Woeful Wednesday

I hired this Eastern European woman as a house cleaner the other day after hearing that they were efficient workers. It took me by surprise that it took her 5 days just to hoover the upstairs of my house. Turns out she was a Slovak...

You know, my garden is full of weeds, the grass is about three feet long and it's a complete mess. I’ve half a mind to phone the police and tell them that Peter Tobin used to live in my house...

Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it stands to reason one of us is from China. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my elder brother Colin. Or my younger brother Mao Tsetung. But I think it's Colin...

The Glasgow intelligence test. Name a fish that begins with S. Answer: Single...

Did you hear about the duck that laid a white egg with brown speckles? She did it for a lark...

What's the difference between England keeper Robert Green and Cheryl Cole? Cheryl caught something in Africa...

I went out for a meal with a girl the other night. She asked if I wanted to go Dutch. So I kicked her in the chest, hacked her shins and cried at the end of the meal....


I was walking along Princes Street the other day when I spotted a chap with fangs wearing a dark cloak. He was attracting plenty attention when suddenly a ten ton load of smoked salmon, sandwiches, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents, chicken wings, tomato salad and crisps descends on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground. 'Aaargh!' he croaks, 'it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer...!'

I hear there's a new sushi bar opening in the middle of Edinburgh that caters exclusively for lawyers. It's called Sosumi...



Okay, I did say it was woeful Wednesday..