Fancy a Bite?

This may look like a scene from a Hollywood film but it is actually an

image captured by the Royal Navy during an exercise off the coast of

South Africa. I can only hope the fella was okay - and had a clean change of underwear...

Millionth English Word Declared

A US web monitoring firm has declared the millionth English word to be Web 2.0, a term for the latest generation of web products and services. Global Language Monitor (GLM) searches the internet for newly coined terms, and once a word or phrase has been used 25,000 times, it recognises it.

From the BBC News Website

Web 2.0. That's a strange one. Or two point zero. There are a few words in Scotland that are used considerably more that 25,000 times but aren't considered 'English'. I'm sure, dear reader, you can imagine what some of these words are. Inspired by Billy Connolly's sketch about pretend swear words, here are a few words and phrases I use you wouldn't find in any Oxford English Dictionary - or US web monitoring firm...

Bassa: a derogatory term used as an expression of anger. As when the number 86 bus fails to turn up for the eighth day in succession 'First Bus, you're nothing but a bunch of useless bassas...

Nade: used when describing someone as particularly slow or even inert. As in jeezo, mate, have you not got the drinks in yet? I've seen Christian Nade move quicker than you. Also used in relation to being lazy, lacking in enthusiasm and general malaise. In Scots terms, cannae be ersed...

Gettaefalkirk: commonly used as a way of declining an offer. As in being asked to work overtime on a Saturday - 'You know what you can do - you can gettaefalkirk'

Pissupinabrewery: a term used quite regularly, particularly when lauding the efforts of local councils. 'I see, Jim, that Midlothian Council are installing another set of temporary traffic lights in Dalkeith while they dig up the road they resurfaced last month.'
'Aye, see thae cooncillors? They couldnae organise a pissupinabrewery...

Jaiket on a Shoogly Peg: a Scots Human Resources term to indicate an employee has been found guilty of a misdemeanour so serious they have been issued with a final written warning.

Yer Tea's Oot: another Scots Human Resources term, used when the employee fails to take heed of the above warning and ends up being dismissed.

That's enough made up words from me.

What Does Home Mean to You?

From film festivals to football tournaments, comedy nights to carnivals, exhibitions, workshops, parties and much, much more, Refugee Week Scotland (15-21 June 2009) is an exciting programme of events happening across the country to celebrate diversity and raise awareness of refugee issues. This year the theme of Refugee Week is HOME. For many refugees and asylum seekers, a new home in Scotland means safety from persecution and a life without fear. But what does home mean to you?

For me home is…

Chilling Out: Sitting in the garden on a warm, sunny weekend with a few bottles of chilled cider, a good book and some belting Ska music on the IPod. Much as I love Edinburgh there's something chilling about escaping the thronging masses in Scotland's capital city and just sitting in solitude watching the world go by...

Family: Spending time with Jack and Hannah, my two loveable grandchildren aka the brats. Although I do fear for the world they are being brought up in, they are still at an innocent age and love and affection pour out at every opportunity...

A Bacon Roll and a Lie-In!: After a hard week at work, Saturday morning is bliss. The weekend lies ahead and having a bacon roll and a lie in lets you believe that, for a few hours at least, the world is a wondrous place...

Football on a Saturday: When the mighty Heart of Midlothian aren't playing at home, I enjoy sitting watching Jeff Stelling and the boys on Sky Sports News giving the nation the rolling football results on a Saturday afternoon. A simple pleasure, perhaps - but a pleasure nonetheless. Particularly when I'm waiting for my fixed odds coupon to come up (which it seldom does!) When Hearts are playing at Tynecastle and the game actually kicks off at 3.00pm on a Saturday, the pre-match atmosphere, weaving through crowds in Gorgie, the pre-match pint, the anticipation...sometimes this is better than the game itself! Okay - this is Hearts being at home but you get the jist.

The joys of home. What does home mean to you?

Britain's Oldest Man

The UK's oldest man and one of Britain's two surviving WWI veterans has turned 113. Henry Allingham joined the Royal Navy Air Service in September 1915 before transferring to the RAF in April 1918. The Royal Navy hosted a birthday party on HMS President in London for his family, close friends and members of the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force. Mr Allingham, who lives in East Sussex, said he was looking forward to being a teenager again. The birthday is another landmark for a man who is the last surviving founder member of the RAF and whose life has spanned three centuries and six monarchs.

From the BBC News Website

Three cheers for Mr Allingham! In a country where many MPs fiddle expenses to the cost of the taxpayer, the cult of 'celebrity' is king, respect is conspicuous by its absence and moral decline is in acceleration, here is a man who has served his country in two world wars and has done the nation proud. I particularly liked his comment that he was looking forward to being a teenager again. With five grandchildren, twelve great-grandchildren, fourteen great-great grandchildren and one great-great-great grandchild it must cost him a bloody fortune.

As well as being Britain's oldest man, Mr Allingham is the only person still alive to remember Hibernian winning the Scottish Cup and Adullamite opening his wallet...

Happy Birthday, Sir - Britain salutes you!

Stop the World...

...I want to get off.

Apparently Big Brother is about to begin once again on Channel Four in the UK. No sooner does Britain's Got (nae) Talent draw to its tedious conclusion than another daily dosage of tedious television begins with a bunch of extrovert chancers bearing their ignorant souls to the nation. They call it reality television but, in reality, it is really televisual diarrhoea.

Many youngsters will love it, of course, but for many of my age it's more evidence of the decline of television which used to inform, educate and entertain. Yet huge crowds will gather outside 'the house', millions of people will watch the 'housemates' wandering aimlessly round 'the house' before spending the cost of a small mortgage telephoning Channel Four to get one of them 'evicted'. As if that wasn't enough, there's live coverage on E4 during the night so you can watch and hear the more uncouth 'housemates' scratch and fart in bed under the duvet.

Damn it, there's not even any football to go to now it's the close season. I may disappear to a darkened room until August...

Someone Out There...

...in the north of England - and my site tracker suggests it's in the Durham area - is spending a lot of time reading my inane ramblings...

Come out, come out, whoever you are!

Words of Wisdom...

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

*thanks to my good pal Lizzy in the Hei'lands for these!