Zimbawbe Election Latest

Outside a polling station in Harare...

Pollster: Excuse me,sir, are you going to be voting for Robert Mugabe?

Mr X: I don't think so. I won't be voting at all.

Pollster: I see. Let me re-phrase the question. Are you going to be voting for Robert Mugabe or would you prefer to be sliced into pieces and fed to ravenous dogs?

Mr X: Erm, I'll be voting for Robert Mugabe. In fact, I'm just going there now...

Pollster: Thank you. How about you, sir? Are you going to be voting for Robert Mugabe?

Mr Y: Certainly not!

Pollster: Okay. Perhaps I didn't make the question clear enough. Are you going to be voting for Robert Mugabe or would you prefer to have a large red hot poker inserted in your bottom?

Mr Y: Erm, I'll be giving Mr Mugabe my undying support.

Pollster: Thank you. Now, you sir - if I'm not mistaken you're not from Zimbawbe?

Mr Z: No, I'm originally from the Home Counties of England but I've lived in Zimbawbe since the days of good old Ian Smith when it was called Rhodesia.

Pollster: Quite. Will you be voting for Mr Mugabe?

Mr Z: I hardly think so.

Pollster: This is getting tiresome. Are you going to be voting for Robert Mugabe or would you prefer to be tied to a rack and beaten with leather whips?

Mr Z: To be tied to a rack and beaten with leather whips, thank you. I paid a fortune for this last week...

Pollster: Bloody English! I'll ask you the same question but with a different slant. Will you be voting for Robert Mugabe or would you prefer to have large needles rammed through your body and most private sections of your anatomy?

Mr Z: My Lord! I'd love to have large needles...

Pollster: Okay, okay. One final chance. Will you be voting for Robert Mugabe or would you prefer that I shoot you dead now with this rifle?

Mr Z: Er....Vote Mugabe?

Pollster: Thank you - sir.

Exit poll forecast: 100% swing (from a rope of those not voting Mugabe)