You Know You're Getting Old When...

...I may have posted some of these before but my memory ain't what it used to be. That and I just can't be arsed looking...

Your joints are more accurate than the weather forecast.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your back goes out more than you do.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.

You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.

You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

People call at 9.00pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.

You look forward to a dull evening.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

Happy hour is a nap.

You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.

The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your trousers.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

You find yourself beginning to like Scottish country dance music (and your foot taps when you hear it)

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You realise that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

You don't remember being absent-minded.

You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.

Younger women start opening doors for you.

Younger men ask you for advice.

A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.

You learn where your prostrate is.