The Tartan Ball

A night of Scottish entertainment, music and prizes all for a worthy local cause.

A charity fundraising event in support of Horizons, a Project of Places for People Scotland Care and Support.

Music by The Beag Agus Mor plus The Edinburgh Post Office Pipe Band and Minus 1

Wednesday 18 March 2009

The Edinburgh Masonic Club, Shrubhill Lane, Leith Walk, Edinburgh

Doors: 7.00pm Dinner: 8.15pm

Admission £9, Concession £7

Dress code: Wear something tartan.

For tickets please call 07951 514416 or 07973 594805.

Part of Homecoming Scotland 2009

A Misunderstanding

My dear friend from Seattle, the lovely June, creased me up when I read her latest e-mail. Part of it read:

Right now I am watching a few interesting shows on Hitler on the history channel, I was thinking of you while I was watching it..........not that you remind me of Hitler, just that I know how much you are interested in this time period.

Now I've been called and compared to many things, but Hitler is a first! I wonder if the fact I was out to the pub last night wearing knee length black leather boots and a brown shirt and am growing a small moustache may have had anything to to with it...? I know what June really meant and she alluded to it in her e-mail but I have to say it brightened my normally miserable Sunday.

My dear old mum is the person who I associate most with misunderstandings. A few years ago there was a spate of threatened anthrax attacks and she was telling me how concerned she was about opening any suspect looking parcel that may be delivered to her (although quite how she thought she would be a target for any terrorist activity is rather beyond me) As she put it, she was quite concerned about the threat of Andrex...Rather fittingly, the following day I took her to the Hearts-Aberdeen game at Tynecastle (she's an Aberdeen fan) and the kick-off was held up for a couple of minutes after the Aberdeen fans threw a multitude of toilet rolls on to the pitch. So, perhaps she had a point all along...

Her piece de resistance, however, was when she thought about getting one of those new 'George Formby Grills'.

At least her eggs would turn out nice again...

St. Jade the Goody

There was in that time a poor peasant girl, ill-mannered and ill-favoured in every way. Jade's life was changed for ever when she was picked out from her humble hovel to join a celebrated enclosed order of the time known as the Big Brothers.

Made up of men and women, the Brothers forsook all worldly goods and took a vow of celebrity, living communally in the 'House' and dedicating their lives to ignorance and mutual abuse.

In a short while, Jade attracted a huge personal following but also she fell from grace when she unwisely addressed a comely young novice from the Indies as a 'f*****g P**i'

Poor Jade was expelled from the Big Brotherhood and was scorned and derided by the multitude.

Yet, in her misery and humiliation, Jade found grace. She earnestly repented and sought forgiveness from the Blessed Media. Before long they relented, particularly when they discovered she was dying.

Jade was now hailed throughout the land as a martyr and living saint. There was even a miracle, which astonished all those who witnessed it. Jade had become betrothed to a young criminal of the time, by the name of Jack Tweed. But he was languishing in a prison cell. Then lo, the gates of the prison were suddenly thrown open, thanks to the intercession of a well-known holy man of the time, St. Jack of Straw.

The tags dropped from Tweed's leg and he walked free. And so it was that the couple were wed before the eyes of the nation and Jade received a million gold coins from Halo! magazine...

A Private Eye classic

Fred Goodwin Latest

You Never Stop Worrying

My youngest daughter Michaela is heading off to London on Friday for a 'girls weekend'. She's staying with a friend tonight so I caught her before she left for work this morning.

'Now, darling - you look after yourself down there. Take extra care - there are a lot of dodgy people in the world today'

Her reply was typical for someone who has already achieved a lot in life for being aged just 19. 'For God's sake, Dad - I'm not a kid any more'

And don't I know it...

But that's the responsibility of being a parent, as Michaela herself may know a few years from now. You never stop worrying about your children.

My mother is 72, God bless her, and she still frets about me making a 20 minute bus journey from her house - 40 minutes when hapless Midlothian Council spring up hundreds of temporary traffic lights in Dalkeith for no apparent reason. I tell her that, now I've reached the age of 47, have two grown-up children and two toddling grandchildren, that I'm reasonably capable of crossing the road unaided. Although, admittedly, this can be dependant on whether I head for a pint on the way home...

My other daughter, Laura, also causes me no end of concern. Are you coping with the brats - sorry, loveable kiddies - are you managing to pay the bills, are you eating properly, are you sleeping okay...?? Questions which are usually treated with contempt by my tempestuous 22 year old.

As parents we are supposed to prepare our children for life. As parents it is also hard to accept that our way is not the only way.We just have to love our children and grandchildren, warts and all. You love them and are always concerned about them -but it's part of caring.

So while I hope Michaela has a wonderful weekend in the old smoke - and I'm sure she will - there's a little part of me that will be delighted to see her back in Auld Reekie safe and sound on Sunday night. Okay - a big part of me.

Families, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em....

So I Did a Google Search and...

Yes Minister...

Harriet Harman has said reports that she and other senior colleagues are positioning themselves for a future leadership battle are unfounded. The deputy Labour leader said she was "loyal" to Gordon Brown and there was not a "shred of truth" in reports she was already planning for the future.

She told the BBC's Andrew Marr show that there was "not a shred nor iota of truth" about such claims. "I am very proud to be Gordon Brown's loyal deputy and that is what I am," she said.

From the BBC News Website

For those who remember that excellent political satire Yes Minister and its sequel Yes Prime Minister from a few years ago, Harriet Harman's comments could well have been penned by Sir Humphrey Appleby.

Ludovic Kennedy: "Given the timing of your speech are you interested in challenging for the PM's job?"

Jim Hacker: I have no ambitions to become Prime Minister.

Kennedy: So you are interested!

I have learned over the years never to trust what politicians say, particularly since 'New Labour' came to power. After years of Thatcherism and Conservative policies intent on destroying communities throughout Scotland, we've had more than a decade of spin, spin and more spin from what used to be the party of the working class. If Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman or any other politician says today is Sunday I'll immediately check to see what day it really is.

I don't really care who leads the Labour Party or who will or will not be Prime Minister. I yearn for independence for Scotland and a chance for our nation to prosper, free from the shackles of Westminster and the political machine in London. As another quote from the wonderful Yes Minister illustrates...

Jim Hacker: "This government believes in reducing bureaucracy."

Ludovic Kennedy: "Well, figures that I have here say that your department's staff has risen by 10%."

Jim Hacker: "Certainly not."

Ludovic Kennedy: "Well, what figure do you have?"

Jim Hacker: "I believe the figure is much more like 9.97."

Ludovic Kennedy: "How are you going to meet the challenge in reforming local government?"

Jim Hacker: "It is far to early to give detailed proposals, after all I have just come here direct from Number 10."

Ludovic Kennedy: "From Number 9.97, perhaps?"