The Art of Punnery Continued...

Go on - you know you want to read these...

The pirate captain was standing in his treasure pile. He didn't have very much - his booty was only shin-deep.

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators, Pastors, and Wall Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully. When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock "

I took my rubbish out to give it to the refuse collectors, but I found I'd missed them - they'd already bin and gone.

Anne the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque. Sam's car wouldn't lock, but he was a good friend of the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office, and went into the disco for some fun. By the end of the night, and having had way too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal, completely forgetting to take back their instruments. Anne told the conductor, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco."

I had a nightmare that I was in Panama during a snowstorm. I was dreaming of a white isthmus.

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor."What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief."Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick? A: It becomes a little pale.

People who live beyond their means should act their wage.

He made money sending thousands of junk emails to people, but one day he made a mistake and sent a whole load of them to a famous Hollywood actress. She was so angry that she had him beaten up, and that's how he came to be known as The Star Mangled Spammer.

A subservient fish is one that knows his plaice

He ate wheat even though he was allergic to it, because he was a gluten for punishment.

During a drought, things just go from one ex-stream to another.....