Tis The Season (Christmas Rant No. 95)

Regular readers of my rants may have gathered I'm not a fan of this time of the year. Here are just some of the reasons why...

Christmas Cards

Nothing says "I don't really give a feck about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Far worse is the Christmas newsletter: "Hi, I can't be bothered to write each of you a personal letter, so here's a computer-printed newsletter to brief you on my boring year." And in this internet age, Christmas e-mail postcards. If anyone e-mails me a snowball this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork that will make their eyes water...

As an aside, I saw someone open an advent calendar from Woolworths on Monday. Sadly, all the windows were boarded up and there was nothing inside...

Christmas Shopping

The insanity begins shortly after Guy Fawkes Day, when anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from anything resembling a retail store. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in force every year. And there's no let-up until at least the second week of January, because even after Christmas, people return their shitty gifts (see below). And it's not as if the Christmas shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and store decorations as early as October. Which brings me to...

Early Christmas Shoppers

The only thing worse than the moron who waits until December 24 to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug bitch who has all her shopping done by July. That's not misogynist: It's always women who shop this far in advance. (Name three guys who have their shopping done before December.) Now, so as not to irk those (women) who conscientiously buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year, I am speaking here of the ones who can't resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping done before July." In other words: It's fine by me if they do it; I just don't want to hear it. Because it makes me want to divide such people into 17 asymmetrical pieces. So for those people, some advice: If the topic comes up ... lie. Claim that you're even farther behind on your shopping than the rest of us. That's the best gift you can give your friends.

Christmas Gifts

The whole giving-and-getting thing makes me sick. When you exchange gifts with someone, you feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you; you also feel bad if it's the reverse. "Wow, a DVD player! Er... thanks. I got you...a pair of gloves." You calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you're basically putting a price on your love. How much is Mom worth? £150? £200? How about your cousin? One great reason to stay away from romance is the agonising over what to get your boy/girlfriend that first Christmas. And what to get his/her parents, siblings, etc....And of course he/she (usually she) will say, "You don't have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together." This, let me tell you, is bullshit...

Christmas decorations

Why the hell are so many are so tacky? No one would ever stick a plastic blow up doll of a red fat man on the front lawn at any other time of the year. What is the point of Santa Claus anyway? Is he a substitute for Jesus? Or is he just an excellent marketing tool for retailers? Whatever the case, if a big fat man tried to enter most peoples' houses in the middle of the night, half the population would blow him away with the shot gun they keep stashed under the bed for such purposes. The other half would lock their doors and ring 999. The point is- we tell our children constantly to beware of strangers and intruders, then for one month of the year we demand they go sit on some fat man's lap and accept his offer of candy and gifts. And when he breaks into our house we leave him biscuits and milk.

And finally (for now)

I hate sanctimonious people - like myself - who cynically whine constantly about how Christmas is so consumer driven and everyone is selfish and the music is tacky etc etc. We seem to think we are the only ones who see the real truth behind the day.

Is it January yet?