Sunday, 27 June 2010

Women and the Menopause - A Guide for Men

Doctors are a step closer to accurately predicting the age at which a woman will hit the menopause. A 12-year Iranian study of 266 women found it was possible to pinpoint the age of menopause by measuring levels of a hormone called AMH. If proven in further studies, it potentially means women could have more control over when to start a family. It could be particularly useful for identifying women who may have an early menopause, experts said.

From the BBC News Website

Hmm. It's taken Iranian researchers twelve years to come up with this. They could have saved a great deal of time by simply asking any fella who has a female partner. I would wager the majority of them would come up with the following - not in twelve years but twelve minutes...

Hot Flushes - You come home from work one chilly day in December, and are greeted at the front door with your wife wearing nothing but a smile. You later find out that all the windows have been welded open and that she has sold your home heating system on e-bay.

Mood Swings - You jokingly remark that it is okay, and that you do not need to worry about the windows or the heating system, as you will buy a small wood stove for when she is out, but that for the majority of the time, when home, you can use her body to heat the family room this winter. Rather than her just saying that she is not amused, she shoots you in the groin. She feels no remorse as you come out of recovery.

Irritability - You come home from work after a long and difficult day. Despite this, you cheerfully say, "Hello darling, I'm home." and your wife's reply is, "Well, if it isn't the f**king waste of space I married all those years ago. I'm so glad you could make it home for supper you useless piece of s**t. Your dinner is in the dog..."

Antagonism - The drier has shrunk every last pair of your jeans, your golf balls have cut marks in them, the remote control has every buttoned programmed to the shopping channel, and she is encouraging you to find some 22 year old to have an affair with so that you leave her ******* alone.

Sleeplessness - She constantly digs you in the ribs in the wee small hours to ask if you're awake. And doesn't appreciate your advice to sleep on the edge of the bed - you'll soon drop off...

Fatigue - You spend the better part of the time that used to be spent making passionate love, picking guacamole out of her hair after a Mexican dinner.

Mild Incontinence - She changes her underwear after every sneeze.

Sudden Weight Gain - You need the Fire and Rescue Service to get her out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant. But you don't dare mention how inconvenient this is...

And, by far the easiest way to tell if your wife/partner is experiencing the menopause...

You find yourself uncontrollably agreeing with just about everything she says.


Madame DeFarge said...

I suspect I may be entering an early menopause, as I have shown this to my husband and he has (tragically) agreed with all of it. But then, he is trying to watch the football.

Mike Smith said...

Welcome, Madame. If your hubby is English I suspect he probably wished he hadn't bothered!

miruspeg said...

Mike I am popping over to say goodbye and what an appropriate funny post to bid you farewell.
We women can be quite a handful at times can't we!

I am travelling to the USA and Norway and be away for 6 weeks. If I am able to I will pop in from time to time and say good'ay.

Take care mate
Big hugs
Peggy xxxx

Mike Smith said...

Have a great time, Peggy. Norway is only a couple of hours flying time from Scotland so if you have time to spare give me a shout!