Why Should the Chicken Cross the Road?

Gordon Brown: I admit I may have made a mistake on the 10p in the pound issue but I believe I made the correct decision in advising the chicken to cross the road to Lloyds TSB. Otherwise it would have felt the full force of the collapse of HBOS. Opinion polls may give the chicken short-term support but the only poll that counts is the one for the general election. Unless the chicken is free-range and comes from Krakow…

George W. Bush: I have put a significant amount of taxpayer dollars on the line to ensure the chicken crosses the road in the interests of democracy. But I'm convinced that this bold approach will cost American families far less than the alternative. The fact there are significant oil reserves on the other side of the road has absolutely nothing to do with my decision. Yo!

David Cameron: We’ve made our position on this issue absolutely clear. If the chicken wishes to cross the road, it should cross at the pedestrian crossing where it is safe to do so. Unless there’s a political party leader cycling the wrong way down a one-way street and ignoring red lights…

Alex Salmond: There is absolutely no doubt the chicken would be far better off cross the road to independence. The benefits for the chicken and its chicks would be enormous with an independent Scotland free from the shackles of Westminster.

Boris Johnson: Cripes! I, er, should, er , warn the chicken that there is a history of chief-killing across the road with the chicken liable to be sacrificed. And beware of Jamie Oliver. In any case my wife is cooking chicken casserole tonight. Hmm!

Noel Edmonds: The banker is in belligerent mood and has offered the chicken £13,500 to stay where it is. The question the chicken has to answer is whether it should cross the road and gamble on whether there is £250,000 worth of chicken feed in that box over there. I can’t influence the chicken in any way but I would stress it does not need to use part of this money to go into the post office across the road and pay its television licence fee.

George Michael: I refused to cross the road for years but ever since I did I feel kind of liberated, you know? And the public conveniences over here are quite superb - what a line up. You even get help to zip you up before you go-go…

Sir Moir Lockhead: There is no danger of the chicken being run over by any of the First Bus fleet. If it crosses the road now it’s perfectly safe to do so. Despite the fact there is a bus due at this moment in time we don’t expect it to appear for at least another ten minutes, if at all…