Monday, 30 March 2009
Black Lace singer Dene Michael said: "With all the doom and gloom in the world, this is just what we need."
From the BBC News Website
Directed by Les Battersby, eh? Sadly, I suspect Dene Michael is being serious. Even sadder, such is the way this country is, the re-release will probably achieve - if that is the right word - the status it didn't manage last time.
God help us all...
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Friday, 27 March 2009
"It's been in the loft for over 60 years, we reckon, so we thought it must be some kind of family heirloom."
"Is your house insured?" asked the expert.
"Why? Do you think we should?" the Glaswegian asked.
"Probably. Because that's your hot water boiler,"
From The Herald
Thursday, 26 March 2009
From the BBC News website
Well, that's good to hear that Lothian and Borders finest men and women in blue are taking such wanton destruction seriously. Ten days ago I had a large stone chucked through my living room window in a similar act of vandalism. Thankfully, as I have double-glazing, it was only the outer pane that was smashed but as I was sitting near the window at the time, this attack - and that's what it was - was very distressing and had me on edge for some time. There was broken glass everywhere - again, thankfully, I was alone at the time but I can only imagine the fear it would have caused my grandchildren Jack and Hannah had they been in the house when it happened.
I've still no idea who did it although suspicion lies with some local yobs with nothing better to do. But, unlike Sir Fred, I was given short shrift by the local bobbies. I phoned the local police station as soon as it happened and was told someone would phone me back. They did and asked if I wanted an officer to come round. Still quite shaken I thought that would be a good idea and the officer could take a look at the damage. No one came. I phoned the following day and was told someone would phone me later that week. No one did. I did get a phone call five days later asking if I could go to the station to formally report the incident - which I thought I had done over the phone. I didn't go and another five days days passed before an admittedly helpful WPC phoned me and took the exact details of the incident over the phone.
My window has been fixed and while I'm insured I still had to fork out £75 for the excess charge. Meanwhile the lout who caused the damage is away Scot free. No police guard for me - not even a visit from the local bobby.
No matter what Sir Fred Goodwin has done - or not done - he doesn't deserve his property attacked and damaged. No one does. But at least he can rest assured that taxpayers money is going towards the police guarding his house in case of further attacks.
Meanwhile, in darkest Dalkeith, I appear to be an afterthought...
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
She says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
'Do I know you?'
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' she replies.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
Trembling somewhat he asks 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my backside with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly.........
'No, I'm your son's teacher.
Thanks to June in Seattle!
Sunday, 22 March 2009
To me it's a feeling
A feeling I get every time I look into your eyes
A feeling I get when I realise you're my mum
A mum who loves, shares,
A mum who inspires
A mothers love, but only you would know
You returned that love time and time again
Possibly too much, nevertheless you did
Thank you for being there when I needed you most
For being my rock when I should have been yours
Thank you for believing in me, even when I doubted myself
For being the one person I could trust
No matter what, no matter where
But most of all thank you for being you my mum...
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Well, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this helps clear up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Monday, 16 March 2009
The happiest days of my working life were spent with Lothian Regional Council's Social Work Department from 1990 for an all too short period until 1992. I worked in client finance and was involved in issuing accounts to social work clients who were in residential care and those who received the home care service.
I worked at Shrubhill House in Edinburgh's Leith Walk. Not the most attractive building ever erected in the capital but it was home to a great working environment in a different era.
I first met my good friend Rob Muir there. A couple of years ago Rob began a new life in Norway where he has become a father again. I have fond memories of old Shrubbers - that's why when I passed the building today to see it's been reduced to a shell I felt more than a pang of sadness. As the accompanying photo illustrates is this really progress?
It reminded me of the story of a mate I knew who was invited to a fancy dress party. Struggling for ideas he decided to go to the party dressed as normal but carrying his latest girlfriend on his back.
'Here' he was greeted on his arrival, 'did you not know this was a fancy dress do?'
'Aye' he replied.
'So what have you come as?'
'A tortoise' he replied.
'Eh? Who's that on your back?'
'Ah' he retorted, 'that's Michelle....'
Sunday, 15 March 2009
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Monday, 9 March 2009
A charity fundraising event in support of Horizons, a Project of Places for People Scotland Care and Support.
Music by The Beag Agus Mor plus The Edinburgh Post Office Pipe Band and Minus 1
Wednesday 18 March 2009
The Edinburgh Masonic Club, Shrubhill Lane, Leith Walk, Edinburgh
Doors: 7.00pm Dinner: 8.15pm
Admission £9, Concession £7
Dress code: Wear something tartan.
For tickets please call 07951 514416 or 07973 594805.
Part of Homecoming Scotland 2009
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Saturday, 7 March 2009
Made up of men and women, the Brothers forsook all worldly goods and took a vow of celebrity, living communally in the 'House' and dedicating their lives to ignorance and mutual abuse.
In a short while, Jade attracted a huge personal following but also she fell from grace when she unwisely addressed a comely young novice from the Indies as a 'f*****g P**i'
Poor Jade was expelled from the Big Brotherhood and was scorned and derided by the multitude.
Yet, in her misery and humiliation, Jade found grace. She earnestly repented and sought forgiveness from the Blessed Media. Before long they relented, particularly when they discovered she was dying.
Jade was now hailed throughout the land as a martyr and living saint. There was even a miracle, which astonished all those who witnessed it. Jade had become betrothed to a young criminal of the time, by the name of Jack Tweed. But he was languishing in a prison cell. Then lo, the gates of the prison were suddenly thrown open, thanks to the intercession of a well-known holy man of the time, St. Jack of Straw.
The tags dropped from Tweed's leg and he walked free. And so it was that the couple were wed before the eyes of the nation and Jade received a million gold coins from Halo! magazine...
A Private Eye classic
Thursday, 5 March 2009
'Now, darling - you look after yourself down there. Take extra care - there are a lot of dodgy people in the world today'
Her reply was typical for someone who has already achieved a lot in life for being aged just 19. 'For God's sake, Dad - I'm not a kid any more'
And don't I know it...
But that's the responsibility of being a parent, as Michaela herself may know a few years from now. You never stop worrying about your children.
My mother is 72, God bless her, and she still frets about me making a 20 minute bus journey from her house - 40 minutes when hapless Midlothian Council spring up hundreds of temporary traffic lights in Dalkeith for no apparent reason. I tell her that, now I've reached the age of 47, have two grown-up children and two toddling grandchildren, that I'm reasonably capable of crossing the road unaided. Although, admittedly, this can be dependant on whether I head for a pint on the way home...
My other daughter, Laura, also causes me no end of concern. Are you coping with the brats - sorry, loveable kiddies - are you managing to pay the bills, are you eating properly, are you sleeping okay...?? Questions which are usually treated with contempt by my tempestuous 22 year old.
As parents we are supposed to prepare our children for life. As parents it is also hard to accept that our way is not the only way.We just have to love our children and grandchildren, warts and all. You love them and are always concerned about them -but it's part of caring.
So while I hope Michaela has a wonderful weekend in the old smoke - and I'm sure she will - there's a little part of me that will be delighted to see her back in Auld Reekie safe and sound on Sunday night. Okay - a big part of me.
Families, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em....
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Jim Hacker: I have no ambitions to become Prime Minister.