Happy Birthday Michaela

19 years old today.

Despite everything - I'm proud you're my daughter. Have a good day.

Don't Touch That Dial

ITV would provide fewer regional programmes, including news bulletins, under proposals from regulator Ofcom. The broadcaster has been advised to concentrate on providing original output which has been made in the UK. It would be allowed to show fewer daytime news bulletins, but only after it "restructured" its news operations in England and the Scottish Borders. Ofcom has been looking at the future of public service broadcasting at a time when advertising income is falling.

From the BBC News Website

What the hell is happening to ITV? The commercial channel - not so long ago the only commercial channel in the UK - has steadily gone downhill in recent years. The standards of programmes it makes now is, with the odd exception, quite poor. Some people accuse the BBC of dumbing down but the masters of this are ITV who seem to think their rapidly diminishing number of viewers have the attention span of a goldfish.

Living in Edinburgh, I'm served - although I use the term loosely - by STV. Now, in fairness to the Scottish boys and girls, there have been some decent programmes made north of the border. Rebus and Taggart, for example, are quite superb. However the main output from ITV these days is, quite frankly, awful. The jewel in the crown of the independent station is the soap opera Coronation Street. But, having been around for nearly fifty years, even that is looking distinctly tacky and moving ever further from reality.

The proposal from Ofcom that ITV cuts its regional news programmes is desperate. STV's Scotland Today is hugely popular with its anchor presenter John Mackay an authoritative voice. To cut this programme - and STV has already dropped Scotsport after more than fifty years - may signal the beginning of the end for the commercial station in Scotland. Viewers in Aberdeen have already seen the loss of Grampian Television - STV may suffer the same fate.

I fear ITV may be going down the same crass road as American television. Round the clock advertisements and messages from sponsors which are interrupted by television programmes. It's somewhat ironic that ITV is still broadcasting some of the quality programmes its used to make in days gone by on its Freeview stations ITV3 and ITV4. The likes of The Sweeney, Minder, Upstairs Downstairs, Rebus, Taggart are still shown regularly on these two channels. And, I suspect, still viewed by those who yearn for the days when there was quality programmes to watch on the box.

But not, sadly, I assume from anyone at Ofcom...

Top Tips For Students

A handy guide for students who go to Queen Margaret College in Musselburgh and who use Lothian Buses Number 30 service:

Sprawl over your seat, ensuring you're in a comfortable position to speak to your mate in a similar position in the seat behind you - or in some cases across from you, whichever causes most inconvenience for other non-student passengers.

If you are travelling alone, ensure your bag, haversack, tent, rucksack etc. sits on the seat next to you rather than in the luggage rack at the front of the bus. This will ensure other passengers trying to get to work (look it up in the dictionary if you're unsure) will have to ask you to move your luggage.

If a passenger does ask you to remove said item, look at him/her with vacant eyes and mouth suitably open. Do not engage in conversation, grunt if need be and ensure they are aware of your anger at the inconvenience they have caused you by requiring a seat.

If an elderly passenger comes on, don't give up the seat which states it should be a priority for older people. They shouldn't be out at this time of the day anyway, they've got all day to go and collect their pension so don't give up your seat unless the fascist bus driver instructs you to do so.

In addition to taking up two seats by yourself, ensure your IPod is at full blast, thus creating more discomfort for passengers. A handy tip for female students is to have the most irritating pop song for years - 'I Kissed a Girl' by Katy Perry at maximum volume so those passengers who switch off their radios whenever this 'song' comes on are subjected to it's full banality.

Make sure your mobile phone is switched on and has a hugely irritating ring tone. Remember to talk as loud and as obtrusively as you can and make as many phone calls as you can to cause maximum annoyance.

If the bus is busy and none of the self-centred passengers will bother to give you and your bag a seat, ignore the signs on the bus and stand at the front of the vehicle. Disregard the instructions from the fascist bus driver to 'move along to the back of the bus' and remain at the front, thus ensuring on-coming passengers have to squeeze past you and your haversack to secure a decent standing position.

If you've had a particularly heavy evening at the students union the night before, you can belch, burp, fart and exhale disgusting odours at will. This has the added bonus of putting other passengers off the idea of sitting next to you, therefore enabling you to keep your haversack/bag on the seat next to you.

And, finally, when getting off remember to press the bell but don't move from your seat until the bus has stopped and the fascist driver is anxiously looking over his shoulder for who wants off. This will cause maximum disruption to the driver and his/her passengers making their journey as difficult as possible.

Which is the main aim of you using the bus in the first place....

Recycle This...

Recycling is everywhere nowadays as people finally think about trying to save the planet. I have to confess I'm not exactly a champion at recycling and I admit I really have to change some of my habits. For years, I've simply chucked everything into a big black plastic bag, tossed it into my wheelie bin and forgot about it. Much the same way as the council binmen forget about it when it comes to emptying...

I've ranted before about Midlothian Council's shambolic attempts to get its citizens to recycle. Red box for papers (but not envelopes) and black box for bottles, jars and plastic (although plastic cartons mustn't have the lids on) And remember to wash the rubbish before you put it out...

But here's something to consider:

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been £16.50 £1,000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less £5

If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

I'm off to hug a tree...

Why Should the Chicken Cross the Road?

Gordon Brown: I admit I may have made a mistake on the 10p in the pound issue but I believe I made the correct decision in advising the chicken to cross the road to Lloyds TSB. Otherwise it would have felt the full force of the collapse of HBOS. Opinion polls may give the chicken short-term support but the only poll that counts is the one for the general election. Unless the chicken is free-range and comes from Krakow…

George W. Bush: I have put a significant amount of taxpayer dollars on the line to ensure the chicken crosses the road in the interests of democracy. But I'm convinced that this bold approach will cost American families far less than the alternative. The fact there are significant oil reserves on the other side of the road has absolutely nothing to do with my decision. Yo!

David Cameron: We’ve made our position on this issue absolutely clear. If the chicken wishes to cross the road, it should cross at the pedestrian crossing where it is safe to do so. Unless there’s a political party leader cycling the wrong way down a one-way street and ignoring red lights…

Alex Salmond: There is absolutely no doubt the chicken would be far better off cross the road to independence. The benefits for the chicken and its chicks would be enormous with an independent Scotland free from the shackles of Westminster.

Boris Johnson: Cripes! I, er, should, er , warn the chicken that there is a history of chief-killing across the road with the chicken liable to be sacrificed. And beware of Jamie Oliver. In any case my wife is cooking chicken casserole tonight. Hmm!

Noel Edmonds: The banker is in belligerent mood and has offered the chicken £13,500 to stay where it is. The question the chicken has to answer is whether it should cross the road and gamble on whether there is £250,000 worth of chicken feed in that box over there. I can’t influence the chicken in any way but I would stress it does not need to use part of this money to go into the post office across the road and pay its television licence fee.

George Michael: I refused to cross the road for years but ever since I did I feel kind of liberated, you know? And the public conveniences over here are quite superb - what a line up. You even get help to zip you up before you go-go…

Sir Moir Lockhead: There is no danger of the chicken being run over by any of the First Bus fleet. If it crosses the road now it’s perfectly safe to do so. Despite the fact there is a bus due at this moment in time we don’t expect it to appear for at least another ten minutes, if at all…

Great Songs of Our Time (Part 1)

Are teenage dreams so hard to beat?

Every time she walks down the street.

Another girl in the neighbourhood.

I wish she was mine, she looks so good.

I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight.

Get teenage kicks right through the night.

I'm gonna call her on the telephone,Have her over 'cos I'm all alone.

I need excitement, oh I need it bad,And it's the best I've ever had.

I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight. Get teenage kicks right through the night (alright).

Doomed, I Tell You!

Private Frazer in the acclaimed BBC comedy Dad's Army was renowned for looking deadly serious - he played the part of an undertaker after all - and uttering 'We're all doomed!' Given the way things are in this country at the moment you could almost believe his words were prophetic.

After a very pleasant long weekend which included Friday and Monday off work, I headed back to work on Tuesday full of gloom. The day began with the alarm blasting out at 6.05am - and it was still pitch black outside. It was raining heavily in Edinburgh. There were long queues of traffic going nowhere on the peripherals of the city by-pass. The news on the radio was conveying the demise of one of the biggest financial institutions in the USA and how the knock-on affect for this country could be catastrophic. Jobs were at risk, the economy was close to meltdown and the effects of global warming meant we could expect more torrential rain and 'localised flooding' (I find that a curious term - is that in case we think if it's chucking it down in Inverness then Edinburgh better prepare to drown?)

The news tonight is no better. I wonder if the person who coined the phrase 'credit-crunch' took out copyright. They'd be a millionaire by now if they had. The price of food has rocketed and who knows how much we'll be paying for gas and electricity this winter.

A shortage of staff at work means everyone is working their collective backsides off for little reward. In fact no reward at all, just continual moans and groans.

And, having thought they had turned the corner, Hearts lost 2-1 to Falkirk at the weekend and a whole host of players are now receiving treatment for injuries. Our little neighbours from Easter Road are asking us to part with £27 for the dubious pleasure of watching the Hibs-Hearts game in dankest Leith at the end of October. To paraphrase a Scots term where two positives form a negative, 'aye,right!'

So, with all this doom and gloom, I've lapsed into grumpy old man mode tonight. I need cheering up. It's all very well for some people to say there are some people worse off. I don't doubt there are but that doesn't make me feel any better on this woeful Wednesday. My glass isn't so much half empty as totally devoid of any alcohol...

Now, where's that Dad's Army video....?