So I Went into Town...

So I went to the baker where a sullen looking well-balanced woman - she appeared to have a chip on each shoulder - greeted me with a frown.

'Now?'

'Now is the time to get things right' I replied.

'What?'

'Now is the time we should unite. We don't need revolutions, we just need to open our eyes. Revolution is no solution - we ought to realise.

'Listen, son, 'ah've no got time to mess aboot - if ye dinnae want onything get oot ma shoap'

'Sorry - is that a donut or a meringue? Or was I right the first time?

At that, she 'escorted' me from the shop. The bruising should clear in a day or two. So I went to the butchers next door where he was standing against the radiator looking none too pleased to be there.

'Is that your Ayrshire bacon?' I asked.

'No' he replied, 'I'm just warming up my hands'

I said 'I'll bet you that piece of meat on the top shelf you've cracked that gag a hundred times before.'

He said 'I'm not taking the bet'

'Why not?'

'The steaks are too high...'


I first used these gags in 1979. They weren't particularly funny then but, as the years have rolled by....they're still not funny....