Woeful Wednesday

I hired this Eastern European woman as a house cleaner the other day after hearing that they were efficient workers. It took me by surprise that it took her 5 days just to hoover the upstairs of my house. Turns out she was a Slovak...

You know, my garden is full of weeds, the grass is about three feet long and it's a complete mess. I’ve half a mind to phone the police and tell them that Peter Tobin used to live in my house...

Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it stands to reason one of us is from China. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my elder brother Colin. Or my younger brother Mao Tsetung. But I think it's Colin...

The Glasgow intelligence test. Name a fish that begins with S. Answer: Single...

Did you hear about the duck that laid a white egg with brown speckles? She did it for a lark...

What's the difference between England keeper Robert Green and Cheryl Cole? Cheryl caught something in Africa...

I went out for a meal with a girl the other night. She asked if I wanted to go Dutch. So I kicked her in the chest, hacked her shins and cried at the end of the meal....


I was walking along Princes Street the other day when I spotted a chap with fangs wearing a dark cloak. He was attracting plenty attention when suddenly a ten ton load of smoked salmon, sandwiches, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents, chicken wings, tomato salad and crisps descends on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground. 'Aaargh!' he croaks, 'it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer...!'

I hear there's a new sushi bar opening in the middle of Edinburgh that caters exclusively for lawyers. It's called Sosumi...



Okay, I did say it was woeful Wednesday..

Running for Cover

Edinburgh. Early July. The middle of the local trades fortnight. Which can only mean one thing as far as the weather is concerned - rain. I met my mother for a bacon roll in Edinburgh's city centre today and while the calendar said it was July it may well have been October. Damp, misty, far from warm - in fact, it was dreich.

Now we're less than a month away from the start of the world's biggest and best arts and cultural festival so Auld Reekie is already full of tourists - not that Scotland's beautiful capital city is ever without visitors from near and far. The rain doesn't deter those visitors from venturing from their stylish hotels and bed and breakfast establishments (and Travelodge...) however it does mean the visiting hordes unleash that weapon of manners destruction - the umbrella.

In Scotland, when it rains many people either use A, an umbrella, or B, wear a hood. Now clearly these are not the only alternatives. Nor are they mutually exclusive. In the middle of Edinburgh today in the rain I had opted for option B. If everyone else had chosen the same option then this rant would not be on your screen, distracting you from your Facebook page/emails/porn. But they hadn’t. And herein lies the problem.

Ignorant, gormless and downright stupid people carrying umbrellas - let's call them tourists - put people at risk. How? Those damn metal spikes for one. Whose idea was it to put metal spikes on an implement designed to be held somewhere around eye level? (probably an Englishman) And does this implement cure cancer or help make hydrogen into a usable energy? Nope. It protects people from the sweet loving rain that waters our gardens, fields and allotments. Now if one had full visibility in a street chock-a-block with tourists wielding umbrellas then things might not be so bad. A little dicey perhaps, but I think we could keep the casualty figures down in the low teens if we all stayed alert.

An ever growing number of people with umbrellas simply don't think. Mr Overweight American Loudmouth and his equally overweight partner amble side by side along Edinburgh's North Bridge - 'Gee, ya see the castle, honey?' - with umbrellas the size of a small gazebo sticking out on to half the street. Do they move to allow us mere locals to get by and get on with our daily business? My arse, they do. Street etiquette is fast   disappearing in any case but people with umbrellas not only don't consider what injury they may inflict on their fellow pedestrian - they don't seem to care either.

There is always, of course, option B. The hood. It's a far more sensible and indeed practical way to protect your napper from getting wet while walking in a busy city street where metal spikes are constantly coming at you from all directions. And there's far less chance of forgetting to take your hood with you after you've had a pint or three in one of the multitude of Edinburgh pubs. How many folded umbrellas have been left in Edinburgh's drinking establishments, I wonder? Now I have been known, on occasion, to take an umbrella to work. But I like to think I am considerate whilst doing so and not so stupid as to leave it lying in some bar somewhere (by the way, if the office cleaner happens to read this don't throw it out, I forgot to take it home on Friday...)

So, next time you head out in the pouring rain - and in Scotland this is a far more regular occurrence than is necessary - and you decide to take your umbrella, please consider other people. Before you have their eye out...

Wrapped Up: World Cup 2010

Eric n' Ernie - and Des...

Aberdeen Gets the Internet...

Play With the Bodog Babes!

The Pope Visits Glasgow...

The Pope comes to Glasgow and gives a sermon to the masses who have come to see him. Looking at the huge crowds before him, His Holiness asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."


With that, wee Jimmy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Wee Jimmy replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Jimmy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Jimmy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "James, how is your hearing now?"

Wee Jimmy answered, "I don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."