Rock On and On and On...

I was at the Red Hot Chilli Pipers gig in Edinburgh at The Liquid Room on Thursday evening. It was hugely enjoyable and the Pipers showed why they're one of the hottest (if you'll pardon the pun) acts in Scotland today. And the support act - Irish singer/songwriter Paul Casey - was also impressive. You can't beat seeing a live act. But sometimes - okay, most of the time - I do feel my grandfather status making an impact...

Some things that have always happened at gigs are now beginning to irritate me. I purchased the tickets on-line and, not trusting the postal service in Dalkeith one little bit, arranged to collect them at the box office on Thursday evening. From 7.00pm my confirmation e-mail said and when we got there at 7.20 there was a queue down Victoria Street that stretched very nearly down to the Grassmarket. And on a chilly April evening we had to wait.

On eventual arrival at the box office it transpired that our tickets had been given to another customer called Smith but, credit to the girl at the counter, she let us in on receipt of the printed confirmation I had brought with me. Now The Liquid Room has staged many a fine gig over the years but, being somewhat claustraphobic, I've never been totally at ease there. At least now Scotland has the ban on smoking in public places you no longer feel like an Arbroath smokie.

Much as I enjoyed The Pipers - and they are a superb act - I felt the intimacy of the venue didn't do them any favours. Perhaps the larger Corn Exchange would have been more appropriate as the band seemed to struggle initially with the sound system at the smaller Liquid Room. And, at 46, standing for nearly three hours didn't do my back any good!

But this is down to me getting old! Twenty years ago I would have headed to the nearest pub from such a gig and toasted such musical talent into the wee small hours, even with work due the next day. Two decades, two kids, two grandchildren and two mortgages later, it's leaving a couple of minutes early to avoid the stampede to get out and straight on the bus home to a cup of Horlicks and bed!

Rather appropriately after watching the Red Hot Chilli Pipers, I'm off to find my pipe and slippers and a quiet night in....

It's an Education

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age?

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does "varicose" mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"?

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word "benign" mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Jailhouse Rock

The lead 'singer' of the rock group The Babyshambles - the shy and retiring Pete Doherty - has finally sucummbed to the laws of the land and been sentenced to fourteen weeks in prison for violating his probation and using drugs.
Rumour has it that Doherty will spend some of his time 'inside' working on a new album for his band. It's believed to be an album of cover versions including hits such as:

Jailhouse Rock

I Want to Break Free

Please Release Me

Things Can Only Get Better

Chain Gang

I'm sure, dear reader, you can suggest many more....

Royal Flush

At the weekend there were two stories dominating the news. The protest during the Olympic flame relay in London and, also in the 'smoke', the news that Prince Philip had been admitted to hospital with a chest infection. As a new week begins, the story dominating the news bulletins tonight is that the long running inquest into the deaths of Diana, Princess of Wales and her companian Dodi Al Fayed has returned a verdict of 'Unlawful Killing'. As opposed to what other kind of killing, I'm not entirely sure. But the huge cost involved for the inquest and the cost of keeping Phil the Greek in a hospital bed for a couple of nights will doubtless be passed on to us - the taxpayer. And at this point, I feel the need for another rant.

As a Scottish nationalist, I've often asked the question - what does the British royal family actually do for Scotland? In my view, not a great deal. Scotland, on the other hand, provides royal residency at Holyrood Palace, here in Edinburgh, Balmoral in north-east Scotland and at the Castle of Mey in Caithness. There are probably others but I can't be bothered to mention them although like thousands of other Scots, my taxes do help pay for their upkeep.

I heard on BBC Radio Five Live at the weekend that Prince Philip, despite being in his eighties, keeps rude health as does his octaganerian wife, Liz. The Queen Mother lived for over one hundred years and we're supposed to admire the longevity of a family whom, history decrees, shoud never have been in the position they are in any case (the abdication of King Edward VIII in 1936 saw to that) Republicans like me will see it as hardly surprising the Royals enjoy such good health - we taxpayers are paying for their healthcare.

When Scotland does achieve independence - and the day is not far off now - I sincerely hope that the next step is to make our nation a republic. The Royal family are an expensive millstone round our nation's neck. Many people in Scotland live in poverty and in poor health - the two are not unconnected - whilst millions of pounds is spent every year keeping the Windsor family in the luxury to which they're accustomed. Money that is taken from the hard working people of Scotland and the rest of the United Kingdom, money that we could all do with in the daily struggle to make ends meet.

I don't care if Prince Philip has a bit of a cough. I'm not bothered if Prince Harry returns to active duty with the army in Iraq. And I'm not particularly interested in the outcome of an inquest into the deaths of two people more than a decade ago. What I do care about is the people of Scotland. Particularly those living in poverty and those desperately trying to avoid it.

That's what should be making the news headlines in this country.

Breakfast at Smithy's

In today's increasingly stressful life - 99% of the news is invariably so bad I sometimes find it a huge effort just to get up in the morning - it's comforting to know there are still some simple pleasures in life. Sunday mornings mean the great British breakfast - a couple of rashes of bacon, fried egg, some sausages, fried mushrooms, a couple of slices of buttered toast and a cup of coffee (the real McCoy, not that decaffinated stuff) - and suddenly the world seems a much better place.

But it's a sign of the times that even such pleasures can come under attack from an increasingly 'nanny state'. I read the other day that eating just one sausage a day can increase the risk of bowel cancer by 20%. Now, according to the 'experts', enjoying your freshly cooked bacon is already placing you at the front of the queue for a heart attack. And too much coffee isn't good for you. What some health-obsessed guardians of the state would have you eat is akin to a couple of slices of cardboard, fruit juice and five pieces of fruit a day - before you head out for a five mile run.

Now this may well be a sign of my advancing years but where the hell is the fun in that? Like thousands, probably millions of others, I love the great British fry-up. In fact, the great Scottish fry-up to be precise. Substitute the mushrooms for a slice of black pudding or haggis and making sure the bacon is of the Ayrshire variety and you're just about there.

Now Dr. Begood and associates may say I'm doing real damage to my arteries. But they're my arteries. My family has a history of heart disease anyway so there's a fair chance I could eat my cardboard and drink my herbal tea before running the equivalent of the Edinburgh half marathon every morning and still drop down dead before I'm pensionable age (as happened to my father and his father) In fact, knowing my luck, there's a reasonable chance I may get run over by a bus whilst out on my 'jog' - although admittedly the chances of it being a bus to Dalkeith are unlikely. But I still prefer to take my chances and have some enjoyment in life.

Part of my weekend is enduring the efforts (although I use the term loosely these days) of Heart of Midlothian Football Club, once pride of Edinburgh but now the plaything of an Eastern European empire. By Christ, I need something to look forward to.

Hang on - can you smell burning?

Worst Group

Rumour has it that First Edinburgh buses - a subsiduary of First Group - are considering sending their managers to a brewery so they can train to organise a substantial drinking session.

Tonight, I waited 25 minutes for a number 86 to Dalkeith at Cameron Toll. Then the bus broke down. The there was the interminable roadworks in Dalkeith (yet another set of temporary traffic lights has sprung in the town centre. I'm beginning to think it's an alien invasion disguised as traffic lights) And the driver didn't seem to have a clue what she was doing. So the normal half hour journey from Cameron Toll to my home took an hour.

I read the other day that First Edinburgh have been fined for their poor services in West Lothian. i.e. buses running late and sometimes not at all.

Well, there's a surprise...

Pandering To The Neds

There was a story in The Herald yesterday about how three under-16s had to spend some time in an adult jail after one of Scotland's secure units for children had to be closed temporarily after a riot. Cue condemnation from the do-gooders brigade about how this was wrong and why our vulnerable children should be protected. John Watson, Scottish Programme Director for Amnesty International said: "Adult jails are no place for vulnerable children."

Admirable sentiments. Except we're not talking about vulnerable children, are we? We're talking about gobby little neds who roam the streets at night with the sole intent of causing as much trouble as possible. And who make life miserable for many others.

You only need to walk down Edinburgh's Princes Street on a Friday or Saturday evening - or any other evening for that matter - to witness loutish behaviour by out of control wannabe gangsters who have no respect for society or law and order. Fuelled by cheap alcohol and who knows what kind of illegal substance, the teenage thugs do as they please and heaven help anyone caught in the crossfire. Travelling on public transport in the capital city and beyond late at night can be at best an irritation and at worst an ordeal with one being fearful for one's safety. Loud, abusive, threatening behaviour - it's small wonder that most buses now have protective shields in case the poor harrassed driver gets set upon. And many of these yobs are still of school age (I hesitate to suggest they're still at school as I suspect many of them don't bother with education - or they go to school to harrass and threaten the downtrodden teachers)

Society has declined steadily in the last three or four decades. You daren't drop your guard when going out at night as you just don't know what lies ahead. There is precious little respect nowadays. So it annoys me when I read the views of the so-called experts who say these louts are vulnerable and need protection. Worse still is the all too frequent human rights bollocks. What about their victims? What about their human rights?

The reason most of these yobs are in secure units is because of their behaviour. Now there'll be any number of social workers and child psychologists who say these children need support and not punishment. Any number of 'experts' only too keen to pander to the needs of ned culture.

When I was 14 years old in 1976, I got into a spot of bother. My mother gave me such a damned good thrashing I never got into trouble again. But violence against children is not humane I hear the cry. Fair enough.

But if the do-gooders say the reason youngsters get into trouble is because they have no social amenities and no prospects then may I suggest a solution? Bring back national service for 16-18 year olds. A couple of years in the army will sort out their 'vulnerability'

And allow law-abiding citizens to live a little more freely.