Automatic Schmuck

Back in the mists of time – circa 1985 – my manager at my place of work in Aberdeen told me our office was getting a personal computer.

‘A what?’ I cried. ‘There’s no chance of me using it’ I protested. ‘I know nothing about computers and I ain’t using one’

A thin smile crossed his face. ‘You’d better get used to it, Mike. In years to come computers will rule the world’ Alas, my old boss has proved to be correct.

Now, computers are nearly everywhere you go – resulting in the depersonalisation of society.

You go to the supermarket. At the checkout, there are rows of self-service tills, all with the same annoying voice and all ‘thanking you for shopping at Tesco’. I steadfastly refuse to use these things, preferring the human touch, even if it is a grouchy woman on the till checking her mobile phone in between scanning my goods purchased.

If you’re travelling by train and are brave enough to use ScotRail there’s no escape. The automated tannoy announcements at Edinburgh’s Waverley Station spit out which trains are departing from which platforms.

‘The-next-train-to-depart-from-platform-14-will-be-the…..0930-hours-service-to…. Glasgow-Queen-Street-calling-at-Falkirk-High-and-Croy…’ The human touch of someone actually reading this in ‘real-time’ (another phrase I deplore) has long since been shunted into a siding.

To purchase a ticket, you can still go to a manned desk but it’s clear the rail authorities would much rather you use one of the countless ticket machines dotted around the concourse.

Even on the train, automation takes over. Another loud and obtrusive automated voice will bawl ‘This-train-is-for-Glasgow-Queen-Street-the-next-station-is-Falkirk-High’ followed by ‘Please-mind-the-gap-when-alighting-this-train’. Occasionally, the ticket inspector will trawl the carriages asking to see tickets and passes and it’s almost a relief to see a human face.

Domestically, if you need to phone the gas/electric/broadband provider/insurance company etc inevitably you are giving a plethora of menu options to navigate first.

‘Press 1 for billing enquiries; Press 2 for order status; Press 3 for service information; Press 4 if you wish to tell us about a change of address…or, if you really have to, press 5 and one of our agents will deal with your enquiry.’ But if you think pressing 5 will immediately put you in contact with a human, think again. ‘Thank you. Our agents are very busy right now and you are in queue position number…5. You may wish to call back when we’re less busy…’

Even a mundane task such as visiting your GP – and, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m not a well man, although I don’t like to talk about it – has now succumbed to the robots. When visiting the surgery, I no longer need to converse with the friendly receptionist behind the counter. I just tap a large screen attached to the wall and confirm my date of birth (I’m not saying I’m old, but it takes a few moments for me to scroll down the year field on the screen). ‘Are you Michael Smith?’ displays an on-screen message? Tap yes and another message tells you to take a seat. I despair.

I know we’re in the digital age and businesses are always looking for much more efficient ways of doing things aka to save money. But it seems to me that social exchanges in everyday life are becoming more of a rarity these days. And while I suspect some people may run a mile rather than converse with me, to me this is a sad reflection on today’s impatient, far-too-busy society.

Now, for feedback on this post please comment with:

1-     If you’ve enjoyed it

2-     If you feel you’ve just wasted the last few minutes

3-     If you think it’s been the usual tirade of tiresome rubbish

Musical Review: Club Tropicana

There seems to be something of a 1980s revival these days which, given some of the music and fashion from the decade that style forgot is something of a surprise. But if you still hanker after the days of legwarmers, white tee-shirts adorned with huge slogans and mobile phones the size of a large brick then Club Tropicana the Musical is for you.

It’s a show that’s been described as the Love Island of the 1980s (don’t ask, that’s lost on me too) and it bounced into Edinburgh on Tuesday evening for the first of a run of shows that end on Saturday. Innuendo abounds; camp is all around; and there’s love stories with rather predictable endings. But for all that, I loved it!

The main character is Garry, played with such energetic style by former X-Factor winner Joe McElderry. The story is set in Club Tropicana, a hotel for which the name chaos could have been invented. McElderry hams the action delightfully and has developed a comedic persona which comes to the fore in this entertaining romp through the 1980s.

Alongside McElderry is the brilliant Kate Robbins who plays the hotel maid Consuela. Robbins, of course, made her name as an impressionist of some ability, having contributed to one of the top sketch shows of the 1980s, the puppet satire that was ITV’s Spitting Image. Robbins has not lost her mimicry skills and she revels in ‘doing’ stars such as Tina Turner, Shirley Bassey and Liverpool’s singer turned prime-time 80s telly presenter Cilla Black. Robbins, for me, is the star of the show and she had the Playhouse audience in hoots of laughter.

The role of Serena, the hotel manager, is played by Amelle Berrabah, once of The Sugababes (who, I’m reliably informed, were an all-girl pop band) and while she isn’t as prominent as McElderry and Robbins, still provides one of the highlights of the evening with a spine-tingling version of the Yahoo classic Only You (Berrabah overcame a small technical issue at the start of the song quite brilliantly) Serena has her eyes on Rob, who was due to be played by Neil McDermott, a former EastEnders actor, but, on Tuesday’s performance was played by understudy Nye Rees.

During these troubled times, Club Tropicana will take you back to more innocent days and it’s clear the cast love performing and stomping out the instantly recognisable numbers from three decades ago. Like all good shows this is reflected in the feel-good factor that envelopes the show and there’s every chance you’ll leave the theatre with at least one of those 1980s hits buzzing around in your head for the rest of the evening. 

Girls Just Want to Have Fun, She Drives Me Crazy, The Look of Love, Don’t Go, Jump, Making Your Mind up (with a wee twist on the legendary Bucks Fizz tearing the skirts away routine) and many others will have you looking out your old Sony Walkman when you get home.

Club Tropicana is literally a blast from the past. It’s on at the Edinburgh Playhouse until Saturday 15^th June 2019. 

A Message for the Missus

This should get me some Brownie points...

Theatre Review: The Mousetrap

The Mousetrap has made it name as the longest-running West End show ever, having run continuously since 1952 – before even I was born! So, when it was announced that this iconic theatrical production was heading to Edinburgh’s Playhouse, it was an event that I felt had to be seen. And, let me say at the beginning, I wasn’t disappointed.

It’s entirely appropriate that Agatha Christie’s classic ‘whodunnit’ has come to Edinburgh. The legendary author married her second husband Max Mallowan at St Cuthbert’s Church at the foot of Lothian Road in 1930 so there has always been an association with the author to Scotland’s capital city. 

Given the nature of the play, I won’t spoil things for those who haven’t yet seen it. The plot is the aftermath of a murder in London. Monkswell Manor, a guest house run by young married couple Giles and Mollie Ralston, welcomes five guests who, upon first impressions, don’t appear to have any connections with each other. Some of the guests are expected, some are not, due to a heavy snowstorm. 

Then the telephone rings. A woman has been murdered in London and the murderer is on the run. The police are warning there is a killer in the vicinity of the guest house and the newly arrived guests are in danger. Who will escape the clutches of the killer? Who is the killer? Is it one of the newly arrived guests?

You’ll need to see the show to find out. 

The characters are, as you might expect, an eclectic bunch with a cantankerous elderly woman, a retired army general and a superbly camp young bachelor. Fans of the classic BBC sitcom Only Fools and Horses will recognise the elderly woman, Mrs Boyle, as Gwyneth Strong who played Rodney Trotter’s wife Cassandra in the hit show.  Geoff Arnold gives a strong performance as the army general as does Lewis Chandler who plays Christopher Wren but the star of the show, in my opinion, is David Alcock who plays the mildly eccentric Mr Paravicini, a character who offers more questions than answers.

As you might expect with an Agatha Christie story, there are no gimmicks or elaborate production features. It’s just good, old-fashioned, edge of your seat quality acting which keeps you hooked throughout. Without giving too much away, the killer reveals themselves to the audience towards the end of the show – and asks the audience to keep the revelation to themselves! I will say nothing more other than, given the characters and one of the cast involved, there’s more than a hint of irony!

The Mousetrap is a high-quality production of a classic Agatha Christie story. It flits between dark humour and suspense and is well worth a visit. But you’d better be quick – the show is only on until this Wednesday!

The Mousetrap is on at the Edinburgh Playhouse until Wednesday 29^th May. 

Two of a Kind

Yesterday saw daughter number one celebrate her 33rd birthday. It doesn't seem that nearly a third of a century has passed since I packed a case for my wife at the time, all ready for the day she was due to give birth, in order she could rush straight to Aberdeen's Maternity Hospital.

On that morning, back in 1986, I awoke my wife and asked if she was okay. She replied she felt absolutely fine.

Would she mind if I went to the Aberdeen-Hearts game that day? Of course not she smiled.

She wasn't smiling 12 hours later when I returned home. I omitted to say the game wasn't being played in Aberdeen. As it was the Scottish Cup final it was in Glasgow - 140 miles away...

But daughter Laura did her bit to save my skin my delaying her entrance to the world by a full week. So, there was no harm done...

Laura now has four children of her own. The oldest, Jack is 14 years old. The youngest, Daniel is just 7 months old. As you might detect from the photos below, there is an uncanny resemblance...

Jack 2005

Daniel 2019

Line of Duty Extra: AC-12 Visits Tynecastle

The excellent BBC1 series Line of Duty ended its fifth series on Sunday evening. However, there is one additional programme which hasn’t aired. Yet…

Scene 1: A conference suite in the new main stand at Tynecastle Park, Edinburgh. Superintendent Ted Hastings is seated, flanked by two senior members of his AC-12 team. Enter Hearts manager Craig Levein accompanied by his legal representative Ann Budge.

TH: Interview commenced 1600 hours. Chaired by Superintendent Hastings, assisted by DI Fleming and DS Arnott. For the tape can you please confirm your name and role.

CL: Craig Levein. Manager of Heart of Midlothian Football Club.

TH: Thank you. This is to confirm, Mr Levein, that this interview is connection with your competency to manage one of Scotland’s leading football clubs. DI Fleming, can you commence proceedings please.

DI Fleming: Item 1 in your folders. This is Hearts record in the last six months which shows just six wins during this time. As someone in charge of one of the top football clubs in Scotland, can you explain this abysmal record?

AB: I must insist you withdraw the word ‘abysmal’. 

TH: Oh? And what word would you use to describe the team’s recent form?

AB: I prefer ‘consistent’. 

TH: Dear Mother of God. Continue DI Fleming.

DI Fleming: This period of ‘abysmal consistency’ includes home defeats to Dundee, Kilmarnock (twice); draws with Livingston and St Mirren and, most damaging, a loss to Hibernian. Can you explain this?

CL: Well, results aren’t everything. 

DI Fleming: What about the 5-0 hammering from Livingston just before Christmas?

CL: I actually believe we’ve played quite well in most of these games. We’ve just been unlucky. And we’ve had a helluva lot of injuries.

TH: I agree, you’ve had more than your fair share of injuries. But with the size of the squad you built during last summer these can’t be described as wholly mitigating circumstances. 

AB: You also need to remember Mr Levein’s own personal issues. He had a health scare back in September. 

TH: Granted. Although the evidence we’ve collated suggests Hearts supporters have a health scare every time they read Mr Levein’s team selection.

DS Arnott: Why did you let talented young players such as Anthony McDonald, Dario Zanatta and Bobby Burns go out on loan? 

CL: They are good young players. They were showing the rest of the team up.

TH: Hmm. Continue please, DS Arnott.

DS Arnott: Item 2 in your folders. You will see from the screen a range of numbers: 4-2-1-2-1; 5-3-1-1; 3-5-1-1; 6-3-1-0; Can you explain what these numbers mean?

CL: I, erm, I…

TH: Just be like Arnaud Djoum and take all the time in the world.

CL (after a pause to sip from a glass of water) It looks like they’re my tactics for some of the games we’ve played recently.

TH: Uh-huh. Is the 6-3-1-0 formation the one you use when visiting Celtic Park and Ibrox?

CL: Yes.

DS Arnott: As a Celtic fan I can confirm this is the case. Hearts barely cross the halfway line.

TH: DS Arnott, I would remind you that you are in character and not Martin Compston for the purpose of this interview.

DS Arnott: Sorry, sir.

TH: So, Mr Levein, how do you account for this lack of adventure when visiting Glasgow?

CL: Well, Celtic and Rangers are big boys and have more money and better players than I have.

TH: DI Fleming, continue please.

DI Fleming: Item 3 in your folders. A photograph of one Craig Wighton.

TH: Mr Levein, can you confirm you signed Mr Wighton from Dundee? 

CL: Yes, I did.

TH: And have you seen Mr Wighton recently?

CL: I saw him last Saturday.

TH: That’s an interesting comment, fella, because no one else has had sight nor sound of him. Particularly opposition defenders who have told this inquiry they’ve never seen him before. This is also borne out by our interviews with thousands of Hearts supporters.

CL: Well, he is on the field. I can assure you of that.

DS Arnott: Item 4 in your folders. A photograph of one Conor Shaughnessy.

TH: Mr Levein, can you confirm you also signed Mr Shaughnessy from Leeds United on loan?

CL: Yes, I did.

TH: Dear, Mother of God. There’s a line. It’s called right and wrong and I know which side my duty lies, so why don’t you write a nice letter of resignation to Mrs Budge or I swear to God I will join the thousands of Hearts supporters protesting vehemently about the performances from the team they love?!

CL (looks at his mobile phone under his desk) Types ‘urgent exit needed’

Gary Locke appears from nowhere and drags CL from the room. At the back of the room, John Robertson smiles and shakes his head knowingly.

To be continued….

A Moving Story

The love of Marion's life - not me, but this fella...

They say among the most stressful things you can do in life is getting a new job, getting divorced and moving to a new house. The last few weeks has seen my levels of stress increase substantially as Marion and I have moved to a new abode. During the packing of various bits and bobs the other week, it crossed my mind there may be grounds for divorce. I’m not talking about arguing with she-who-must-be-obeyed (I wouldn’t dare) but rather what she took with her to our new home.

The present Mrs Smith was browsing through her record collection and deciding which discs she would like to keep for posterity and those she would like to throw out.  The Osmonds, Black Lace, The Dooleys, erm, Max Bygraves...there was a strong smell of cheese emanating from the spare room. She has the original ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ recordings on vinyl which you can pay a small fortune for in some music stores where vinyl has made a comeback. I was contemplating the wisdom of marrying someone who has such dubious musical taste when, from the ‘collection’, Marion produced another couple of gems (bear with me)

The two gems referred to were – would you believe – football related and were from Scotland’s ill-fated world cup campaigns of years gone by.

Comedian Andy Cameron became famous (or should that be infamous) for his song – although I use the term loosely – Ally’s Tartan Army, the anthem of Scotland’s doomed World Cup campaign of 1978 in Argentina and homage to the manager of the national team at that time Ally MacLeod (it’s okay – you don’t need to dive under the bed). Marion still has the record – possibly one of only a handful of people who still do. In fact, she not only has a copy but it’s a signed copy, with the bold Andy’s signature scribbled over the cover. I was somewhat taken aback by this but the reason she has a signed copy has faded somewhat from her memory. For that perhaps I should be thankful.

As if this wasn’t enough, she then produced another record from Scotland’s next doomed World Cup campaign in Spain in 1982. ‘We Have a Dream’ was sung – again, I use the term loosely – by the Scotland squad by way of taking their minds off the prospect of facing Brazil in Seville. The opening lyric – ‘I awoke in the night with a fever’ may well have been prominent in goalkeeper Alan Rough’s mind as he watched goal after Brazilian goal flash past him as the Scots lost 4-1. However, it’s another line from the song that summed up Scotland’s tale of woe – ‘that’s no the ball yer kickin' ya eejit, it’s me!’ could easily describe defenders Alan Hansen and Willie Miller clattering into each other to allow Russia to score and therefore eliminate the Scots in the final group game. Terrible defending, as Mr Hansen was prone to say when he turned BBC Match of the Day pundit several years later.

Quite why my wife had this particular record in her collection isn’t entirely clear. She certainly can’t remember buying it and could only surmise her late father had purchased the recording back in 1982. 

Both songs have been consigned to the depths of my subconscious mind - have I mentioned I’m a hypnotherapist? Contact me if you have any unwanted habits…but it’s surprising what events can bring such tortuous memories back to the forefront of one’s mind. 

Every cloud has a silver lining. The only positive thing one can take from Scotland’s continual failure over the past 20 years and more to qualify for the finals of a major tournament is that we don’t have to put up with corny – okay, awful – songs recorded by football players who sound like a street full of cats on heat. And there have been some stinkers in decades gone by. Rod Stewart probably doesn’t need reminding of his Ole Ola effort – ‘we’re going to bring the World Cup back from over thar’ and there are many others which make you want to head to a darkened room when you hear them again.  

The last few days have been an ideal opportunity to throw out so much unused rubbish accumulated over the years. However, not only has Marion insisted on taking those recordings by The Osmonds, The Dooleys and Max Bygraves with her to our spanking new home, she’s taking those World Cup ditties with her.

They’re sitting alongside my treasured recording of the Hearts Song from 1986…