Talking Americans

In the Monty Python film, The Meaning of Life, 'Death' interrupts a dinner party.

Grim Reaper: Silence! I… have… come… for… you.

Angela: You mean… to…?

Grim Reaper: Take you… away. That is my purpose. I… am… Death.

Geoffrey: Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?

Howard Katzenberg: I don't see it that way, Geoff. Let me tell you what we're dealing with here. A potentially positive learning experience that can—

Grim Reaper: SHUT UP! Shut up, you American! You always talk, you Americans. You talk, and you talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this". Well, you're dead now, so shut up!

Howard Katzenberg: Dead?

Grim Reaper: Dead!

One of the funniest scenes from, ironically, one of the Python's less amusing offerings. And I still refer my two daughters to it as they gaze at the television in awe of the latest US comedy import which has as much impact on me as a visit to the dentist (incidentally, if my dentist should stumble across this, I will pay that bill on my next visit. Honest, guv. I like to keep him sweet for obvious reasons but he's an ex trade union official and I'm always wary that when he checks my teeth it's a case of one out all out...But I digress)

Take the US 'sitcom' Friends for instance. I wish someone would. They stopped making this programme years ago but in the UK, Channel Four still broadcast endless repeats with the studio audience hooting and hollaring at nearly every utterance. My two girls watch agog while I stand and try to figure out what is amusing. There's a spin-off from Friends called Joey - I watched this for ten minutes recently and, honestly, I've had more laughs at a funeral.

The countless digital and satellite channels have hour after hour of American sitcoms. Few, if any, are even mildly amusing. The exception being The Simpsons. I'll give you that one. But it seems to me Britain is fast becoming another state of the USA - if Americans think something is funny then it must be. It's another example of the Americanisation of this country.

When I was a lad we spoke about going to see a film. Now, it's 'checking out a movie'. McDonalds, as in every other country around the world, are everywhere - 'do you want regular fries or would you like to go large?' No, just give me some fecking chips. Even sports coverage in this country extends to American football, baseball and basketball. The seemingly endless commercials on television and radio quite often have an American accent urging you to buy this product now. And the extraordinary media coverage in the UK given to the elections across the pond drives me to despair. I don't honestly give a monkey's who replaces George W. Bush as President - just as long as someone does.

Now, I have a very good friend from USA who is one of the loveliest people I know (although Seattle is more or less Canadian which makes June very nearly a citizen of the British Commonwealth...) and I have nothing against our cousins across the water. But Scotland is slowly turning into an American annexe and I, for one, want things left the way they are. That's not being anti-American. Just pro-Scots. And as if to underline this point the Grim Reaper in The Meaning of Life carries on...

Geoffrey: Now, look here! You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and— [With a bony finger, the Grim Repear pokes Geoffrey in the eye.]

Geoffrey: Ah! Oh.

Grim Reaper: Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so f*cking pompous. None of you have got any balls at all....

Now don't get me started on the English...