Line of Duty Extra: AC-12 Visits Tynecastle

The excellent BBC1 series Line of Duty ended its fifth series on Sunday evening. However, there is one additional programme which hasn’t aired. Yet…

Scene 1: A conference suite in the new main stand at Tynecastle Park, Edinburgh. Superintendent Ted Hastings is seated, flanked by two senior members of his AC-12 team. Enter Hearts manager Craig Levein accompanied by his legal representative Ann Budge.

TH: Interview commenced 1600 hours. Chaired by Superintendent Hastings, assisted by DI Fleming and DS Arnott. For the tape can you please confirm your name and role.

CL: Craig Levein. Manager of Heart of Midlothian Football Club.

TH: Thank you. This is to confirm, Mr Levein, that this interview is connection with your competency to manage one of Scotland’s leading football clubs. DI Fleming, can you commence proceedings please.

DI Fleming: Item 1 in your folders. This is Hearts record in the last six months which shows just six wins during this time. As someone in charge of one of the top football clubs in Scotland, can you explain this abysmal record?

AB: I must insist you withdraw the word ‘abysmal’. 

TH: Oh? And what word would you use to describe the team’s recent form?

AB: I prefer ‘consistent’. 

TH: Dear Mother of God. Continue DI Fleming.

DI Fleming: This period of ‘abysmal consistency’ includes home defeats to Dundee, Kilmarnock (twice); draws with Livingston and St Mirren and, most damaging, a loss to Hibernian. Can you explain this?

CL: Well, results aren’t everything. 

DI Fleming: What about the 5-0 hammering from Livingston just before Christmas?

CL: I actually believe we’ve played quite well in most of these games. We’ve just been unlucky. And we’ve had a helluva lot of injuries.

TH: I agree, you’ve had more than your fair share of injuries. But with the size of the squad you built during last summer these can’t be described as wholly mitigating circumstances. 

AB: You also need to remember Mr Levein’s own personal issues. He had a health scare back in September. 

TH: Granted. Although the evidence we’ve collated suggests Hearts supporters have a health scare every time they read Mr Levein’s team selection.

DS Arnott: Why did you let talented young players such as Anthony McDonald, Dario Zanatta and Bobby Burns go out on loan? 

CL: They are good young players. They were showing the rest of the team up.

TH: Hmm. Continue please, DS Arnott.

DS Arnott: Item 2 in your folders. You will see from the screen a range of numbers: 4-2-1-2-1; 5-3-1-1; 3-5-1-1; 6-3-1-0; Can you explain what these numbers mean?

CL: I, erm, I…

TH: Just be like Arnaud Djoum and take all the time in the world.

CL (after a pause to sip from a glass of water) It looks like they’re my tactics for some of the games we’ve played recently.

TH: Uh-huh. Is the 6-3-1-0 formation the one you use when visiting Celtic Park and Ibrox?

CL: Yes.

DS Arnott: As a Celtic fan I can confirm this is the case. Hearts barely cross the halfway line.

TH: DS Arnott, I would remind you that you are in character and not Martin Compston for the purpose of this interview.

DS Arnott: Sorry, sir.

TH: So, Mr Levein, how do you account for this lack of adventure when visiting Glasgow?

CL: Well, Celtic and Rangers are big boys and have more money and better players than I have.

TH: DI Fleming, continue please.

DI Fleming: Item 3 in your folders. A photograph of one Craig Wighton.

TH: Mr Levein, can you confirm you signed Mr Wighton from Dundee? 

CL: Yes, I did.

TH: And have you seen Mr Wighton recently?

CL: I saw him last Saturday.

TH: That’s an interesting comment, fella, because no one else has had sight nor sound of him. Particularly opposition defenders who have told this inquiry they’ve never seen him before. This is also borne out by our interviews with thousands of Hearts supporters.

CL: Well, he is on the field. I can assure you of that.

DS Arnott: Item 4 in your folders. A photograph of one Conor Shaughnessy.

TH: Mr Levein, can you confirm you also signed Mr Shaughnessy from Leeds United on loan?

CL: Yes, I did.

TH: Dear, Mother of God. There’s a line. It’s called right and wrong and I know which side my duty lies, so why don’t you write a nice letter of resignation to Mrs Budge or I swear to God I will join the thousands of Hearts supporters protesting vehemently about the performances from the team they love?!

CL (looks at his mobile phone under his desk) Types ‘urgent exit needed’

Gary Locke appears from nowhere and drags CL from the room. At the back of the room, John Robertson smiles and shakes his head knowingly.

To be continued….

A Moving Story

The love of Marion's life - not me, but this fella...

They say among the most stressful things you can do in life is getting a new job, getting divorced and moving to a new house. The last few weeks has seen my levels of stress increase substantially as Marion and I have moved to a new abode. During the packing of various bits and bobs the other week, it crossed my mind there may be grounds for divorce. I’m not talking about arguing with she-who-must-be-obeyed (I wouldn’t dare) but rather what she took with her to our new home.

The present Mrs Smith was browsing through her record collection and deciding which discs she would like to keep for posterity and those she would like to throw out.  The Osmonds, Black Lace, The Dooleys, erm, Max Bygraves...there was a strong smell of cheese emanating from the spare room. She has the original ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ recordings on vinyl which you can pay a small fortune for in some music stores where vinyl has made a comeback. I was contemplating the wisdom of marrying someone who has such dubious musical taste when, from the ‘collection’, Marion produced another couple of gems (bear with me)

The two gems referred to were – would you believe – football related and were from Scotland’s ill-fated world cup campaigns of years gone by.

Comedian Andy Cameron became famous (or should that be infamous) for his song – although I use the term loosely – Ally’s Tartan Army, the anthem of Scotland’s doomed World Cup campaign of 1978 in Argentina and homage to the manager of the national team at that time Ally MacLeod (it’s okay – you don’t need to dive under the bed). Marion still has the record – possibly one of only a handful of people who still do. In fact, she not only has a copy but it’s a signed copy, with the bold Andy’s signature scribbled over the cover. I was somewhat taken aback by this but the reason she has a signed copy has faded somewhat from her memory. For that perhaps I should be thankful.

As if this wasn’t enough, she then produced another record from Scotland’s next doomed World Cup campaign in Spain in 1982. ‘We Have a Dream’ was sung – again, I use the term loosely – by the Scotland squad by way of taking their minds off the prospect of facing Brazil in Seville. The opening lyric – ‘I awoke in the night with a fever’ may well have been prominent in goalkeeper Alan Rough’s mind as he watched goal after Brazilian goal flash past him as the Scots lost 4-1. However, it’s another line from the song that summed up Scotland’s tale of woe – ‘that’s no the ball yer kickin' ya eejit, it’s me!’ could easily describe defenders Alan Hansen and Willie Miller clattering into each other to allow Russia to score and therefore eliminate the Scots in the final group game. Terrible defending, as Mr Hansen was prone to say when he turned BBC Match of the Day pundit several years later.

Quite why my wife had this particular record in her collection isn’t entirely clear. She certainly can’t remember buying it and could only surmise her late father had purchased the recording back in 1982. 

Both songs have been consigned to the depths of my subconscious mind - have I mentioned I’m a hypnotherapist? Contact me if you have any unwanted habits…but it’s surprising what events can bring such tortuous memories back to the forefront of one’s mind. 

Every cloud has a silver lining. The only positive thing one can take from Scotland’s continual failure over the past 20 years and more to qualify for the finals of a major tournament is that we don’t have to put up with corny – okay, awful – songs recorded by football players who sound like a street full of cats on heat. And there have been some stinkers in decades gone by. Rod Stewart probably doesn’t need reminding of his Ole Ola effort – ‘we’re going to bring the World Cup back from over thar’ and there are many others which make you want to head to a darkened room when you hear them again.  

The last few days have been an ideal opportunity to throw out so much unused rubbish accumulated over the years. However, not only has Marion insisted on taking those recordings by The Osmonds, The Dooleys and Max Bygraves with her to our spanking new home, she’s taking those World Cup ditties with her.

They’re sitting alongside my treasured recording of the Hearts Song from 1986…

Review: Matilda Is A Must-See

Roald Dahl was one of the most prominent British novelist, poet and screenwriters of the 20^th century so when one of his many books – Matilda – inspired a musical it carried with it a ‘must-see’ tag. 

Matilda the Musical, from the Royal Shakespeare Company, opened at the Edinburgh Playhouse this week and as the winner of a multitude of awards worldwide its reputation went before it.

Dahl’s book was written in 1988 and has a thoroughly modern feel to it. I’m usually rather wary of musicals based on books – the beauty of the written word is it is left to one’s imagination to envisage the story – but this musical certainly does it justice.

Matilda Wormwood, played quite brilliantly by Scarlett Cecil, is a five-year-old girl of unusual precocity with astonishing intellectual abilities - not that this impresses her parents, played Rebecca Thornhill and Sebastien Torkia, loveable but intellectually challenged (‘you’re reading books? What’s wrong with the telly?!’) Matilda gets up to all kinds of pranks such as gluing her father’s hat to his head and bleaching her pater’s hair in acts of reprisal for her parents being so horrible to her. 

At school she forms a friendship with teacher Miss Jennifer Honey, played by Carly Thoms. However, the school’s headmistress, the tyrannical Agatha Trunchbull, brilliantly played by Elliot Harper is as equally unimpressed by Matilda’s unique talent as Mr and Mrs Wormwood who are of the notion they wish their child hadn’t been born at all. Mr Wormwood refers to Matilda throughout as ‘boy’. 

Trunchbull dislikes the children at her school – in fact, she dislikes all children and threatens them with all kinds of punishment. 

Matilda’s running fabricated story to library worker Mrs Phelps, played by Michelle Chantwell Hopewell, about an escapologist and acrobat underpins the show. There are frequent scenes with Mrs Phelps in the library, sat on a stool whilst battling with her emotions as Matilda relays chapter after chapter of the story of the two characters she has contrived. Or has she contrived? There’s a wee twist in the tale towards the end.

Matilda displays a mischievous streak throughout, but this is underpinned by a sense of innocence – and as a grandfather of five little horrors I understand this all too well!

The musical is energetic from the start. The opening number – ‘My mummy says I’m a miracle’ - is chanted with gusto by the ensemble and gets the show off to a feet-stomping start.

Most of the action takes place at Matilda’s school and the superb School Song with its dazzling visuals and choreography is one of the highlights of the evening. The songs fit the story perfectly with numbers such as When I Grow Up, Telly, The Smell of Rebellion and My House.

Matilda the Musical has everything one wants from a night at the theatre.  It is emotive, energetic, very funny and visually spectacular. All of the cast are superb, but a special mention must go to the leading lady. Scarlett Cecil was absolutely faultless as Matilda and worthy of the standing ovation she received at the end of the show. Here’s a young lady who is bound for stardom. 

With the Easter holidays looming this would be the ideal show to take your children to – they will love it. They may laugh, they may even feel they want to cry but, above all, they will feel thoroughly entertained. Roald Dahl died in 1990 but his legacy lives on. Had he still been around to see this musical adaptation, I have no doubt he would have approved.

Matilda the Musical is on at the Edinburgh Playhouse until Saturday 27^th April 2019. 

Can't Get Used To Losing Ranking Roger

Photo: flickr.com

Those who know me know my love for ska music. The news that Ranking Roger, lead singer of legendary ska band The Beat, has died after a period of illness was like a dagger to my heart.

I loved The Beat. I'm proud to say I've seen them many times over the years. Their sublime musical talent, their ceaseless energy, their gift of being able to lift one's spirits when they are at their lowest will be with me forever.  Songs such as Mirror In The Bathroom, Hands Off She's Mine, Too Nice To Talk To, Doors Of Your Heart - became classic numbers. They also did superb cover versions of Can't Get Used To Losing You and Tears Of A Clown.

Ranking Roger - real name Roger Charlery - was a ska icon, bouncing across the stage with boundless energy. His call to the many fans who adored him during gigs - 'RUDE boys....RUDE girls' was greeted with tumultuous cheering and the band would reel off their classic numbers while the audience danced along and lapped up the raucous atmosphere.

It was what The Beat did best. Their music invoked a feelgood factor and I have never been to one of their gigs which I didn't enjoy or feel so much better afterwards.

Roger was just 56 years old - a year younger than I am which underlines that none of us are immune from tragedy. In recent years, his son Ranking Junior, joined him on stage and it was obvious the influence his father had on him.

A few years ago when The Beat were playing in Edinburgh - if my memory serves me correctly it was at the Picture House venue, now a damned pub at the foot of Lothian Road - I was standing at the bar before the gig when Roger suddenly appeared. He was courteous, friendly and nothing was too much trouble for him with fans eager to be seen with the great man and shake his hand, as I did. It was a moment I'll never forget.

As The Beat memorably sang, 'Can't Get Used to Losing You' it's a song which all too sadly rings true today.

Rest easy, Rude Boy.

A Test of Endurance

Chatting with my dear old mother last night she remarked that, on this day in 1959, she married my father. This would have been their diamond wedding anniversary were it not for the fact that a) they split up ten years later; b) they got divorced in 1970; c) father died suddenly in 1997 aged just 58.

Mother did recall that her new groom decided to read out the result of the Grand National during his wedding speech which was, perhaps, a sign of things to come (it was won by Oxo at 8/1  - mother felt she was made a laughing stock...) Legend has it he married again in 1973  - on the same date to another woman who had the same name. That marriage didn't last either...

My mother is of the opinion I have many of my father's traits which I don't think is meant as a compliment. The fact that when I re-married four years ago I read out the result of the Hearts game played that day is neither here or there.

The fate of my parents marriage impacted on the life I would have. My mother remarked as much last night.

'If we hadn't got divorced I wouldn't have left Cumbernauld and taken you north to Aberdeen' she said. True.

'Then you wouldn't have met Pat (my first wife)'. True again.

'You wouldn't have had your daughters Laura and Michaela'. Indeed.

'And you wouldn't have your five little horrors grandchildren' Hmm.

'And it's unlikely you would have ever met Marion and got married again'.

At this point I asked her a question.

'Why the hell couldn't you and my father have stayed together...?'

😜😜😜😜

Hope

There never seems to be a week that goes by without news of innocent people being killed by guns or some terrorist atrocity. Today's awful news from Christchurch, New Zealand is sickening. 49 people gunned down in a place of worship.

I don't know what possesses someone to kill people in the way that happened on the other side of the world. What I do know is life has changed forever for those families and loved ones affected by this atrocity. Shock, anger, resentment, helplessness and an underlying feeling of why?

It can be so easy to lose hope when something like this happens. I give thanks that none of my family have ever been caught up in such an atrocity. Therefore, I can't say I can understand what those families and loved ones are going through right now and in the days, months and years ahead. No one can - except them.

That great singer Morrissey once sang there is a light that never goes out. In these darkest of days it's easy to dismiss that and believe light will never shine again for those left devastated in Christchurch.

All we can do is hope for a better world. Without hope we will all be in the dark...

A Birthday Greet

When you get to my age you don't really bother about birthdays. I reached 57 years last Tuesday which isn't worth shouting about. However, it would have been nice if some members of my family had shown me a smidgeon of respect on the day. Below are two of the birthday cards I received:

The card on the left has the badge of Hibernian FC on it - Marion's Hibs supporting cousin thought it a good idea to send me this. This possibly had something to do with me giving her a fridge magnet with a photograph of Tynecastle for her birthday last month...

I spent most of my birthday with these horrors...

I'm not saying it was a traumatic experience but here's how I looked before I saw them...

...and here's how I looked several hours later

Still, I was grateful for all the good wishes and presents (mostly) It did occur to me, however, that my father was 58 when he died suddenly in 1997; and his father died suddenly at 40. So, perhaps the clock is ticking for me. On the plus side it will save folks money on presents next year...