Tuesday, 30 December 2014

That Was The Year That Was

So farewell then, 2014. And I have to say I won’t be disappointed to see the back of it.  It’s not been the best of years for the Ranter for a number of reasons. Here are my highlights – and some lowlights…

The Good Times:
The lovely Marion who has been my rock these last few difficult months. She is the love of my life and I simply could not live without her. And her home-made soup is to die for (some say literally, but not me, oh no…)

Arranging my wedding to Marion on 14 February 2015 has been the main priority this year. Less than seven weeks to go now and the nerves are already jangling. We are almost there – but I need to work on my speech…Marion means so much to me and, as The Proclaimers sang so memorably, ‘it’s just a piece of paper but it says I love you’. She has transformed my life for the better and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Daughter Michaela giving birth to her first child. Max was born on 5 March and was six weeks premature. He was in a special unit for the first few days of his life and these were worrying times for the whole family. However, he is now as strong as an ox. Max is grandchild number four for the Auld Reekie Ranter. My family is fast turning into the bloody Waltons but I’m proud of each and every one of them.

Michaela also got engaged to her partner Sean in November. Fiftysomethings like me will recall the days when couples got engaged first, then got married and left home and then had children. The modern trend seems to be to do this in reverse! Michaela has endured some tough times in her young life so I’m grateful to Sean for making her so happy. Sean is a fellow of the Hibernian persuasion but, hey, you can’t have everything…Their wedding is set for May 2016 – around cup final day but that won’t trouble Sean’s team…

Watching my other grandchildren Jack (9), Hannah (7) and Ava (4) develop into such wonderful, loving children. No matter what goes on in my life they always give me such a great welcome and their unconditional love is something I treasure. They are a credit to my elder daughter Laura who has done such a fantastic job in bringing them up. I’m proud of her too although I don’t tell her this as much as I should.

Away from family – and on to football. Hearts turning 2014 into a year of two halves. The first six months were awful – losing the League Cup semi-final to nine man Inverness Caledonian Thistle at Easter Road on the second day of February; relegation from the top flight of Scottish football meaning Hearts would be playing in the second tier for the first time in over 30 years; the painful departure of coach Gary Locke (a died in the wool Jambo) and players such as goalkeeper Jamie MacDonald who served the club so well. The second half of the year saw Hearts with a new owner – Ann Budge who has brought integrity back to Tynecastle; a new Head Coach, Robbie Neilson and a new young and vibrant team and a playing style now based on passing the ball rather than lumping it up the park. Hearts ended the calendar year 15 points ahead at the top of the SPFL Championship – optimism has returned to the Maroon Army.

My book Hearts 50 Greatest Games continuing to sell. It’s still available in all good bookshops…

The Not So Good Times:

Where to start. The start of the year saw Michaela struggle with her pregnancy and my mother having health problems. Both had short spells in hospital. An attempt by Marion and I to get away from it all with a wee trip to Liverpool for a few days in February was met with a hurricane on Merseyside which curtailed our activities.

With workload at the office mounting, granddaughter Ava breaking her arm and tension all around, I reached breaking point in the early summer. In May I was signed off work with stress/depression. I was off for 10 weeks all told and these were difficult times. My lowest point came in June and I just couldn’t see any way forward. All sorts of thoughts entered my mind.  However, with Marion’s help, I did drag myself back from the abyss and returned to work at the end of July. Professional counselling has helped. Things are still difficult on so many fronts but I’m more focussed now on what I need to do.

My dear old mother continues to have problems, not only with her health but with utility companies who seem to be trying their level best to make her life difficult. We have done battle this year with BT, Scottish Gas and the Television Licence people, all of whom have struggled with the relatively straightforward concept of my mother’s address. I have threatened to go to the relevant ombudsman on more than one occasion. Life shouldn’t be this difficult.

Marion’s aunty, who I have a special affection for, was diagnosed with a serious illness towards the end of the year. Although she’s in her early eighties, her spirit is remarkably strong and her humorous, positive approach to life makes me feel so humble.

2014 was, of course, the year of Scotland’s Independence Referendum. A huge number of people went to the polls on September 18th. Sadly, after the Westminster establishment panicked and sent Messrs Cameron, Clegg and Miliband to Scotland as the opinion polls swung marginally to a Yes vote, the majority of Scots swallowed the London government’s ‘vow’ (with more than a little help from former PM Gordon Brown) and voted to remain ‘Better Together’. Within days, many regretted their actions. It may be some time before Scotland gets another chance like this.

Best Gig:

It’s been another great year for gigs, particularly in the second half of the year. Marion and I took in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (see below) and we spent much of the year going to gigs in Glasgow. We began the year by seeing The Beat in Edinburgh in February. In October we saw the wonderful Carol Emerald at the Hydro in Glasgow; at the end of November we went to a gig I never thought I would get the chance to see – the legends that are The Who, also at the Hydro in Glasgow. There may only be Roger Daltry and Pete Townshend left from the original line up but they are still worth seeing. We returned to the Hydro a week before Christmas to see the masters of ska music - Madness – another magnificent occasion. The best gig of 2014, though, was the now traditional Christmas visit of Bad Manners to Edinburgh. The atmosphere at the Citrus Club was a real party one as Buster Bloodvessel and co belted out the old ska classics. Brilliant.

A wee mention, too, for Colin Cloud, Forensic Mind Reader who we saw at Edinburgh’s Dynamic Earth in April. He is a gifted performer and if you get the chance to see him I urge you to take it.

Edinburgh Fringe:

This year we saw the legend that is Barry Cryer along with his I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue companion (at the piano) Colin Sell, comedians Tim Vine, Kevin Day and the I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue host Jack Dee. Jack’s team asked the audience for some questions as they queued to get in – the show was called Jack Dee’s Problem Page. I wrote that I wondered who the funniest comedian was at the Edinburgh Fringe and immediately thought of Jack Dee – perhaps he knew who it was. In fairness to Jack, he read out my message and gave me a name check (my brief flirtation with fame!)

Musical (not so) Youth:

Marion’s mission to convert me to the joys of musicals continues. Only the one this year though – Let It Be, The Story of The Beatles at the Edinburgh Playhouse in June. Sadly, I wasn’t overly impressed.

The Year Ahead:

So another eventful year draws to a close. It’s been a difficult one and, as I said at the beginning, I won’t be sorry to see it end. However, I am looking forward to 2015 and marrying the girl of my dreams, making some real positive changes to my professional life and hopefully seeing Hearts get promoted.

Happy New Year, folks. Here’s to a happy 2015 – it surely can’t be as bad as 2014!


Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Happy Christmas


From four little devils angels...and the Auld Reekie Ranter. The blog will be back on a far more regular basis next year.

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Letters of Complaint to the Council

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father broke his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8... Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17...Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Flawless Male Logic as its best :



Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: 
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: 
£3

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 30 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at £270.
In one year, it would be approximately £3,240 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend £3,240 not accounting for
inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending
at £97,200 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 30 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your bloody Ferrari 
then?
 

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Mind Your Language, Plze. Ty.


Today's society does like to use acronyms in everyday language. In an age of instant communication there seems to be an almost over-bearing laissez-faire attitude to the use of the English language. Perhaps it's yet another sign of my aging process but I received an email from someone the other day which they ended with TY and their name. Folk of my daughters age do not hesitate to tell me this is 'shorthand' for Thank You. Now you may think I'm being old fashioned here but this irritated me greatly. Any appreciation I may have had for this person showing a molecule of gratitude disappeared when I realised they couldn't be bothered to type the words 'thank you'.

Among the many banal comments on the social networking site Facebook, the tendency for people to type omg seems to be growing. Some people use it twice as in 'omg omg I can't believe what's happening in the X Factor.' Now to me  - and I suspect I'm not alone - this may well as well be a foreign language. My younger daughter Michaela tells me omg is an acronym for Oh My God. This appears to be yet another Americanism to have crossed the pond to our shores and is another that irritates me greatly.

Not so long ago when someone told you good news, you might expect to say "congratulations". This would be the polite way to react if, for an example, someone said that she was going to have a baby. Now it seems not only acceptable but a requirement of young people to shriek 'Oh My God!!!'  

Although the phrase has the word "God" in it, it has now become so frequently used that most people don't associate it with religion. This means people use it whether they're religious or not. Now, I'm not a religious person by any manner of means but the use of the word God in everyday language with it not having any religious meaning is another abuse of the English language. For which I blame the Americans...

Add to this the fact that most towns and cities in Scotland now have their Christmas lights adorning their High streets - six weeks before Christmas - and you may appreciate why a part of me yearns for years gone by. I write this rant after a hard day at the office, having consciously avoided heading towards the thronging masses of Edinburgh's Princes Street. Some people Leith already have their Christmas trees up and lights blazing in their windows – I kid you not, dear reader. We have not yet reached the halfway point in November. How many of those so eager to scream Happy Christmas from their houses will actually go to church services on Christmas Eve? In fact, how many go to church at all? It seems to me that many people are not celebrating the birth of Christ but the time of the year when they can spend money they haven't got, scoff food that isn't particularly good for them and guzzle copious amounts of alcohol which will inevitably lead to unacceptable and in some cases embarrassing behaviour.

I know this will come across as yet another rant from a grumpy old man. And it is. Or as my daughters may put it on Facebook 'OMG, Dad is in one of his moods again. Hope I don't c him b4 I go Xmas shopping. LOL'

But if anyone out there has a degree of sympathy for me, I would like to say thank you. Or, in today's language TY......

Back to School 2022

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