Line of Duty Extra: AC-12 Visits Tynecastle

The excellent BBC1 series Line of Duty ended its fifth series on Sunday evening. However, there is one additional programme which hasn’t aired. Yet…

Scene 1: A conference suite in the new main stand at Tynecastle Park, Edinburgh. Superintendent Ted Hastings is seated, flanked by two senior members of his AC-12 team. Enter Hearts manager Craig Levein accompanied by his legal representative Ann Budge.

TH: Interview commenced 1600 hours. Chaired by Superintendent Hastings, assisted by DI Fleming and DS Arnott. For the tape can you please confirm your name and role.

CL: Craig Levein. Manager of Heart of Midlothian Football Club.

TH: Thank you. This is to confirm, Mr Levein, that this interview is connection with your competency to manage one of Scotland’s leading football clubs. DI Fleming, can you commence proceedings please.

DI Fleming: Item 1 in your folders. This is Hearts record in the last six months which shows just six wins during this time. As someone in charge of one of the top football clubs in Scotland, can you explain this abysmal record?

AB: I must insist you withdraw the word ‘abysmal’. 

TH: Oh? And what word would you use to describe the team’s recent form?

AB: I prefer ‘consistent’. 

TH: Dear Mother of God. Continue DI Fleming.

DI Fleming: This period of ‘abysmal consistency’ includes home defeats to Dundee, Kilmarnock (twice); draws with Livingston and St Mirren and, most damaging, a loss to Hibernian. Can you explain this?

CL: Well, results aren’t everything. 

DI Fleming: What about the 5-0 hammering from Livingston just before Christmas?

CL: I actually believe we’ve played quite well in most of these games. We’ve just been unlucky. And we’ve had a helluva lot of injuries.

TH: I agree, you’ve had more than your fair share of injuries. But with the size of the squad you built during last summer these can’t be described as wholly mitigating circumstances. 

AB: You also need to remember Mr Levein’s own personal issues. He had a health scare back in September. 

TH: Granted. Although the evidence we’ve collated suggests Hearts supporters have a health scare every time they read Mr Levein’s team selection.

DS Arnott: Why did you let talented young players such as Anthony McDonald, Dario Zanatta and Bobby Burns go out on loan? 

CL: They are good young players. They were showing the rest of the team up.

TH: Hmm. Continue please, DS Arnott.

DS Arnott: Item 2 in your folders. You will see from the screen a range of numbers: 4-2-1-2-1; 5-3-1-1; 3-5-1-1; 6-3-1-0; Can you explain what these numbers mean?

CL: I, erm, I…

TH: Just be like Arnaud Djoum and take all the time in the world.

CL (after a pause to sip from a glass of water) It looks like they’re my tactics for some of the games we’ve played recently.

TH: Uh-huh. Is the 6-3-1-0 formation the one you use when visiting Celtic Park and Ibrox?

CL: Yes.

DS Arnott: As a Celtic fan I can confirm this is the case. Hearts barely cross the halfway line.

TH: DS Arnott, I would remind you that you are in character and not Martin Compston for the purpose of this interview.

DS Arnott: Sorry, sir.

TH: So, Mr Levein, how do you account for this lack of adventure when visiting Glasgow?

CL: Well, Celtic and Rangers are big boys and have more money and better players than I have.

TH: DI Fleming, continue please.

DI Fleming: Item 3 in your folders. A photograph of one Craig Wighton.

TH: Mr Levein, can you confirm you signed Mr Wighton from Dundee? 

CL: Yes, I did.

TH: And have you seen Mr Wighton recently?

CL: I saw him last Saturday.

TH: That’s an interesting comment, fella, because no one else has had sight nor sound of him. Particularly opposition defenders who have told this inquiry they’ve never seen him before. This is also borne out by our interviews with thousands of Hearts supporters.

CL: Well, he is on the field. I can assure you of that.

DS Arnott: Item 4 in your folders. A photograph of one Conor Shaughnessy.

TH: Mr Levein, can you confirm you also signed Mr Shaughnessy from Leeds United on loan?

CL: Yes, I did.

TH: Dear, Mother of God. There’s a line. It’s called right and wrong and I know which side my duty lies, so why don’t you write a nice letter of resignation to Mrs Budge or I swear to God I will join the thousands of Hearts supporters protesting vehemently about the performances from the team they love?!

CL (looks at his mobile phone under his desk) Types ‘urgent exit needed’

Gary Locke appears from nowhere and drags CL from the room. At the back of the room, John Robertson smiles and shakes his head knowingly.

To be continued….