Do You Get My Drift?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

I heard on the news tonight that two ships collided. One had red paint, one had blue paint. The last report I heard, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my friend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realised there was no future in it....