Being Scottish

According to someone called Rab Fairbairn who 'writes' for that esteemed publication the Sunday Mail, my prose in the programme for last Saturday's Hearts-Hibs game was 'childish guff'. Well, Rab, in an attempt to maintain standards here are some tell-tale signs of being Scottish:

Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a northerly wind is good weather.

The only sausage you like is square.

You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.

Aye = yes.

Aye right = not likely.

Auld yin = someone over 40.

Baltic =freezing.

You have an irrational need to eat anything fried with your supper from the chippy e.g. haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken.

You used to love destroying your teeth when you were young: Buchanan's toffees, tablet, Irn-Bru bars, Cola cubes, etc.

You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a diddy team.

You happily engage in a conversation about the weather.

Even if you normally hate The Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc. you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish (you'll probably even ask the DJ to play it).

You take a perverse pride in the fact Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking-related deaths in Europe. At least we know how to party.

You used to watch Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin.

You got Oor Wullie or The Broons annuals at Christmas. Or both.

You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched Weir's Way at two in the morning, engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat walking around Scotland.

You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent e.g. Glaswegian: 'Awright pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur paper, cheers, magic pal'. Or Aberdeen - 'Fit like the day loon?'

You see a police car and hear someone shout 'Errrapolis'.

You have participated in or witnessed people having a 'square go'.

You know that when someone asks you which school you went to, they want to know if you're a Protestant or a Catholic.

You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince & tatties, haggis, cullen skink, stovies, Tunnock's Teacakes/Snowballs,Scott's Porridge Oats, Macaroon bars, Baxters soup, Scotch pies, Scotch eggs, oatcakes, shortbread and Arbroath smokies.

You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from the shopkeeper.

You know that whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit because that's what the 'jannies' used to chuck it on it. 'Gie it five minutes'

You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.

You don't do shopping, you do the 'messages'.

You're sitting on the train/bus and a drunk man sits besides you, telling you a 'joke' and saying 'I'm no annoying ye am a hen/pal?'
You: 'Not at all, yer fine. Ah think this is my stop!'

A Scottish male can have a phone conversation using only 'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'.

You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink after you've ordered something non-alcoholic. 'Mon, have a drink, whit's wrang, ye driving? Naw. You no well? Naw. Get yersel a drink.'

You know that going to a party at a friend's house means bring your own drinks.

Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you're away.

Your national team goes 2-0 up against the Czechs in a football match in Prague, and your mate says, 'We'll end up losing 3-2 here!' and you think, 'Probably'.

You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie and Auchtermuchty.

You ask for deep fried battered pizza from the chippie - oh, and a bottle of diet Coke...

You're used to four seasons in one day.

You can't pass a chip/kebab shop without drooling when you're drunk.

You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.

You measure distance in minutes.

You can make a whole sentence just with swear words.

You know what haggis is made with - and still eat it.

Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.

You've been at a wedding and football scores are announced in the church.

You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, fags and nappies in one shop.

Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.


Welcome to another year, folks!