Back in 1990 during the World Cup Finals in Italy, Paul Gascoigne, occasional footballer, wife beater and drunk, let his emotions get the better of him during England's semi-final with West Germany and cried as the referee booked him. His reaction was based on the fact this wasn't any ordinary booking - because of his indiscipline earlier in the tournament this booking meant he would miss the World Cup Final if England were to get there - which, of course, they didn't. Nearly two decades on, Gascoigne was in tears again last weekend but this time for a more understandable reason - the death of his mentor Sir Bobby Robson, the man who was in charge of England at the time of Gascoigne's indiscretion.
I read recently about one of those studies that are carried out for no particular reason which stated that 25 per cent of men admitting to crying once a month and letting the floodgates open. I would hazard a guess and say that none of the men interviewed for this research were Scots. Because in the male-dominated Scottish culture it simply goes against the grain for a man to show his emotions. Crying is for babies, women and wimps.
We all suffer heartache and tragedy at some point in our lives. It seems to be a Scots trait that men don't show how much they suffer. Twelve years ago when my father died suddenly and unexpectedly at just 58 years of age, I was an emotional wreck. But in the highly charged weeks that followed, I chewed on my lower lip and kept the tears at bay - at least in public. Alone and in the still of the middle of the night my tears flowed but I was damn sure I wasn't going to let anyone, not even my wife, be aware of this. Why this was the case I don't know.
Three months ago tears flowed aplenty when my daughter Michaela helped to bury her fiance after his even more unexpected death at the age of 21. But the majority of men at the funeral and at the graveside kept themselves in check. My heart broke as I watched my daughter suffer but, again, I fought off the tears.
Yet we live in an age where public displays of emotion are far more commonplace that used to be the case. The death of Diana, Princess of Wales in 1997 - just six months after my father's passing - brought an outpouring of grief in this country that was unprecedented and certainly startled the Royal family. It now seems the norm whenever someone dies in an accident or is the victim of a fatal attack that flowers, teddy bears, football scarves and shirts are laid at the scene as a tribute. I don't remember this happening at all when I was growing up. Grief was a very private thing, something kept within one's one mind.
But it seems that many Scotsmen, certainly including me, are out of step with modern society. It would appear maintaining a stiff upper lip and being the strong, silent type is no longer viewed heroically. Rather, such behaviour is regarded as being an unfeeling, heartless person, a cold potato. The accepted view nowadays is that men are allowed to sob, admired, even, for doing so, when it is something important.
This time next week may well see Scots finally succumb and join the ranks of 'modern men' and wear our hearts on our collective sleeves. For if Scotland's footballers lose their World Cup qualifying tie in Norway, I suspect we'll all be in tears...
10 comments:
I confess I did not want to weep at my Mums funeral, and fought tears back as the coffin left.
However this was possibly because no other man showed emotion, though many felt it as unlike me she was missed by many!
Also today we are very emotional, too emotional, and the Diana farce did not help.
Also I have found in the last 20 I tend to weep far too easily, possibly because of tensions over this period, and have to control this.
The 'stiff upper lip' is not cold as the press would have us believe, (they need emotion to sell) it shows respect and keeps grief(and joy)within decent bounds.
Letting the wife know makes you stronger mind!
There's also the fact that, as long-suffering Hearts supporters, you and I have more to weep about than most!
I agree with Graham, I don't like to see men bawling everywhere. The way people act sets up a certain standard for society. I agree with Mike as well that weeping is normal and natural and that it should be allowed in certain circumstances. At least crying a bit when something terrible has happened. As for myself, it is hard for me to weep at funerals and such simply because I am too busy thinking about what is going on, and in some part I am in shock, so it is hard for me to weep. (Plus I hate not being able to think clearly and getting emotional gets me that way). I cry later when no one is watching as well. Good topic Mike!
SG
Mike, excellent post! Thank you.
I've seen many men cry in my day at some very sad and heartbreaking occasions. And fortunately I've seen a few tears of joy too.
I first started reading your blog around the time Michaela lost her fiance-- it was so sad. And I could tell from your words that your heart was breaking. Tears or not, you're no cold potato.
Fingers crossed for the World Cup :-)
It is such a great shame that far too many men have been taught that they need to keep their emotions hidden. For what is supposed to be meant as a show of strength comes across as cold indifference far too often.
Having said that, the tears that Gascoigne shed back in '90 were from being overwhelmed with shock and shame. For at that very moment, he sobered up enough to realize that he was running around in short pants playing soccer in front of millions of people.
I still get a lump in my throat when I pass the park bench where I sat down and finally 'let it all out' after my brother's death.
I'd still be uncomfortable about blubbing in public though - maintain the dignified 'stiff upper lip' and all that.
The other side of the coin is of course the awful and false emotional incontinence on display in the Diana / Jade Goody / Michael Jackson situations.
Mike you have expressed and shared yourself very profoundly in this post. It has come from a great depth within you.
I feel we have very little control over our emotions. Like we can't help who we fall in love with and we can't force ourselves to cry if we don't want to.
I rarely cry in public except when watching sad movies. The shower is the place I cry mostly.
Being a Cameron and from Scottish origin I will send all my light to the Scots in hope of a victory.
Hugs
Peggy :-D
I wasn't wrong about Scotland then...
Mike I am glad I didnt miss this post. This is a publishable piece and you should send it to some of the papers seriously. Scotland is a male dominated society and thats the thing I noticed when there. It surprised me. I think everyone should have a good cry its all ok. Maybe you could start the trend. You have been through so much lately and from your writing it was a heartbreaking time for you. Brilliant post, seriously you write so well and you have a high emotional IQ I bet.
Thank you Lilly, you're very kind.
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