It Will All End in Tiers...

My fellow blogger and Hearts supporter Adullamite has posted on his excellent blog numerous reasons that point out one is Scottish. Among them - you’ve been at a wedding where the footie results were read out. Indeed it is so and I can relate to more than one occasion where such a statement is true - but, sadly, has implications for the marriage.

My father, God rest his considerable soul, was married three times. His first marriage - to my mother, you'll not be surprised to learn - was in 1959. My mother tells me the man she married just a few hours earlier thought it would be a good idea to read out the result of the Grand National held that afternoon (I'll resist the obvious gag about old nags...) Sadly, my parents split a little more than a decade later. By the time my father got married for a third time - in 1993 - his desperation had reached the level where he asked me to be his best man. One of my half-brothers was an ardent Rangers fan and with the reception being at the rather ridiculous time of five o'clock on a Saturday in September, I had managed to obtain both the Rangers and Hearts results and read them out as I was delivering the good luck messages. This didn't go down well with pater or the considerable number of Celtic fans at the reception.

In recent years I was at the wedding of Gordon, a good friend of mine who had the somewhat dubious pleasure of not only being a Hearts season ticket holder but of sitting next to me at Tynecastle. Like my father, Gordon decided to get married during the football season and, inexplicably, when Hearts were playing Kilmarnock meaning we both missed the game. The wedding was held in early afternoon so the game was kicking off by the time we all headed for the reception. By now, mobile phone technology meant I was able to get instant updates from Tynecastle while simultaneously ordering drinks from the bar (if Gordon happens to read this you can insert your own punchline here about what a generous fella I am...) Sadly, I soon wished I hadn't bothered as the phone update displayed the news Hearts had lost a couple of early goals. On relaying this information to the bridegroom, his newly acquired wife overheard and snapped 'that b*****d is giving my Gordon the football scores' I still don't know if Gordon was more aghast at his new wife's response or the fact that Hearts were two nil down. Sadly, Gordon's marriage lasted as long as Hearts chances of lifting the league title...

References to sporting events or broadcasts at weddings seldom go down well. A few years back one of my wife's multitude of relatives got married at Aberdeen Football Club's Pittodrie Stadium (I should add she had the good sense not to get married when Aberdeen were playing there) Being Aberdeen, I'm tempted to suggest many of those at the reception walked out long before the end - but I won't. However, the best man gave the usual nervous, painful speech before adding the last time he saw the bridegroom looking so happy was when he got Sky Sports installed. Aberdonians can have a peculiar sense of humour and my guffaw at such a witty comment echoed round the room as it appeared I was the only person who found it funny. Sadly, this marriage was also to hit rocky seas...

My own marriage was slap bang in the middle of the 1982 World Cup. She Who Must be Obeyed insisted on a June wedding but I saw obvious merit on arranging it for the day before her birthday - and the day after Scotland lost 4-1 to Brazil. Not only did few people want to talk about football thereby rendering any mention of the game in my speech futile, the date meant I could combine future anniversary and birthday presents to the infamous Mrs Smith thereby saving a small fortune.

Like any wedding, it pays to plan ahead. Just don't mention the football. Like the cake it will all end in tiers...