St. Jade the Goody

There was in that time a poor peasant girl, ill-mannered and ill-favoured in every way. Jade's life was changed for ever when she was picked out from her humble hovel to join a celebrated enclosed order of the time known as the Big Brothers.

Made up of men and women, the Brothers forsook all worldly goods and took a vow of celebrity, living communally in the 'House' and dedicating their lives to ignorance and mutual abuse.

In a short while, Jade attracted a huge personal following but also she fell from grace when she unwisely addressed a comely young novice from the Indies as a 'f*****g P**i'

Poor Jade was expelled from the Big Brotherhood and was scorned and derided by the multitude.

Yet, in her misery and humiliation, Jade found grace. She earnestly repented and sought forgiveness from the Blessed Media. Before long they relented, particularly when they discovered she was dying.

Jade was now hailed throughout the land as a martyr and living saint. There was even a miracle, which astonished all those who witnessed it. Jade had become betrothed to a young criminal of the time, by the name of Jack Tweed. But he was languishing in a prison cell. Then lo, the gates of the prison were suddenly thrown open, thanks to the intercession of a well-known holy man of the time, St. Jack of Straw.

The tags dropped from Tweed's leg and he walked free. And so it was that the couple were wed before the eyes of the nation and Jade received a million gold coins from Halo! magazine...

A Private Eye classic