Scots Wha Hae

Somewhere in England....

The Minister for Health - the Right Honourable Andy Burnham MP - is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

'Sorry to bother you, sir, at this hour but there is an emergency' gasps the exasperated caller. 'I've just received word that the Durex factory in Liverpool has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.'

Andy Burnham MP: 'Shit! Alistair Darling has just published the budget. The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We're going to have to ship some in from France.'

Junior Minister: 'If I may say so, sir, that's not a good idea. Sarkozy and his government will have a field day on this one. May I make a suggestion?'

Burnham: 'Go on.'

Junior Minister: 'What about Scotland? The Scottish government is always complaining about how they're ignored by England. Perhaps they could help.'

Burnham: 'Good idea! Call Alex Salmond. Tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick.

Junior Minister: 'But, sir, surely we don't need them as big as that?

Burnham: 'Of course not. But the Scots will want to make capital out of this. This way they'll continue to respect the English.'

Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP runs out to open the boxes that arrived at Westminster. He finds five million condoms. As requested they are ten inches long, eight inches thick, all coloured blue and white with small writing on each one.

'MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM'