.com

Date: Wed, 1 Sep 2010 16:46:44 +0100

Subject: Thought you might like to know...

Agreement - *********

Hi Michael George,

I’m confused. Your debit card isn’t working for August's payment as promised.

I've given your case to Kathryn on my Team. They'll call and text you until we've received the money. This is because we promised to keep you in the loop and we always keep our promises. They'll also write to you if they have to.

I'll email you too. This is because I want you to make the right choice and stick to your promise to pay your loan back on time. You can stop all of this before it starts by clicking here; updating your details and paying the £151.19.

Thanks in advance

Tom @ FLM

P.S. You can call our automated payment robot 24/7 to make a payment too on ***********

FLM is a trading name of Financial Processing UK Ltd.Register in the UK, number 4841153.

Registered Address: Walton House, 56 - 58 Richmond Hill, Bournemouth BH2 6EX.

Registered with the Information Commissioners Office Z8738456.

Consumer Credit License Number 557709

===================================================================

Hello Tom

Sorry for the rather informal address but as you didn't bother to provide your surname I have little choice. In fact you didn't give your job title either so I have no idea who you are. It's fair to say I'm rather underwhelmed by your lack of professionalism.

I am the guarantor for my daughter Michaela Smith's personal loan with your company. Having spoken to my daughter about this she advises that the agreement she has with you is that her payment is taken from her bank account on the 29th of each month. For August you clearly thought it a good idea to try and deduct this on 27th - which is the day before my daughter's salary enters her bank account. Yes, this was a bank holiday weekend but a quick look at the calendar tells me Monday was 30 August.

You sent your email to me at 5.15pm today. This followed two text messages from your colleague Kathryn - again, no surname or job title but this appears the way your company does its business. When you sent your email this was several hours after the money due was deducted from my daughter's bank account.

I find the actions of you and your colleague threatening and bordering on harassment - particularly when you apparently didn't bother to contact my daughter whose account the payments are being deducted from. This is the first payment that has been late since my daughter began the loan repayments last year - and this is through no fault of hers - or mine - as you decided to try and deduct the amount due two days early which is clearly against the agreement my daughter signed.

You should now have received payment and therefore I expect tardy communication such as those I have received today to cease. Further, I would hope to receive a full apology but I don't expect you will even consider this.

What I am considering, however, is reporting you and your company to the Financial Ombudsman for your bullying tactics.

I await your response.


Mike Smith

The Joke-O-Motive

I was at the Tim Vine show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival last night. The Punmeister was on top form as usual although he did seem narked by someone in the audience who thought it smart to film him. Vine had a new array of gags which I won't repeat here (go and see his show before it ends this weekend!) but below is a selection of some of his material from previous gigs:

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . . . dicing with death!


Albinos - you can't say fairer than that.


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'


So I said to this train driver: 'I want to go to Paris.' He said: 'Eurostar?' I said: 'I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.'


Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.


I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'


A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
Black Beauty - he's a dark horse.


I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle


I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'


So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'


This bloke says to me: 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought: 'That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness.'

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.


I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags - he's bisatchel.


So I went down the local supermarket. I said: 'I want to make a complaint - this vinegar's got lumps in it.' He said: 'Those are pickled onions.'


I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I used go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl.


During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling. He got hit by a Doodlebug.


I've got a front door made from sponge. Don't knock it.


I've played football on a plane, you know . . . there I was, running up the wing!


I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.' 'I'm not gambling,' I said. 'The steaks are too high.'


I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift.


Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors.


I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back.'


So I went down my local icecream shop and said: 'I want to buy an icecream.' He said: 'Hundreds and thousands?' I said: 'We'll start with the one.'


When I left home, my mum said: 'Don't forget to write.' I thought: 'That's unlikely - it's a basic skill, isn't it?'


Velcro . . . what a ripoff.


I went to the record shop and I said: 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket...'


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said 'parking fine'. So that was nice.


I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula's house . . . I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.


When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

It's an Education

My five year old grandson Jack started school today for the first time. It's the first of what will hopefully be many momentous days in his life. First day at primary school, first day at secondary school, leaving school, falling in love, leaving home, getting married, raising children...

Of course he may decide not to get married or raise children and he will make his own decisions as he grows older. Such is life. It only seems a short time ago I was taking a photograph of Jack's mother going to school for the first time in August 1991. Who knows what life has in store for the wee fella - what I do know is he won't go without love and guidance from his family. And, no doubt, cash from his Papa.

Actually, today was the second momentous day in young Jack's life thus far. Nine days ago I took him to Tynecastle Stadium in Edinburgh for his first ever Hearts game. Watching Hearts and going to school within a matter of days. At five years old, wee Jack is already finding out that life isn't always a bed of roses. As his pose above perhaps indicates...

The Sharing of Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Clearly, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered...... (Continue below)






































 'THE TEETH.'

You're the Best Thing

Paul Weller in one of his more mellow moods.